Back when my dad was alive, he and I used to spend most of our time together arguing. It was a natural thing to do since my dad was a Rush Limbaugh listening, Fox News watching, Reagan worshiping republican, and I'm....not, so when we got together there was a lot of shouting. Really, thinking back on it I suppose it was a good way for us to connect. If we didn't argue about politics then we wouldn't have talked much at all. The only thing we ever had in common was our love of watching MASH reruns while eating peanut butter crackers.
My dad would have loved this election season. I'm sure he'd be lusting over Sarah Palin, and raging against that godless communist Obama. He might have hated Obama even more than Bill Clinton if that's possible. The happiest I ever saw him was during the Clinton impeachment. He used to call me up every night and begin the conversation with, "Did you hear what your buddy Clinton did today?" while cackling madly.
If he were alive right now, I know he'd also be a huge supporter of Prop 8 in California. The thought of gays marrying made him crazy with fear. He had a horror of gays. Whenever discussing someone known to be gay (like my cousin James, for instance) he'd make his wrist go limp and say something in a lisping voice like, "He's one of those tutti-fruttis."
"Wow," I'd tell him, "you're a real natural at that. Are you sure you're not secretly in the closet?"
Like most republicans though, he didn't have much of a sense of humor. Jokes like that would make him scowl.
I always thought the best way to rebel against him would have been to declare myself a lesbian and hook up with the butchiest, most Johnny Cash-looking chick I could find. We'd become truck drivers and wear nothing but flannel and then get pregnant with the aid of a turky baster and the sperm of our homosexual decorator friend named Jeffery. And once the baby was born we'd all march to Washington demanding that the design of the American flag be changed from blue and red stars and stripes, to rainbows surrounding a plate of sushi. Then we'd go on a gay cruise with Rosie O'Donnell. If that had happened, my dad's head would have exploded just like that guy in the movie Scanners.
My daughter...Rosie O'Donnell....turkey baster?!!!! Aaaaaaaaghhhh!
I loved this idea so much I decided to give sapphic love a try once I got to college. After all I went to the Lilith Fair when it came around and had fun, and also enjoy the gentle humor of Ellen DeGenerous, so why not? I even made a list of reasons why lesbianism would be better for me.
1. In magazines and paintings and such I prefer to look at women's bodies rather than men's. A naked man kind of has to be in the same room with me for me to fully appreciate him.
2. My children could have two mommies which would be nice when it came to diaper changing, and other bummer things that come with kids. Also, I'd get my wife to go through the pregnancy, deliver the babe, and breastfeed. That way I'd get a kid without messing up my body and having my boobs sag.
3. Shared period supplies.
4. I'm a girl's girl. Women are fun!
However, I found out first hand that you can't really choose your sexuality. You are either hetrosexual or you're not. It's not something you can really change either way. And why should you have to in order to experience all the benefits of marriage? A person can't help being what they are and loving who they love. Why should this be a problem? Gay marriage should be legal in every state IMO. It's hard to believe it is 2008 and this is still an issue.
My dad - like Sarah Palin - thought that letting gays marry would set a "dangerous precedent."
"What do you mean by that?" I'd ask.
"Well Pru, if you stop defining marriage as between one man and one woman only, you are opening a lot of doors better left closed. I mean, what's to stop someone from deciding they want to marry ten women, like the damn Mormons? Huh? And then the next thing you know, some bozo would try to marry his horse! Or a car or something. You know it would happen." At that point he'd shake his head with disgust. "Your buddy Clinton would probably try to marry a cigar."
How can you argue with that kind of logic? I'd just roll my eyes at him and run off to smoke the demon weed with my friends.
But now, I see that my dad might have been correct. Once a sacred line has been crossed anything can happen.
As the poets say, love makes you do crazy things. I never really appreciated this till now. For you see, my blogger friends, I have fallen in love - crazily, deeply, madly in love - but not with any man.
And not with a woman either.
No, the object of my affections isn't human at all. This may be shocking, I know. Some might blame it on the fact that gays are now allowed to marry in three states. Maybe if it weren't for that, I'd never have been tempted to flaunt tradition and indulge in an unholy, forbidden love. A love that cannot be condoned by most patriotic, right-thinkin' Americans.
Dang you for being right, Dad!
But you know what? I don't care. I don't care that society would frown on our relationship. Society can kiss my ass! I don't care if our getting hitched would make a mockery of the institution of marriage. And I don't care if the bible says it's wrong.
I love this pair of shoes with all of my being and I'm not ashamed to say it. I love them! And if I could wed them immediately I would.
Don't judge me. I couldn't help it. It was love at first sight. I knew we were destined for one another from the moment I tried them on. We are soul mates. Oooops, make that "sole mates." These shoes are everything I have ever wanted. Size 8 narrow, 2 1/2 inch heel silver leather beauties that make my legs look bitchin' yet are super comfortable? Hell yes! Come to me my lovelies, you are mine! I'll make you Mrs. Jones soon!
Oh sure, there might have to be some compromises. I had to put an extra hole in the straps to make them tighter. And I can't wear them everywhere I go - hiking for instance, they might get muddy - but I see the two of us having a long happy life together. And isn't that what's important, after all?
The only thing they are missing is taps on the heels. But since I have no ability to tap dance, it's okay. We'll dance around pretending to tap anyway. We are young and in love! Who can stop us? Not you, Dad. Not you either, Sarah "Bible Spice" Palin! Your "dangerous precedent" has been set already and there is nothing you can do about it. We're here so kiss our rear, 'cause we're not going away!
My love and I are going to tap dance over to Vera Wang right now and look at gowns. Then we are going to get registered over at Nordstroms. Please wish us joy! And if you want to get us something, we'd like a new coat. A size medium cloth coat in sapphire blue would make us both happy. Really.