Monday, October 27, 2008

My New Love

Back when my dad was alive, he and I used to spend most of our time together arguing. It was a natural thing to do since my dad was a Rush Limbaugh listening, Fox News watching, Reagan worshiping republican, and I'm....not, so when we got together there was a lot of shouting. Really, thinking back on it I suppose it was a good way for us to connect. If we didn't argue about politics then we wouldn't have talked much at all. The only thing we ever had in common was our love of watching MASH reruns while eating peanut butter crackers.

My dad would have loved this election season. I'm sure he'd be lusting over Sarah Palin, and raging against that godless communist Obama. He might have hated Obama even more than Bill Clinton if that's possible. The happiest I ever saw him was during the Clinton impeachment. He used to call me up every night and begin the conversation with, "Did you hear what your buddy Clinton did today?" while cackling madly.

If he were alive right now, I know he'd also be a huge supporter of Prop 8 in California. The thought of gays marrying made him crazy with fear. He had a horror of gays. Whenever discussing someone known to be gay (like my cousin James, for instance) he'd make his wrist go limp and say something in a lisping voice like, "He's one of those tutti-fruttis."

"Wow," I'd tell him, "you're a real natural at that. Are you sure you're not secretly in the closet?"

Like most republicans though, he didn't have much of a sense of humor. Jokes like that would make him scowl.

I always thought the best way to rebel against him would have been to declare myself a lesbian and hook up with the butchiest, most Johnny Cash-looking chick I could find. We'd become truck drivers and wear nothing but flannel and then get pregnant with the aid of a turky baster and the sperm of our homosexual decorator friend named Jeffery. And once the baby was born we'd all march to Washington demanding that the design of the American flag be changed from blue and red stars and stripes, to rainbows surrounding a plate of sushi. Then we'd go on a gay cruise with Rosie O'Donnell. If that had happened, my dad's head would have exploded just like that guy in the movie Scanners.

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My daughter...Rosie O'Donnell....turkey baster?!!!! Aaaaaaaaghhhh!

I loved this idea so much I decided to give sapphic love a try once I got to college. After all I went to the Lilith Fair when it came around and had fun, and also enjoy the gentle humor of Ellen DeGenerous, so why not? I even made a list of reasons why lesbianism would be better for me.

1. In magazines and paintings and such I prefer to look at women's bodies rather than men's. A naked man kind of has to be in the same room with me for me to fully appreciate him.

2. My children could have two mommies which would be nice when it came to diaper changing, and other bummer things that come with kids. Also, I'd get my wife to go through the pregnancy, deliver the babe, and breastfeed. That way I'd get a kid without messing up my body and having my boobs sag.

3. Shared period supplies.

4. I'm a girl's girl. Women are fun!

However, I found out first hand that you can't really choose your sexuality. You are either hetrosexual or you're not. It's not something you can really change either way. And why should you have to in order to experience all the benefits of marriage? A person can't help being what they are and loving who they love. Why should this be a problem? Gay marriage should be legal in every state IMO. It's hard to believe it is 2008 and this is still an issue.

My dad - like Sarah Palin - thought that letting gays marry would set a "dangerous precedent."

"What do you mean by that?" I'd ask.

"Well Pru, if you stop defining marriage as between one man and one woman only, you are opening a lot of doors better left closed. I mean, what's to stop someone from deciding they want to marry ten women, like the damn Mormons? Huh? And then the next thing you know, some bozo would try to marry his horse! Or a car or something. You know it would happen." At that point he'd shake his head with disgust. "Your buddy Clinton would probably try to marry a cigar."

How can you argue with that kind of logic? I'd just roll my eyes at him and run off to smoke the demon weed with my friends.

But now, I see that my dad might have been correct. Once a sacred line has been crossed anything can happen.

As the poets say, love makes you do crazy things. I never really appreciated this till now. For you see, my blogger friends, I have fallen in love - crazily, deeply, madly in love - but not with any man.

And not with a woman either.

No, the object of my affections isn't human at all. This may be shocking, I know. Some might blame it on the fact that gays are now allowed to marry in three states. Maybe if it weren't for that, I'd never have been tempted to flaunt tradition and indulge in an unholy, forbidden love. A love that cannot be condoned by most patriotic, right-thinkin' Americans.

Dang you for being right, Dad!

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care that society would frown on our relationship. Society can kiss my ass! I don't care if our getting hitched would make a mockery of the institution of marriage. And I don't care if the bible says it's wrong.

I love this pair of shoes with all of my being and I'm not ashamed to say it. I love them! And if I could wed them immediately I would.

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Don't judge me. I couldn't help it. It was love at first sight. I knew we were destined for one another from the moment I tried them on. We are soul mates. Oooops, make that "sole mates." These shoes are everything I have ever wanted. Size 8 narrow, 2 1/2 inch heel silver leather beauties that make my legs look bitchin' yet are super comfortable? Hell yes! Come to me my lovelies, you are mine! I'll make you Mrs. Jones soon!

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Oh sure, there might have to be some compromises. I had to put an extra hole in the straps to make them tighter. And I can't wear them everywhere I go - hiking for instance, they might get muddy - but I see the two of us having a long happy life together. And isn't that what's important, after all?

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The only thing they are missing is taps on the heels. But since I have no ability to tap dance, it's okay. We'll dance around pretending to tap anyway. We are young and in love! Who can stop us? Not you, Dad. Not you either, Sarah "Bible Spice" Palin! Your "dangerous precedent" has been set already and there is nothing you can do about it. We're here so kiss our rear, 'cause we're not going away!

My love and I are going to tap dance over to Vera Wang right now and look at gowns. Then we are going to get registered over at Nordstroms. Please wish us joy! And if you want to get us something, we'd like a new coat. A size medium cloth coat in sapphire blue would make us both happy. Really.


Diane said...

First of all, apparently my dad had a second family b/c you have just described him politically to a T. He died in 1977 before I registered as a Dem and began to tarnish the family name.

Is it wrong that I want to accelerate into the rear of any car with Yes on 8 sticker?

And Pru - those shoes are the best things ever.

Princess of the Universe said...

Do you think it's cheating if you wear the occasional sneaker? How about a nice boot for winter?

I don't know Pru- I think they look like the jealous type!


Fucktard Savant said...

So when I become a tranny hooker you won't be my girlfriend? WHY, YAHWEH?

Also, stop dumpster diving behind my house. That snoopy neighbor across the street keeps commenting on all the 'weird' stuff he sees you pulling out of my trash. I would have saved those shoes for you if I'd known! What am I going to do with a size 8 pair of heels, honey? Though come to think of it they might fit my cabana boy, Raul (rhymes with Paul).

I spent the day with my father, coincidentally. It's odd how he and I have such perfect agreement when it comes to politics, then my mom on the other hand is a befuddled republicanbot who can't stop talking about obama's upcoming rape and terror campaign.

me said...

ah! congratulations!

let us know when you officially register; i'll be sure to send something FABULOUS!

those dreamy shoes kinda remind me of dorothea's red slippers! love them!

fashion herald said...

but, what shoes will you wear to your wedding?

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- he may have been one of my father's half brothers. He had quite a few, like Palin his dad didn't believe in birth control.

Princess- we will have an open marriage I think. After all, you can't spend all of your time together or it gets boring.

Fucktard- what do you mean "when you become a tranny hooker"? I thought you were one already.

Me- thank you. They are dreamy, aren't they? I'm a sucker for a sweet silver heel with black tights. Makes me feel like Liza Minelli or something. Minus the icky husbands.

Fashion- hmmmm that's a damn good question.

xl said...

I like the dragon sox!

WendyB said...

If we let people marry shoes, next they'll want to marry coats.

honkeie2 said...

The best argument I got from those anti gay people is that they would raise gay children. and I love, just love, saying "Yeah because striaght families only raise straight children."
The whole seperation of church and state never really happened. Marriage by church and marriage by state are 2 seperate things. With out the state marriage it isnt legal, so that tells me god has no power over taxes and benifits. And Why should only straight people have to suffer through marriage, let gays suffer too!
And why are people affraid of Ass Pirates? When was the last time anyone heard of a tuttie fruittie attacking anyone that wasnt trying to buy the last tube of lip gloss?

Cheasty said...

oh, prunella de ville, how do I love thee? let me count the ways. That post was hilarious and wonderful. please run away with me -- I'll smother you with silver shoes!

Warped Mind of Ron said...


I didn't take you for the shoe marrying type. I figured if you decided you ever wanted to marry an object it would be something that took batteries.

GetFlix said...

You should be allowed to marry a single shoe. One shoe/one woman.

(Just see the other one on the side.)

Krissyface said...

I wish I could have met your dad. He sounded like a fun-loving guy. I would have gladly engaged in a Sapphic romance with you, Pru, you know...for the cause and all...

This is a great post, as usual. Its like watching an episode of "The Simpsons". It starts out in one place and veers off in a direction you wouldn't expect, but it's hysterical the whole time.

And it got me to thinking. I think I'm going to try and marry a bottle of merlot.

LarryLilly said...

Hey, I have no F'ng idea why Broken Glass Republicans (BGR) get so up tight. Every middle aged white BGR thinks of Sarah palin as a women they would like to do, and now poor Ann Coulter is so sloppy seconds.

They lust after money, but they secretly want a Palin Valkyrie to mount them and ride them like a horse.

Or a mule


Prunella Jones said...

XL- thanx!

Wendy- everyone knows you only marry shoes. Coats are for slutting around with.

Honk- I wish I'd had a gay dad. Maybe he'd have passed along some decorating talent to me.

Cheasty- okay, you are on! Come get me, my dear. I'd love to go to Nicaragua.

Ron- LOL! ZING! That was a good one.

GF- the heart wants what it wants. Both shoes.

Krissy- thanks! I'll be happy to come to your wedding. I'll bring you and the Merlot a cheese plate as a gift. And I'll introduce you to a bottle of Cabernet after we've drunk your husband.

Larry- I think she'd ride them like a moose and then shoot them afterward.

LA said...

Honestly, this election has made for strange political bedfellows. My 74-yo mother, lifelong Republican, is voting enthusiastically for Barack.

It's so weird to not be fighting over politics with her, but she's got no love for McInsane/Caribou Barbie. Ditto some other hard-core conservatives I know, all crossing party lines for the first time.

It's as awesome as your shoes!