Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Creepy Vase Knows All...Tells All

Guess what? Not only is the new vase decorative, it also has powers.

"Super psychic powers." (air quotes)

That's what it tells me anyway. It says it can forsee the future. And I'm all, yeah right!


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No, it's trooooooo. I can read your future from your aura. Which I am reading right now for you, Prunella Jones. Yes......very interesting...


Oh? Fine, I'll bite. What do you see in my future?

I'm seeing the color green surrounding you. Lots and lots of green...

Really? As in money? Am I going to get lots of money soon?

No....it's more....hmmm I think related to leaves? Grass maybe....

Weed? Am I gonna get a big bag of weed soon? Sweet!

No....ah yes...it's all becoming clearer now. You will be drenched in green slime when the gutters on your house - that have not been cleaned in three years - break off and fall on your head, which shall also cause a concussion.

What? That sucks!

AND THEN the green slime shall transmit hideous parasites and blood sucking leeches unto your skin causing much rashy distress.

Oh no! Leeches?

AND THEN one of the leeches shall lodge itself deep into your nasal cavity where it shall burrow in and use your blood to fertilize the eggs it lays behind your eyeballs

Gah! I don't like this future...

AND THEN the eggs will feed off of the gunk in your eyeballs until such time as the baby leeches burst forth and feast on your brain and brainial fluids

Stop it! No more!

AND THEN a hurricane will blow your house down. AND THEN a pack of hungry bears shall come in from the woods and gobble up your mother and pets. AND THEN one of the bears shall grab a great white shark by the tail and spin it around like a lasso and flog you over the head with it really hard. AND THEN the great white shark shall bite your leg off with it's enormous teeth. The left one I believe. AND THEN the bear shall bite off the right leg. AND THEN rain shall pour forth from the heavens drenching your new suede jacket. AND THEN lightening shall strike your body, burning off all off of your hair and frying your skin, black and bubbling, which shall then burst with weeping sores...

Wait a minute...all of these things are going to happen? This sounds like bullshit.

No, it's true for I have seen it. Do you doubt me?

Um...yeah.

I am 100% accurate. I'll prove it by predicting the futures of every person who leaves a comment on this post. When they all come true ye shall be....what is the word I'm thinking of? Oh yes....PWNED! Muyhahahahahahaha!

Okay then, you're on.

What about it, bloggers? Do you dare?????

17 comments:

WendyB said...

Vase, does my future entail being surrounded by psychotics and morons? If so, I'm living in the future.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

What of my future oh great and mighty vase?

I'm not really sure I should trust it, it's so two faced...

Prunella Jones said...

Wendy- ah yes, Wendy B, I see ye shall soon be kidnapped by a tribe of psychotic clowns who get all of their food from dumpsters. AND THEN they shall force you to wear really big shoes. AND THEN the shoes will give you a foot fungus.

Ron- I see ye shall buy a candy bar from the Dollar Store which shall contain a potent form of PCP, which shall drive you mad and cause you to break the windshields of 15 cars with your skull. AND THEN ye shall be tasered 312 times by the police. In the rear area.

xl said...

I need to borrow $750,000.

Fucktard Savant said...

Oh man, how could the vase have any idea I used my trained bears to stash my great white sharks in bitchface's yard beneath a big water filled pit so I could film her children being torn apart on my webcam and broadcast it to the internet? Thatis AMAZING. I guess six satanic heads truly are better than one.

Bill Stankus said...

Gee, I hope my future includes lots of cash (for me), my first car totally restored and the return of my lost Swiss Army knife. And will I be wearing Armani or a large trash bag?

muse said...

Oh ye vase of little color...what say thee of my future?

Prunella Jones said...

XL- well, I'm sorry, but in the future I see for you, ye shall not be successful in borrowing the money which shall bum you out. AND THEN in order to cheer yourself up, you will get a very big, goofy looking tattoo on the back of your neck. AND THEN you will regret it.

Fucktard- I predict that you will soon be bitten by a radioactive spider which will hurt. AND THEN it will cause you to shoot spiderwebs out of your nose whenever you sneeze. AND THEN people shall point and laugh which will be bad for your self esteem. AND THEN you will seek help from a therapist, but she will laugh at you too.

Bill- good news! From what I've seen ye shall recover the lost swiss army knife. AND THEN the police shall show up at your door and inform you that the knife was used to murder ten bums at the railroad yard. AND THEN they will charge you with the killings. AND THEN you will be thrown in a cell with hairy chef named Bobo. At least I think he's a chef, I see him asking you to "toss his salad."

Muse- for you I see financial success. You will soon get a job for Harpo Studios. AND THEN Oprah will be so pleased with your work she shall promote you. You will be given the glorious task of daily grading Oprah's bowel movements as either floaters or sinkers. AND THEN.....well, um....she will pay you at least.

Princess of the Universe said...

I kind of love the vase- feel free to pass it my way when it stops entertaining you.
xo

honkeie2 said...

Oh Oh Oh me next, can you real the lines in my ass crack? I had a woman red the rings on my giggle stick but it was so hard to under stand her muffled replys.

Fucktard Savant said...

The cutting laughter of schoolgirls. I know it so well.

LA said...

I can't believe the vase didn't see Zombies in your future!

What about mine? Any hookups with Lindsey Buckingham ahead?

UBERMOUTH said...

Just asked the sodding thing,but 'nicely' if I HAVE a future!

Hi Pru! :)
Why has Undie closed his site?

me said...

funny, I've been told I have green aura! Love it! What's my future please?

Prunella Jones said...

Princess- ah yes, I see you entering a TJ Maxx and finding a vase just like me. AND THEN you shall bring it home and display it your hallway. AND THEN it shall speak the prophecy to you. AND THEN ye shall be carted off to the mental hospital while babbling "and then, and then..."

Honk- I see you surrounded by breasts. Big, jiggling breasts. 57 of them to be exact. AND THEN you will leave the show and go back to your hotel room in Vegas.

LA- I am getting a vision of you surrounded by yarn, lots and lots of yarn. AND THEN you will knit a sock that looks just like Bea Arthur. AND THEN people shall come from miles around to view the sock and start a shrine to the goddess Bea Arthur. AND THEN the crowds will trample your grass and annoy you.

Ubermouth- why yes, I do see a wonderful future for you. I see you in a field of flowers surrounded by children, lots and lots of children. AND THEN the children are all 3 years old and they belong to you because you've had septuplets. AND THEN none of them will potty train and you will be arrested for shoplifting diapers.

Me- I see your aura as well, it will soon become visable to everyone you meet. AND THEN you will realize it is so bright that it makes your clothes completely see through. AND THEN you will spend the rest of your life being followed by pervy freaks who will invite you to live in their mom's basement with them.

muse said...

OMG-Turd Observer?! Do I have to keep a spreadshiiiit?

fashion herald said...

no, not the new suede jacket! cruel vase.