Captain Peanut told me to take it away. His exact words were, "Prunella, that shit ain't funny. Get that fucking freaky ass shit out my face before I bust you a new ass." I could tell he was seriously freaked out and this knowlege makes me happy. I am going to have a lot of fun this Halloween.
This one kind of bible thumping girl named Michelle told me the creepy vase was satanic and probably possessed by a demon. She suggested sprinkling it with holy water. This is how that conversation went:
HER: I'm telling you, that thing needs an exorcism. It's unholy.
ME: Do you mean unholy in a Sarah Palin kind of way, or like the antichrist? Oh wait, they're the same.
HER: Huh? Who is Sarah Palin?
ME: (sigh) Nevermind.
HER: If only we had some holy water.
ME: Hmmmm...well, I don't usually carry holy water around with me, but let me see what I have in my locker. Hey, here's some Summer's Eve TM. Why don't we sprinkle some of this on it?
HER: You are going to make God really mad.
ME: Hey, if we put this stuff in our vaginas, don't you think it is bound to be extra pure and good?
So I doused the creepy vase with the douche water while she read some bible passage and everyone gathered around, hoping to see it explode into flames or something. Nothing like that happened though. The vase just giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl and then fell quiet.
Later on, after I brought it back home, the vase told me it had finally lost "that not so fresh feeling", so maybe the exorcism worked. MAybe now it'll spout nice predictions instead of doom and gloom.
"I see giant, stinging moths taking over the world, I see the death of all your hopes and dreams, I see McCain winning the election, I see....."
Or maybe not.
7 comments:
"Who's Sarah Aplin?" It's funny because it's true. The saddest thing is, most of her supporters are voting for her without actually knowing anything about her.
yes, i would assume that holy water and summer's eve would be quite interchangeable. common sense and all!
CAREFUL WITH THAT VINEGAR! In the wrong hands it will kill weeds, remove crayon marks & rust stains and since lettuce is already dead, it's a passable salad dressing.
Ammonia now, that's a slug killing potion without peer. Besides taking the itch out of mosquito bites it's good for vanquishing demons and people who like George Lucas movies.
I always feel gloomy when I'm not fresh.
I wonder what would happen to Sarah Palin if she douched with holy water? Would her vagina just burn off and turn to dust?
Are we even sure that Sarah Palin has a vagine? Personally, I think she's Dick Cheney in drag. Love your post, Pru! MJ
you need to meet my mom, she often carries holy water in her bag, particularly when visiting unbaptized grandchildren. she'll be relieved to hear that douche is an effective substitute.
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