Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Aliens Among Us

There's a new dancer working during my shift at The Boobie Barn and she's freaking me out. There is something a little bit off about her, something not quite right. Don't laugh, but I'm kind of thinking that she might be an alien in a human body. Okay, okay, I know that statement sounds pretty crazy, but I have my reasons. Plus I know a thing or two about invaders from outer space. Remember that time I was abducted by Scientologists?

First of all, here's a picture of her.

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Creepy looking, huh? And get this, she calls herself Paris and that's not just her stripper name, it's her real name too. I could almost dismiss her as just another Marilyn Manson lookalike, but for the fact that I have just finished reading an article in The Weekly World News about a reptilian-type race of aliens who have recently infiltrated Earth. Apparently they want to learn our ways so they can conquer and enslave us. People, we can't let this happen! The article helpfully listed eight surefire ways to spot an alien. It's uncanny how this Paris chick fits all of them. Check it out:

1. Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their freakish eyes. Paris wears sunglasses so big you could confuse her with a dragonfly. It almost looks like the plastic is attacking her head. If she isn't wearing her sunglasses, then she wears these strange blue colored contacts. She's definitely hiding something.

2. Aliens are obsessed with technology. They spend hours chatting on cell phones and sending e-mails. But they're not conversing with people -- they're actually transmitting data they've accumulated back to their home worlds. Yep, this bitch lives on the phone, but she never says much besides, "That's hawt." No one would actually have a conversation that boring for hours and hours, would they? Although I do often wonder what the hell people are jabbering on their phones about when they should be driving.

3. Aliens dress in oddly revealing clothes. Aliens find clothing irritates their flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe. Well, this one is harder to prove since none of us at The Boobie Barn wear much clothing, but at least the rest of us wear panties once in a while. Paris never does.

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See what I mean?

4. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger. Just the other day she asked me if Wal-Mart sold walls. I mean, come on, who is that stupid? It really made me suspicious.

5. Aliens have strange bodily proportions. The newest breeds of aliens attempt to imitate human appearance -- but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free. You should see her amazingly big hands and feet! Almost like they should belong to a man. I bet those aliens got their body parts mixed up when designed her human suit.

6. They smell. Aliens use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans. Well she doesn't smell bad, mostly like cheap cologne, but I've noticed that after she gives a lap dance the customers are covered in a sticky alien goo. They don't seem to mind too much, though. They are even happy to hand over sperm samples to her, but then again Boobie Barn customers are always trying to give away their semen, so I guess that's not overly questionable.

7. Aliens do not understand Earth's sense of humor. Forget what you saw on Mork and Mindy. Aliens find it difficult to understand laughter -- even a simple knock-knock joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times -- like during a funeral -- or stare blankly at the funniest jokes. She never, ever laughs at my jokes!......Well, okay, no one else does either. Scratch that one.

8. Aliens practice mind control. This one has got to be true. This chick cannot dance, or sing, or do anything the slightest bit entertaining, yet she makes more money than all of us girls combined and has a ton of fans. Alien mind control is the only thing that can possibly explain her popularity. I mean, can you explain it?

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This paper tells the truth! You can learn a lot from it. I can't wait to vote for Hillary and Bigfoot. If anyone can save Earth from these evil, soul-sucking extraterrestrials, it's going to be them!



peri said...

So who the fuck are "Easton" and "Steiger" whom you quote?
Without proper reference to these "sources" leads one to think that YOU, too, little Miss Martian, are an alien as well!
Come clean you Saturn Vixen from Super Galactic --whatever.

Moi said...

Everything is so clear now. It all makes sense.

I think Bigfoot will make a fantabulous running mate.

Mister Underhill said...

Did I ever mention Carl Sagan is a saurian shapeshifter cannibal?

Anyway, it's true. The only way to check that these fiends have not been in the house is to have tons of comet on the floor that will be disturbed if they walk across it.

I ran into this "Paris" person a while back and all she did was demand sperm samples from me. Over and over! It was grotesque and bizarre, but her mind control powers somehow compelled me to obey and be a participant in her tristed experiments.

Memphis Steve said...

We need to redirect our missile defense system from Russia to New York City and Venice Beach, California. That seems to be where most of the aliens are landing. We should be shooting them before they reach Earth.

I don't think Hillary is going to have a running mate. I think she's got a running partner instead. I believe they don't allow the use of the term "mate" anymore.

Helen said...

OMG, Pru, does she fall asleep at night in a pod-like receptacle? And what the hell was the costume supposed to be? Dirty Alice in Wonderland AFTER drinking and smoking with the caterpillar?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I was definitely abducted by aliens once. So, I believe you're onto something.

MsPuddin said...

Could you imageine Paris and Lil John holding a conversation?

Paris: that’s hot.
Lil john: what!?
Paris: that’s hot
Lil John: what!?
Paris that’s HOT!
Lil John: YEAH!

Prunella Jones said...

PEri- well that is what happens when you hurriedly cut and paste. My source was the greatest newspaper ever Weekly World News. Those guys must be alien experts.

I'm no alien! My family immigrated to Earth from Uranus generations ago. We don't even have accents anymore, and I only glow when the moon is completely full.

Moi- If Bigfoot would only run with the Chupacabra he could secure those all important Hispanic voters. Together they would be unbeatable.

Mister U- so she got to you too, huh? Is there any man she has not soiled with her reptilian space slime?

Oh listen, I just remembered I can't make our date on, something suddenly came up. Yeah, that's it. Sorry.

Memphis Steve- that's an excellent idea. You should mention that to Bigfoot after he and Hills win in November.

Helen- I don't think Paris was dressed up. Wasn't that a typical Wednesday night outfit for her? Maybe it was one of Britney's castoffs.

Blowing Shit Up- you must tell us the dirty details. Did they take you to a big, fake luxery ship out in the middle of the desert? Because if they did they weren't aliens, just Scientologists. The exact same thing happened to me. I still cringe whenever I think about that anal probing they delivered while I was hooked up to an e-meter. They said I was filled with thetans!

Mspuddin- I'm sure that will be a song on Paris' next album.

Diane said...

bigfoot is bound to be a better Veep than Cheney

Memphis Steve said...

So, you're expecting her to pair up with Janet Reno again then, eh? I'm trying to guess who you mean by Bigfoot and that is who comes to mind. It isn't Pelosi, but then I don't think those two could get along what with both of them wanting to be the man. Maybe Queen Latifah?

kookla@work said...

Are you sure this isn't Nicole Neill? Because people are always getting the two confused, which explains the latest lawsuit against this so-called Paris. Don't believe me? See the link below: said...

Don't be afraid, she's one of the Sluttoski tribe of Planet Whoreanus in the Vagisil galaxy. She only seeks knowledge of the human male's penis and is collecting specimens at a staggering rate.

Scottsdale Girl said...

OMG I laughed so hard at BrendaLove's comment I forgot what I was gonna say...also

sorry for bein an absent commenter, been busy gettin OLD and shit

morbid misanthrope said...

Those filthy reptilians have been here for centuries, possibly millennia. We're just now learning of their presence because the veil is being lifted, so to speak. You see, they feed off of human pain and suffering--sometimes literal and sometimes spiritual. They really prefer eating babies, though. In fact, in exchange for some of their technology, the US government "allows" them to kidnap and eat a certain number of babies every year. Some experts think they even breed human babies so they'll always have fresh meat.

Other aliens, the greys in particular, smell awful because they discharge waste from their skin. You know, because they don't have external genitals like proper life forms.

I suggest you kill any aliens you see on the spot. Some of them are radioactive, so try to kill them with a projectile of some kind. Cannons work pretty well. There's nothing cooler than watching a cannon ball rip through one of those skinny little bastards. It’s like breaking a sack full of stinky lukewarm Jell-o with a hammer. Awesome.

prettykitty said...

so i guess what you're saying is, they have skanks on other planets as well? i can only imagine what alien STDs must do to human genitalia.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Pur, the dirty details are here. It's from April '06. Interestingly, I did mention Scientology at the end. So, maybe you're onto something. Where's your Scientology abduction story?

BottleBlonde said...

Apparently they want to learn our ways so they can conquer and enslave us. People, we can't let this happen!

What's wrong with being enslaved by aliens? I imagine that the entire city of San Francisco would enjoy the anal probing.

P.S. Brendalove, you are a fuckin' HOOT!

~Miss Smack said...

Let's just pray she doesn't breed....

Betty Boob Hug said...

I'm with Ms Smack, PLEASE do not let her breed and fill the earth with alien spawn.

Nicole Richie breeding is bad enough.

Prunella Jones said...

Diane- well, to be fair, Cheney is a busy guy. It's hard to balance vice presidential duties with ruling Hades and all, but he's managed to do it.

Memphis Steve- Hillary and Queen LAtifah? Why not? A sassy black woman could surely liven up the boring presidential debates. Though I'd prefer Lil Kim. That chick knows how to dress.

Kookla- hmmmmm, the link didn't work for me. But it doesn't surprise me to hear that Paris might have a doppelganger out there causing mischief. This is a common alien ruse. They enjoy cloning individuals and sending out that double to wreak havoc. It's all a part of their master plan to drive us mad. For instance, look at Britney Spears. The poor girl is sitting home night after night, but the paps constantly get pics of her running around with no panties, driving over photographers feet. God those aliens are evil!

Brenda- I see you have insider information. Tell me more! Don't worry, I'm very discreet.

SG- well they say 40 is the new 30, which is good news. And that you are only as old as you feel. I guess that means I'm about 12.

Prunella Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- Damn those radioactive, baby-eating bastards! I don't have a cannon, and I'm scared of firearms so I won't be very effective at disposing of these aliens. I can, however, spray the crap out of them with patchouli oil so that ordinary humans will ridicule and shun them. I know it's not much, but I do try to help out whenever I can.

PK- it's not very pretty, and I've heard it itches like crazy.

Blowing Shit Up- that was quite an eeirie tale. My sad experience with alien abduction can be found here

Bottleblonde I suppose it is better than being enslaved by corporations. I guess I'd rather be anally probed by an alien than a WalMart executive.

Ms Smack- amen!

Betty Boob- can't wait to see the newest little addition to the Joel Madden household. You know the kid is an after-school special just waiting to happen.

Mister Underhill said...

"spray the crap out of them with patchouli oil so that ordinary humans will ridicule and shun them."


When I get drafted for the forthcoming war in iran, I will list this as my best skill.

BUMBLE!!! said...

She's ditched the German bar girl look and gone with the sailor girl getup that has her catering to drunken sailors, soldiers, airmen, and marines... hell, I bet she'd even do a coast guarder if the opportunity struck!!

But alas...
where would we be without Paris' sperm receptacle self?

BUMBLE!!! said...

Jeez... I didn't know Hillary went to Elk County, PA... I know it's a 5 hour drive from here, but just the chance to see her and the mysterious bigfoot creature that was running around up there.

Wow. You've just hit on all of the important things today.

Have a great weekend.

Diane said...

pru - you're right - multi-tasking is a bitch - even if you are Beelzebub

norm said...

Norm thinks the Geico cavemen should run for office.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- maybe if you wear the patachouli oil you won't get drafted. It's worth a try anyway.

Bumble- you have a great weekend as well. Let us know how things go in Elk County!

Diane- I wish I had Dick's organizational skills.

Norm- the Geico cavemen are too busy being hilarious on TV.

Memphis Steve said...

L'il Kim doesn't dress. She just steps out of the shower and wears the washrag for the rest of the day. Not that I'm complaining.