There's a new dancer working during my shift at The Boobie Barn and she's freaking me out. There is something a little bit off about her, something not quite right. Don't laugh, but I'm kind of thinking that she might be an alien in a human body. Okay, okay, I know that statement sounds pretty crazy, but I have my reasons. Plus I know a thing or two about invaders from outer space. Remember that time I was abducted by Scientologists?
First of all, here's a picture of her.
Creepy looking, huh? And get this, she calls herself Paris and that's not just her stripper name, it's her real name too. I could almost dismiss her as just another Marilyn Manson lookalike, but for the fact that I have just finished reading an article in The Weekly World News about a reptilian-type race of aliens who have recently infiltrated Earth. Apparently they want to learn our ways so they can conquer and enslave us. People, we can't let this happen! The article helpfully listed eight surefire ways to spot an alien. It's uncanny how this Paris chick fits all of them. Check it out:
1. Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their freakish eyes. Paris wears sunglasses so big you could confuse her with a dragonfly. It almost looks like the plastic is attacking her head. If she isn't wearing her sunglasses, then she wears these strange blue colored contacts. She's definitely hiding something.
2. Aliens are obsessed with technology. They spend hours chatting on cell phones and sending e-mails. But they're not conversing with people -- they're actually transmitting data they've accumulated back to their home worlds. Yep, this bitch lives on the phone, but she never says much besides, "That's hawt." No one would actually have a conversation that boring for hours and hours, would they? Although I do often wonder what the hell people are jabbering on their phones about when they should be driving.
3. Aliens dress in oddly revealing clothes. Aliens find clothing irritates their flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe. Well, this one is harder to prove since none of us at The Boobie Barn wear much clothing, but at least the rest of us wear panties once in a while. Paris never does.
See what I mean?
4. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger. Just the other day she asked me if Wal-Mart sold walls. I mean, come on, who is that stupid? It really made me suspicious.
5. Aliens have strange bodily proportions. The newest breeds of aliens attempt to imitate human appearance -- but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free. You should see her amazingly big hands and feet! Almost like they should belong to a man. I bet those aliens got their body parts mixed up when designed her human suit.
6. They smell. Aliens use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans. Well she doesn't smell bad, mostly like cheap cologne, but I've noticed that after she gives a lap dance the customers are covered in a sticky alien goo. They don't seem to mind too much, though. They are even happy to hand over sperm samples to her, but then again Boobie Barn customers are always trying to give away their semen, so I guess that's not overly questionable.
7. Aliens do not understand Earth's sense of humor. Forget what you saw on Mork and Mindy. Aliens find it difficult to understand laughter -- even a simple knock-knock joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times -- like during a funeral -- or stare blankly at the funniest jokes. She never, ever laughs at my jokes!......Well, okay, no one else does either. Scratch that one.
8. Aliens practice mind control. This one has got to be true. This chick cannot dance, or sing, or do anything the slightest bit entertaining, yet she makes more money than all of us girls combined and has a ton of fans. Alien mind control is the only thing that can possibly explain her popularity. I mean, can you explain it?
This paper tells the truth! You can learn a lot from it. I can't wait to vote for Hillary and Bigfoot. If anyone can save Earth from these evil, soul-sucking extraterrestrials, it's going to be them!