Three Things I Wish I Had
1. A big pot of leprechuan gold
2. The power to make my eyes bug out of my head at will.
3. A brain. Sometimes I suspect that I only have a brain stem.
Three Possible Causes of the Stains on my Carpet
1. Dog pee
2. Wine
3. Blood, maybe? WTF?
Three Reasons I Can't Go Back to Bed, Even Though I'd Like To
1. My moron neighbor is outside playing with his chainsaw again.
2. I've had three cups of coffee.
3. Sleep is for sissies. The wicked don't need to rest.
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25 comments:
I apologize for the noise; I just really like chain saws.
Sincerely,
--Your Neighbor
Blowing Shit Up- that's okay, I know how much you like your chainsaw. And truthfully, it doesn't bother me as much as that wood chipper you were using last weekend. That thing was making some pretty horrible sounds. I don't know what you were grinding up at 4 A.M. but that screaming noise really got on my nerves. Thank goodness you returned it to that rental place.
Oh and by the way, I haven't seen your wife around lately. Is she out of town?
Interesting list. I suppose you would be happy with any old pot of gold, right? I mean, it doesn't have to be leprechaun gold specifically, does it? Because, from what I've heard, leprechaun gold usually smells like an odd mix of chicken bouillon, onions, and boiled cabbage. The last thing I need is the guy at the gun shop looking at me funny because the gold I'm using to buy my new Desert Eagle smells like a corned beef dinner.
Things I wish for.
1. Dignity.
2. Teef that don't make me look like a leprechaun, drag queen, or 70s porn star.
3. Did I mention dignity?
I had these friends in New Orleans who refused to sleep, it was like this religion of theirs. "Sleep is the Enemy" they would say. They would stay up for days at a time.
I don't remember what happened, but I think one of them ended up in jail after throwing a trashcan through a department store window. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else.
I'm not sure.
Sorry, Pru. This comment started off pretty good, but it really didn't go anywhere. I'll do better next time.
As far as the rug goes, they come to your house with samples. And there is no interest for two years.
Morbid- any gold would do I suppose, but leprechaun gold has always looked particularly fetching to me. Leprechauns are cool. I like the stories where they fuck with people. They are the only reason I ate Lucky Charms as a kid. I like Hobbits too. I think Hobbits should be used to endorse a breakfast cereal sometime. I was watching Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time the other day and I noticed that the hobbit food they showed laid out on tables looked really delicious. Why isn't that stuff for sale? Hobbit cheese? I would totally buy it.
Mister U- 1. Dignity is overrated. When you have dignity it just makes people laugh that much more when you accidently soil yourself or slip on a banana peel.
2. Teeth are overrated too. I don't trust people with perfect, blinding white teeth. They usually turn out to be bores.
3. What you need is a good, ass-blistering spanking.
Captain- your friends sound like my kind of people. Trying to sleep is a chore and a bother. Even as a child I would be up roaming the house at 4 A.M. while everyone snoozed. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like the nightlife. I like to boogie.
Even if they go nowhere, your comments are never dull.
GF- I guess I could get a new carpet and pay for it on time. What's another minimum payment at this point? That's how I got new furniture, a college education, and every vacation I've ever taken. But I'd rather have all hardwood floors.
Does your old shack have wall to wall shag carpeting in burnt orange, perhaps? Somehow I see you as a hardwood floor guy.
Public dignity makes the ass blistering spankings all teh more fun ;)
OHM went through a poor sleeping stage, then he stopped taking drugs and slept like a baby again. Then he started playing golf at 7 AM on Sunday mornings, and now he's so used to getting up early that even when YoungHung stays with Grandma and Grandpa, OHM is out of bed by 7:30.
He hates it and wishes you could learn to sleep again so you could pass on suggestions to OHM>
I'm surprised monkey pee didn't top your carpet stain list... or bosco...
Stop by and see me woman! I'm dying for your input.
Also
Crack is Whack
I'm jes sayin...
what? you can't make your eyes bug out at will? even after 3 cups of java and not sleeping? that settles it, time to get back on the adderall!
Mister U- point taken.
Onehung- I think it's just my particular body chemistry. I don't seem to need more than four or five hours of sleep. But I have noticed that since giving up wheat and sugar, the quality of my sleep has improved. I wake up feeling great lately.
Helen- actually, Tucksworth is potty trained. I never have to worry about him peeing on the carpet. He does still like to fling poo though. I can't seem to break him of that habit.
Also Bosco (that's chocolate syrup, yes?) stains on my floor aren't a problem. My sheets on the other hand...
SG- I agree. Crack is whack. to quote the great Whitney Houston, "Crack is for poor people. I make too much money...Bobby!! Get off my pipe, fool!"
PK- I guess that is a skill I will never master. Too bad, because I could have a lot of fun with that.
Sorry about the stain. You left me there all alone and I was still thinking about you. Mmm, I LOVE shag carpet, too. It tickles my bojangles. Anyway, I tried to clean it up before you came home, but I couldn't get it all.
Next time you can't sleep, call me. I'd like to come over and play on your shag carpet some more. You don't have to watch. I just need you to let me in. Or give me a key. Or leave your door open. I don't care which. I think I'm going to marry that carpet.
I bow to the master of seduction.
Actually, you should go for a pot of normal, everyday type gold. Leprechaun gold disappears. At least that's what it says in Harry Potter...
They say everything comes in threes. But when it comes to stains on a carpet, the possibilities are endless.
Have you found a job yet, young lady?
* I think you oculd hit undie up for some SSSSS
Oh I would really love getting a pot of gold! But I'd settle for Johnny Depp peen.
Uber, I would make Pru put out before I bought her a car, and she is too much of a good girl, it seems.
Three possible causes of the stain on the front of my shirt
1. this morning's coffee
2. last week's coffee
3. last year's coffee
If you own pets, only hardwood will do.
BTW, if you screw around with your thyroid, you'll be able to get your eyes to pop out. Of course, you'll look like the runaway bride and your condition will probably be permanent... just sayin'.
Things I wish for after the hellday I had yesterday...
1. Beer
2. Beer
3. Tacos
(They don't even have to be good tacos since I'll probably be so loaded from the beer that my tongue will lose all feeling and I won't taste 'em anyway).
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