I cleaned out my refrigerator.
See, just when you thought this blog couldn't get any more riveting after that amazing post in which I whined about my back problems, I go and pull this out of my hat. Because I'm always thinking of you guys! Hey, it was either this or some more crappy poetry.
No one would ever mistake me for a good housekeeper or anything, but even I have some standards. When I opened up the fridge door early Saturday morning, looking for butter for my toast, I was greeted by the sight of about thirty bowls covered in Saran Wrap. Each little bowl had about a teaspoonful of something that most people wouldn't think to save, like a spoonful of corn, or a dab of macaroni and cheese. No wonder I can never find a clean bowl or a coffee cup. My mom is insane.
Honestly, I can't imagine what she is envisioning when she carefully wraps these little treasures and stores them away. I mean, what hungry person would open up the refrigerator and think to themselves, "Oh goodie, there's a morsel of peas, a bite of chicken flavored Rice-A-Roni, and three rubbery spears of asparagus. Lunch is served!"
Once I tossed all that stuff in the trash, I figured I might as well keep going. Here are some of the more interesting things I found:
Five jars of pickles (all garlic flavored)
Three jars of mustard (one sweet-hot, two Gulden's)
One jar of key lime jelly. Who has ever heard of lime jelly? I don't remember buying that.
One mini bottle of Hypnotiq. I'm not sure how that ended up in my fridge, but I had never tasted it before so I opened it and slugged some down. Blech, it was like drinking expired fruit juice. Really awful. Why do all the rap stars love it?
One jar of Tennessee Chow Chow. It's kind of like relish. Pretty good stuff.
One half empty bottle of Newman's Own ranch dressing, expiration date 11/05.
A mixture of one dried up egg, almond oil, and something I assume might have been milk. It puzzled me until I remembered it was a facial mask recipe that I made up last month and forgot to apply. It was stuck to the bowl like cement. I'm sure it would have tightened my pores.
So to summarize, yes, my weekend was fantastic! And yes, I am a slob who enjoys garlicky pickled products. How was your weekend?
32 comments:
I think we have the same mom.
I had the privilege to sample the wonderful cuisine of a quaint little breakfast eatery called IHOP with my mother and grandmother yesterday.
The first thing I said is "No leftovers in my car."
So my mom asks the waiter "What's the messiest food you serve? I'll take a stack of *that* kind of pancake!" and my grandmothers said "I'll have a B sandwich.", much to the chagrin of our Pakistani waiter.
Eventually she explained a B was a lot like a BLT, except without the L and T, and with the B crumbled up and served on grilled bread with lots of butter. Which somehow translated to me having a cheeseburger with bacon slathered in butter that made me immensely ill.
Of course as soon as we got in the car my mom placed the leftovers (which consisted mainly of maple syrup and crumbled bacon) in the most precarious position possible and I will be cleaning it up for the next however many years I own my car.
My sister once got food poisoning from some salad dressing in my fridge.
I had the quintissential LA (and in this case, I mean Los Angeles) Saturday night. Had dinner in Hollywood at a restaurant where they serve $40 margaritas and $15 dinners. And all because my refrigerator was bare.
I also have 5 jars of pickles in my fridge. They are not all garlic related though.
And you know, next time I go to the store, I will buy another damn jar of pickles because certainly we're out. Right?
I love those clean outs. I'm guilty of having a frozen turkey in my freezer for... i think its... almost 2 years?
Yeah, I know.
Your fridge sounds like every other fridge OneHung has seen. Every few months OneHung cleans out his and is scared of the things he sees.
Mister U- there's nothing nicer than cleaning up maple syrup, eh? It's like you clean and clean but months later your pants are still sticking to the seat.
Wait... that sounded weirdly sexual. Well, anyway you know what I mean.
LA- you mean you weren't chased away by the fires? I bet the sky is a lovely shade of gray/orange right now.
I miss the taco trucks in LA.
Moi- Obviously a person can never have enough pickles.
I don't know why I seem to buy nothing but condiments. I don't even like mustard. Except on my biscuits of course. Them's good eatin...mmmhmmm.
Ms. Smack- well are you going to defrost that sucker and eat it? My mom would. She would do stuff like that all the time when I was a kid and everyone would get sick but her.
Onehung- when are they going to make a robotic, self cleaning refrigerator? Or at least one that comes with tiny elves who will clean it for you in return for a few sheckels of gold and all the Lucky Charms they can eat.
I have a strange compulsion to buy pickles at the store. I ended up throwing out 3 jars one night that had exp. dates of 2003, 2005, 2001. Then I went and bought more.
It's a sickness. But I love pickles.
I had the pleasure of packing up the attic and garage and hauling it all in the back of my truck, back and forth, between the old house to the new, and over again for 2 days. And still there is more crap to move.
Trade ya.
ah, the old Paul Newman half jar of dressing or sauce. I have quite a few of those bottles in my fridge.
I admire any woman who gets on her hands and knees and does the business with her white goods. I hate the fridge clean out! The guilt for uneaten food items is horrendous.
I laughed at your 5 poems by the way, that is gold! your blog is hilarious and I'm going to be back
(and that is a promise AND a threat!)
You're a real "the bottle of Newman's Own ranch dressing"-is-half-empty kind of person, aren't you?
Pru - I have a Christmas fruitcake from 1992 in my freezer. I can't bring myself to throw it away, it has become a family tradition. Every year we take out the ceremonial fruitcake, reflect on Christmases past, and back into the freezer it goes till next year.
I had to add to the fridge tonight.. needed food until payday on wednesday.
that said, I'm going to have to subtract soon (other than the Moosehead lagers on the bottom shelf which are going quickly during the baseball playoffs).
Anyway... have a good 1.
Watch out for those nasty crawly things!!
Pru, you won't believe this, but I chucked three plastic grocery bags of rotted produce onto the produce (I mean compost) heap tonight, and bitched yet again about inventing a bio-mass electric generator. Mr. H's wise advice? "just stop buying produce, and for god's sake, don't plant 12 tomato plants when it's just the two of us, you're not--NOT-going to make spaghetti sauce and salsa from scratch, I know you're not... you're not!"
Must do something about his pesky wisdom.
Your fridge is your friend.
I don't really have a refrigerator. My apartment is pretty small and there isn't a lot of room. Thankfully, though, my room is haunted, so I keep all of my food (a bag of lettuce and a can of low-sodium SPAM) cold by storing it in the various cold spots created by the ghosts trying to manifest themselves. It's like, "Hey, I can see my breath in the corner where the bullet holes in the wall were patched with Altoids. Neat. Time to move the lettuce."
Ghostly activity is a great way to keep your greens nice and chilly, and SPAM has a shelf-life, regardless of storage conditions, that dwarfs the half-life of Pu-239.
Murderous Misanthrope usually keeps all of his food—hunks of meat—cold by tying them to various pipes in the apartment. One time I looked in the cabinet under the sink to get some Windex and found what looked like cheerleader steaks tied to the sink pipe with dental floss. It was a lot less fetid than pieces of mutilated meat tied to a pipe for that long should have been, so I can only assume Murderous knows what he’s doing. I do wish he’d stop fermenting viscera wine in the toilet tank, though. It’s like Ed Gein and the Kool-Aid Man own and operate a rotting organ vineyard out of my bathroom.
I found a container of alfalfa sprouts that had turned to water and were permanently glued to the shelf in the fridge when I got back from vacay
Please don't hate me because nothing is rotting in my fridge.
However, I did find a chocolate Academy Award Oscar statuette that I'd forgotten about.
Pru - Exactly. The sky is a lovely shade of puce. The air quality is shit.
Did you ever find the butter for your toast? Dry toast is so . . . . dry.
I keep human heads in my fridge, and they're typically fresh for about 100 years, so I won't be cleaning mine out any time soon.
I figure I'm moving out in two years, so I'll leave it for the rental management company to clean my fridge once I'm gone.
Last weekend I stayed inside completing assignments, venturing out only to go to the library. I'm a party-machine!
SG- I love pickles too, but what usually happens is that I buy a jar, eat one, and then forget they are in the fridge. Same with olives.
Memphis Steve- no thanks. You have my sympathies, though.
Betty Boob Hug- cleaning the fridge is only slightly more pleasant than scrubbing the toilet, and much worse than vaccuming. This is why I rarely do any of these things.
I'm glad you will be back. I really liked your blog.
Blowing Shit Up- shit, is it that obvious?
Brenda- that is a lovely Xmas tradition. I wish my family should start doing something like that, instead of sitting around getting pickled on grandma's whiskey egg nog and arguing about politics.
Bumble- you ever notice how there is never any old beer sitting around in the fridge? Not in my house anyway. That maybe because I don't drink beer, but if I did I imagine there would never be any going to waste.
Helen- I wish I lived near you. I love homegrown tomatoes. Maybe you could sun dry them?
GF- true, and unlike human friends it never takes offence at the things I say or tries to sell me Amway products.
Morbid- your place is still haunted? I thought you got rid of the ghosts by playing your speed metal at top volume 24 hours a day. No? Well at least it got rid of your neighbors. What you need is a mini fridge and a poo flinging monkey. I'd be happy to let you have Tucksworth. He's hardly any trouble, all you have to do is give him a bag of weed once in awhile and let him watch Dr. Phil. He'll get rid of the ghosts in no time.
That Murderous Misanthrope is such a silly boy. Doesn't he get his fill of raw meat at work? Mrs. Danvers is flirting again. She just muttered, "Beelzebub! He shall be judged harshly and thrown into the River of Heads!" And then she laughed dementedly. God, she is turning into such a little slut!
Diane- well, the good thing is that they probably taste the same after they turn to slime.
MJ- I don't hate you because you have a tidy fridge, I hate you because you are much more clever than I am. And you have sexier legs!
LA- my brother lives in San Diego and he had to evacuate his home recently. I still haven't heard if his house is okay.
Dan- I'm pleased to see you are back. Are you blogging again?
Dry toast does suck. Butter is a gift from above. I'm mostly vegan but I just can't give it up.
Bottleblonde- actually that's a myth. Human heads won't stay fresh for more than 50 years.
I really liked your post on blogging rules. It inspired me. I've added you to my list of blogs to steal ideas from.
Mish- I figured you were studying hard. Or partying hard. Well I'm glad to hear from you again. I missed you.
Pru, that's what I ended up doing with the majority of them (well, put them in the dehydrator) We've been eating sun-dried tomato, feta, and fresh-basil pasta once a week since early August and I'm still not tired of it.
show us ur tits!
Crap, I thought I posted than anon. Nevermind.
Fucking wives' tales.
Feel free to loot my shit any time, Pru!
Damn, Pru. Keep us posted on your brother.
I know two SD people who had to evacuate and two SD firefighters. As far as I know, no one's home yet.
Pru,
I never stopped blogging. I just have very little time to read blogs, write comments, and post on my own blog. My wife discourages my blogging habit, and I can't blog from work any longer. I told my wife and my boss that at least I wasn't on porn sites.
I do not believe in leftovers. I won't eat them, the kids won't eat them. We are wasteful, yes.
I make it a point to clean out the refrigerator every time I come home from the grocery store. It works well for the most part.
Glad you had a productive weekend, lol.
You cleaned out your refridgerator? That is exciting! LOL rapstars like hypnotic because it's blue and cool looking and stuff.
MsP
Helen- yum, that sounds delicious!
Mister U- but you just saw them at The Boobie Barn last weekend. What, you want more?
Bottleblonde- thanks bb!
LA- my brother and his house are fine.
Dan- poor Dan, having to blog on the sly. Well hopefully that will add to your enjoyment of it.
Samantha- that's a really good system. I rarely eat leftovers either. I have no idea why my mom insists on saving that stuff.
Mspuddin- well, it was blue and pretty, but then so is Windex.
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