Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Five Stupid Poems

I've tried and tried to pamper my skin
with pricy lotions and sunblocks and organic oils
you'd think it would be soft and creamy as a magnolia
but no, it looks like crap!
Fuck you, Skin!

It's True
You mean you can't believe
everything you read
on the internet????

I need
a job.

Thanks Dad
I was all dressed up
smiling, radiant, ready to dazzle
my father took my hand tenderly
"You look beautiful, honey," he said.
"You look like Ann Coulter."

Writers Block
I really hate writers block
it stinks worse than a sweaty gym sock
I can't think of thing and it's eleven o'clock
my mood is blacker than volcanic rock
as I sit at my desk and try to take stock
I feel like punching someone in the penis.


Mister Underhill said...

That penis punch was painful, but sorta nice.

I like the Ann Coulter poem the most. Your father deserved his horrible cancerous death.

The skin one was good, too, but I am sure you are worrying over nothing.

MJ said...

Don't sit there and sob
Or your mascara will blob.
Then you won't get a job
And you'll hurt someone's knob.

Captain Smack said...

Don't feel bad, Pru. I'd still bang Ann Coulter, even if she does look a little like a tranny.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Those were magnificent *wipes tear from cheek*

kookla@work said...

Skin - What would you be without it?

It's True - That was the only truth I've read online

Jobs - The mortuary is in escrow and we'll need a greeter!

Thanks Dad - Maybe he meant before the sex change?

Writer's Block - Uh...I got nothing.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- sorry about the penis punch. I'm hormonal. A little chocolate took care of things. I hate to be so cliche but it's true.

MJ- good advice and it rhymed. It doesn't get much better than that.

Captain- you did say that your standards were pretty low, but I assumed you were joking. Or are you joking now? It's hard to tell with you wiseass types.

I am tall and thin like Ann, and I do have long blonde hair. But I think that's where the resemblance ends. My dick is way smaller than hers.

SG- well, I don't like to brag, but poetry does come naturally to me. I wrote my first poem at the tender age of seven. It was an ode to my art teacher, Mrs. Moore and it went like this:

Mrs. Moore can soar like an eagle
Mrs. Moore has a nose like a beagle

Mrs. Moore didn't really care for that one, but the kids in second grade gave it two thumbs up.

Kookla- I have a whole wardrobe full of black clothes and I'm ready to work. Just tell me when to show up.

Captain Smack said...

I actually meant it sort of along these lines.

Mister Underhill said...

CS, that is the most ludicrous thing I have ever read. No one would read the grapes of wrath as an adult in a public place.

Liquid said...

Priceless, Pru!

Helen said...

Pru, I think your lack of resemblance to Ms. Coulter should be a point of pride, although we all get off on socio-political talk pre-coitus.

LA said...

Why do you look like Ann Coulter? Is your pie hole always wide open?

GetFlix said...

Such poetic truths!!

BottleBlonde said...

Very well written, Maya Angelou.

By the way, Oprah told me she wants her weave back.

Sudiegirl said...


I smell Hallmark cards in your future...

Prunella Jones said...

Captain- wow, that was the most unerotic thing I've ever read. For some reason I believe every word.

Mister U- I've never read The Grapes of Wrath even in school. I did visit Steinbeck's house once while on acid. Or maybe it was Jack London's house. I get those two confused. All I know was it was some dead guy's house that was filled with rainbows and talking elves.

Liquid- you can't put a price on hideous poetry.

Helen- well, I know my dad meant it as a compliment. He thought Ann was the sexiest thing to ever walk the earth. Had he compared me to Hillary Clinton, it would have meant he was unhappy with my appearance. BTW I'm really hoping Hillary wins next year. It will surely make the old man do somersaults in his grave. Possibly even bring him back from the dead.

LA- my piehole IS always open, now that I think about it. I do like to talk. But unlike Ann, I don't have an adam's apple. (I got it shaved down.)

GF- was that sarcasm? I hope so.

Bottleblonde- Oprah can kiss my ass. This Beyonce-approved lace front weave looks much better on me.

Prunella Jones said...

Sudie- Tucksworth has a grudge against Hallmark. He posed for some cards wearing nothing but a party hat, and he thinks they airbrushed him to make his butt look bigger.


When you have writer's block either spread malicious gossip,out a gay or pick on a religion.Or rip off someone really funny like Smackers? Wouldnt that be funny if we all organized a rip smackers off day and everywhere he wnet it was his post?

anandamide said...

Holy Shit PD'V. You're a better Poet than Jewel !!!! said...

I'm starting a petition to get Ann Coulter's image carved on Mt. Douchemore.

prettykitty said...

is it writer's block if your last post is dated august 28th? because i may need to get in touch with your dealer.

ps your dad sounds like he could swap "compliments" with my mom.

morbid misanthrope said...

Writer's block is a bummer. Thankfully, I have so many personalities, someone always has something to say. It's usually not that interesting or involves butchering kittens with puppy bones, but at least it's something.

Being compared to Ann Coulter isn't all bad. I mean, she's successful and a total badass. Of course, she could never work at a Hooters. Just sayin'.

Prunella Jones said...

Ubermouth- I do like to pick on Scientologists, but I don't know if that really counts as a religion.

I would have no qualms about ripping off Captain Smack if I could. Alas, he is out of my league in terms of talent, humor, punctuation skills, and photoshop ability. Plus he hangs with Jesus. No wonder he has so many fans! I wish I could count Jesus as a close personal friend. That bastard never returns my calls however.

Anandamide- Jewel's poetry is an inspiration to all us blondes who like to show off our hooters in tight tee shirts. You know, I think I've found my blogs patron saint!

Brenda- sounds good. I'll sign it. Is she going to be between George Bush and Condi Rice?

PK- well I could hook you up with my dealer. He's also my psychiatrist. You do have to suffer through visits with him four times a year, and he asks a lot of annoying questions about feelings, but all in all it's a lot easier than hanging around the high school trying to buy them from a tenth grader.

Whenever my mom tells me my outfit is "whorish" I know I must be looking bangin hot. When she tells me I look lovely, then I go change.

Morbid- I was actually experiencing writers block with the other stupid crap that I write, not really this blog. I'm bogged down in the romance I'm working on. I mean, how many fresh ways are there to say, "he boned her silly" after all? Although I guess I am putting too much thought into it. Cliche's sell best in almost any genre, especially romance. If I were smart I'd do it the way it's supposed to be done instead of trying to be fresh. I'm dumb though, and stubborn as a block of cement. I need to go get one of those tattoos of the Chinese character for "failure." That way I could be trendy and I wouldn't suffer from the delusion that my tattoo really meant "grace" or some bullshit like that.

I could see Ann as a Hooters girl. She'd just need a seriously padded push up bra with maybe a few of those chicken cutlet type thingees stuffed inside, to make her look like a woman. She'd probably love it, don't you think? At least more than I would. My self esteem hasn't fallen quite low enough to enable me to take that job just yet, but it's getting there.

morbid misanthrope said...

How about, "he stuck it to her biblically" or " he verbed her adjective noun"? Wow, I guess I can be romantic sometimes.

Prunella Jones said...

Morbid- "he stuck it to her biblically" is not too bad really. It kinda brings Samson and Delilah to mind. Better than "they went forth and procreated" anyway. "He verbed her adjective noun" is more eloquent than 90% of my love scenes. I'll have to use it sometime.

Well, well, who knew you could be such a romantic devil?

Sudiegirl said...

Poor wonder he smokes so much dope, et. al.

He has a painful past to overcome...I had no idea.

Mister Underhill said...

What's that, lassie? Prunella's trapped down in the well? No wonder she has not updated lately!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I liked Jobs.

Helen said...

One stupid poem/haiku:

Our fave blond lass, pru,
so falls the high-heeled shoe,
of blog world is through?

Prunella Jones said...

Sudie- he should go to therapy to deal with his issues and stop using drugs as a crutch. When I suggested this to him he just flung poo at me as usual. Such a touchy little bastard.

Mister U- is anybody ever going to get me out of this well?

Blowing shit up- that may be the best user name I've ever heard.

I read this one at a poetry nite last week and for some reason no one thought it was a poem. Someone yelled out, "they are hiring at Old Navy!"


one high heeled shoe
one shiny metal pole
one blonde twisted below
her back she has managed to screw