Well, the thing is, I've never had any kind of realistic dreams or goals. Even as a child, I never dreamed about being a vet or anything remotely attainable. I always wanted super powers or something. So, I will just cut straight to that last line "what would you do if anything was possible?"
Here is what I would do:
1. I'd like to be a man for at least a week. And not just any guy either, I'd want to be a real studly man, like a seventies era Burt Reynolds. I'd wear tight pants and unbuttoned silk shirts that would allow my chest hairs to bristle out fetchingly, and have a hot babe on each arm. I'd say stuff like, "Hey baby, come suck on Burt's mustache," and the girlies would be all over me. That would be awesome! Or else I'd like to be a real tough dude, like Chuck Norris, so I could kick butt. Maybe I'd go over to Iran and singlehandly destroy their nuclear weapon making capabilities while giving their president a roundhouse kick to the face live on television. It would be fun to be such a complete badass.
Who could resist me?
2. I'd travel back to biblical times so I could hang out with Jesus and see for myself what really happened. Knowing me, I'd be standing around with Doubting Thomas during the entire crucifixtion, speculating on what tricks Christ would use to make himself appear to die and rise again. I'd also like to see him walk on water and party with him. I wonder how much wine it would take to get the son of God drunk?
3. I'd like to be Samantha on the old television show "Bewitched" (not the stupid movie with Nicole Kidman). She was hot, and it would be nice to just be able to just twitch my adorably pert little nose and have whatever I wanted to happen happen. Plus it would be fun to hang out with her mom and evil cousin. We'd drink martinis all day, and fuck with Mrs. Kravitz, and conjure me up a much more attractive husband than either of the two Darrins.
4. It would be nice to have taste buds that made broccoli taste like pizza. I'd be the healthiest bitch in the world.
5. My biggest hope is to one day be completely debt free. Unfortunately, it will be about as likely to happen as my first four dreams.
Abner! Prunella is going to do another meme!
I was also tagged by my favorite 80's music lover Onehungman to share seven random facts about myself, so I think I'll go ahead and do this one too, seeing as to how I'm on a roll and all.
1. I don't really have any artistic talent, but I like to doodle constantly. My favorite thing to doodle lately is pictures of The Creature From the Black Lagoon. I also like to draw sleestacks from the old Land of the Lost series.
2. I love books. I tend to think of my favorites as old friends.
3. I own an OJ Simpson doll. It was made during the seventies, back when he was a football hero. It's probably worth some money, but it's in bad condition and missing a leg. Once I dreamed that it came to life, Chuckie-style, and started trying to stab me. It freaked me out enough that I moved the doll from my bookcase to a bathroom drawer. But now that I think about it, I should go ahead and move it back. Even if it did try to stab me, the damn thing is only eight inches tall and since it only has one leg it would have to hop. I could easily kick it across the room.
Muyhahahahaha!
4. I came into the world feet first and nearly died at birth.
5. Even though I own a lot of beautiful shoes, I tend to wear the same old, beat-up pair of navy blue Converse sneakers everyday because they are so comfortable.
6. I wish I was a type A personality who could get things done, but I'm more of a slacker. If I do two things on my daily to-do list, then that day is a success. I also have loner tendancies. Too much human contact makes me crabby.
7. I have a really embarrassingly goofy laugh. I think it makes me sound like Alice the Goon.
I will tag the following people to do either one (or both) of these:
Brenda Love
Morbid Misanthrope
Diane
LA
Norm
Sudie
And anybody else who has not yet done one. C'mon, you know you want to.
34 comments:
Us troubled loners need to stick together. Apart, though, You know what I mean.
Wow, that OJ doll sounds freaky bt cool at the same time. The idea of a doll of him is just so very very gay. I wish I had some top gun dolls to play with, though. That would be the end of any pretense of sanity or ability to get anything normal done any time ever, though. "I feel the need...the need for black cock!" I would shout out in my tiny tom cruise voice.
I'm glad I did not get tagged again. I will start spraying the motherfuckers who tag me with patchouli oil. Bastards.
Oh, and I can just see you as Burt Reynolds. "Shut your hole, bitch!" you'd say as you took out your throbbing unit.
Mister U- I didn't tag you because I saw that you'd already done one. Now I'm really glad I didn't since the smell of patchouli oil is nearly impossible to remove from clothing, and I'm wearing a cute new sweater.
If I were Burt I would constantly have a throbbing unit and I wouldn't have to say anything to the chicks. I'd just give them a manly wink and point to my package and they'd happily service me.
I'm with you on the loner thing- being pleasant to my co-workers all day is enough to make me tired at night.
What about pizza that has broccoli on it??
Pru, baby, just lounge on that bear rug and PRETEND you have a hairy chest like Burt. The rest just sort of follows (free drugs and/or alcohol, broads, charisma, breath that smells like aqua velva, etc.)
Pru - You were a "footling breech!" Yes, it can be very dangerous. I take it you weren't delivered by C-section. If you were born today, that's how they would deliver you (I'm sure you know that).
I'm with you on wishing I was a type A. I would be invincible if I was, but that drive simply does not exist inside of me. And funnily enough, I am totally annoyed by people who are.
Princess of the Universe - My co-workers suck the life out of me, too. I solved that problem by finding a job where I could telecommute.
OMG, Mrs. Kravitz! My mom was totally the Mrs. Kravitz of our neighborhood.
Okay, I'll do at least one of those memes, or maybe half the number on both. Ambition has not been my friend lately.
Norm will give it some thought and post soon.
If you were going to be a guy for a day, you could always try being OJ Simpson. Then you'd know what it's like to be a lady killer, figuratively and literally. That's like a twofer, really.
I've been tagged? Cool. I feel privileged even though some would consider getting tagged the blogger equivalent of catching the clap from a tour bus bathroom ... whatever that means. I'll get around to it pretty soon, when I can think of or make up something interesting enough about myself to post.
Oh course if I could be a man I wouldn’t want to be a weenie either!
I like your taste bud idea, but unfortunately I would be really, really fat if that were possible. I already eat a lot.
Damn. That is too much about the OJ doll. (toy?) When you woke up did he tell you he really didn’t do it?
The mascot at TCU (Superfrog) looks eerily like Sleestack. Could you be drawing Superfrog?
Who's alice the goon?
That Burt Reynolds picture is too much. Hard to believe that in these "eek, a body hair !!!" times, that kind of full body rug was all the rage.
This societal change is best traced on photos of Jon Bon Jovi. The dude loves to pose nearly nude (I have just gifted you hits - you wouldn't believe how many people search for "Bon Jovi Nude" everyday !!!). In the 80's he was sporting a full body carpet. Now? He must employ a full time waxer...
Princess- maintaining a pleasant facade is exhausting, isn't it? I know it tires me out more than any actual work.
Broccoli covered pizza is fine, I'm sure. Anything tastes better coated in cheese, but that's off limits on my vegan diet.
Helen- that picture of Burt was hot stuff in the 70's (he used to give my mom the vapors) but now it just makes me laugh. Although I wouldn't mind having a bear rug to lounge around on naked.
LA- I'm not sure why my mother wasn't given a c-section. She said the doctor tried everything to move me into head first position but I kept turning back. I guess I was rottenly stubborn from the beginning.
Don't sweat the memes. They're meant to be fun, not a chore. Feel free to slack.
Norm- 7 random facts about your old shack would be fun.
Morbid- ugh, who would want to be OJ? I hate playing golf! Not to mention his rigorous schedual of hunting for the real killer in the Florida resorts, and jacking sports memorabilia collectors in Vegas would exhaust me. I'd rather be Kato Kaelin. All I'd have to do is blow dry my hair all day and, like, surf or something.
Thank goodness you aren't annoyed by the tag! I have enough voodoo curses to deal with right now. Plus, my coven got kicked out of Krispy Kreme when we tried to hold one of our Wiccan meetings there the other day, and now I have to use all my energy towards souring the doughnuts. You know how that goes.
ms.puddin- the doll didn't admit anything, but he did tell me how he would've done it if he did do it.
Moi- I looked it up on Google Image and you're right, it certainly does.
Sudie- she's from the old Popeye cartoons.
Anandamide- thanks for the hits gift. Boy, you ain't kidding about the body hair. I think you can also follow the decline in body hair popularity by looking at old Playboys. I think the early 80's was the last time women sported bush.
Good or bad, the downfall of body hair directly contributed to the ubiquitous moment in certain movies in which the protagonist has to get a total makeover, including a good old fashioned back waxing. It never gets old, does it? Seeing them rip off the wax and the dude screaming like a freak.
BTW, there are raw vegan recipes that approximate actual piaza.
sorry... pizza.
Thanks Pru.
You're a hoot! I liked your boob pic.
OH YEAH! Now I remember.
Oh...and BTW, OJ Stuff isn't worth as much on the sports memorabilia market as you think. A lot of times, those sports memorabilia dealers can't get rid of OJ.
Just like the rest of the world.
You have fun dreams. I can't imagine dreaming of being Burt Reynolds back in the '70s. Didn't he get ass-raped in a movie back then? I could skip that.
I'm only type A once or twice a year.
Question: If you were Burt Reynolds, would you smack photographers in the face like the badass that he is?
Question: If you were Samantha from Bewitched, which Darren would you like better?
Posting just one sentence about your near death experience was pretty damn powerful. Really. Great. Writing.
I TOTALLY digged Samantha from Bewitched. I wanted to stuff that little bitch, Tabitha, in a trunk so I could have Samantha as my mother.
I love the way you did this meme.
I'm definitely coming back for the archives. :)
Oh yay! I'm tagged. I'll do this.
Blowing Shit Up- waxing only hurts the first hundred times you do it, then it gets easier.
Onehung- bitte schon, Herr Onehung.
Marky- thanks.
Sudie- yeah, I saw an OJ doll on ebay going for $99 but that one was in good shape. Mine is pretty bedraggled. My dog likes to chew on him.
Memphis Steve- did Burt get ass raped? I thought that was Ned Beatty, but I can't remember. Still, all the ladies were panting for Burt in the 70's, though I don't get the appeal myself. I think Steve McQueen was way hotter, personally.
Samantha K- once or twice a year sounds perfect.
Mishy- 1. hell yes! 2. neither, they were both ick.
BB- wasn't Tabitha an annoying little brat? Samantha should have conjured up a nanny. I would've.
I guess it was pretty cool that I escaped death as a newborn. Too bad about the brain damage, but at least I don't have to wear a helmet anymore.
Midas- thank you. Please come back often!
Brenda- good! I always love the stuff you come up with.
Pru, I wrote a story and you're in it!! Come over and play, soon!
interesting- I shall get right onto your bio now.
Loved that pic of Burt- it never gets old. Bet even he has it on his wall!
I'm guessing that having married a heterosexual man, you have a hard time figuring out the allure that the Darrens held for Samantha. We'll probably have to email Liza Minnelli to find out that answer.
Helen- wow, that really rocked!
Ubermouth- he was such a hairy daddy bear, eh? My mom still gets palpitations from the picture.
Diane- that's exactly why I married Jake Gyllenhaal. I wanted a man who was 100% hetro! BTW I don't know who that little blonde twinkie is that's been following him around but I'm going to tell her to keep her paws off my man!
So many thoughts, and I'm so far down the list... hmmm...
1) 70's era Burt Reynolds... hmm... If I was another man, it wouldn't be Burt or Chuck. If I had to be a tough guy, it would be the Rock. I'd think about Keifer, but he's just too much of a drunk.
2) Sleestacks were cool. Land of the Lost rocks.
3) If you want to expand the OJ collection, I've got some old football cards - wanna make a deal?
4) I have no artistic talent either except editing essays. That can only take you so far.
5) I love books too. I buy more and more even when I don't read all the ones I have. Then I sell the ones I'll never read again to get more books. I also love magazines. I even save my old ones. That's nuts, but some day, I may need to make them a classroom reading assignment or find vacation information.
6) If I was a different guy, I could deal with being Josh Beckett as well. I'd get to be all cool on my ranch, date young country's hottest up and comers, and get to wear a cool necklace and still look tough. If I did that now, people would laugh at me.
7) I gave away my 11+ year old pair of green converse in March. So it goes. I don't know if I miss them, but I would miss my Doc Marten 6 whole maroons with mint green shoelaces if I didn't have them - even though I only break them out every 4 or 5 months. Converse All Stars are just the shoe, man.
8) I don't think I'm a slacker, though I do slack. I just have undiagnosed issues that cause me to be unable to get started. I actually contemplate not starting and putting things off. Can you recommend any meds?
Have a good 1.
You're right, it was Ned. Poor guy could squeal JUST LIKE a pig.
hahahahaha
wait a minute. i wear patchouli oil!
Bumble- thanks for doing the list. It's always nice to know I'm not the only sleestack fan out there.
Memphis Steve- he had a purty mouth too.
PK- you little hippy chick.
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