Have you ever thrown your back out? It seems like everyone has at one time or another. I just read that 85% of Americans will experience back pain before the age of 50. How depressing is that? I used to roll my eyes every time my dad started griping about his aches and pains, but now I understand what he was bitching about. I managed to hurt my back pretty good this weekend and it really sucks.
I was messing around on the pole, trying to work up a routine where I do a running back flip, slowly spin around in a circle, then finish by sliding to the floor in the splits (all the while holding a flaming baton in my mouth. Pretty cool, huh?) I'm not sure what happened exactly, but suddenly I felt a kind of ripping sensation in my lower back. And then when I tried to stand up, I couldn't. I've been hobbling around like Quasimodo ever since.
It's not as easy as it looks, people."
Whenever I stand up or sit down, I feel these weird, awful spams in my lower back. I've been laying on a heating pad and trying to do a bit of gentle yoga and it's helped a bit. I went to a chiropractor which also helped a little, but hasn't cured me. I was so desperate for relief that I let Cousin Balki smear my back with some secret Myposian remedy that smells like a mixture of garlic, goat cheese, and mud. It stinks, and he was getting too happy about rubbing it on so I put a stop to that, but if it had worked I'd let him rub away.
If I were a praying sort of person, I'd probably pray about this; but I'm more of a cussing type, so my language has been even more foul than usual. Everything is pissing me off. Like this morning when I gimped into the grocery store and all these people were smiling in my face and saying, "good morning, how are you?" I swear after the seventh time I felt like growling, "Fine, I just can't wait to disembowel you and spread your entrails all over the store. How are you doing?" I wish I had fangs to bare, or claws that I could unleash to warn others away from me. How are southerners so shiny and happy at eight o'clock in the freaking morning?
If anyone knows of any good voodoo spells to cure lower back pain I'd certainly be happy to hear about them.