Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Baby Got Back Troubles

Have you ever thrown your back out? It seems like everyone has at one time or another. I just read that 85% of Americans will experience back pain before the age of 50. How depressing is that? I used to roll my eyes every time my dad started griping about his aches and pains, but now I understand what he was bitching about. I managed to hurt my back pretty good this weekend and it really sucks.

I was messing around on the pole, trying to work up a routine where I do a running back flip, slowly spin around in a circle, then finish by sliding to the floor in the splits (all the while holding a flaming baton in my mouth. Pretty cool, huh?) I'm not sure what happened exactly, but suddenly I felt a kind of ripping sensation in my lower back. And then when I tried to stand up, I couldn't. I've been hobbling around like Quasimodo ever since.



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It's not as easy as it looks, people."



Whenever I stand up or sit down, I feel these weird, awful spams in my lower back. I've been laying on a heating pad and trying to do a bit of gentle yoga and it's helped a bit. I went to a chiropractor which also helped a little, but hasn't cured me. I was so desperate for relief that I let Cousin Balki smear my back with some secret Myposian remedy that smells like a mixture of garlic, goat cheese, and mud. It stinks, and he was getting too happy about rubbing it on so I put a stop to that, but if it had worked I'd let him rub away.

If I were a praying sort of person, I'd probably pray about this; but I'm more of a cussing type, so my language has been even more foul than usual. Everything is pissing me off. Like this morning when I gimped into the grocery store and all these people were smiling in my face and saying, "good morning, how are you?" I swear after the seventh time I felt like growling, "Fine, I just can't wait to disembowel you and spread your entrails all over the store. How are you doing?" I wish I had fangs to bare, or claws that I could unleash to warn others away from me. How are southerners so shiny and happy at eight o'clock in the freaking morning?

If anyone knows of any good voodoo spells to cure lower back pain I'd certainly be happy to hear about them.

30 comments:

Mister Underhill said...

It was my lovin that threw your back out, and I suggest you use my lovin to throw it back in.

Or not. Since you have that restraining order on me and all, now.

I think "If I were the praying type I'd pray, but I'm more of the cussing type." is the best line I have heard in some time.

Helen said...

Aw, Pru, I was wondering where you were. So sorry to hear about your injury : ( I was going to tell you my ex's grandmother's secret olive oil based muscle-relaxer, but it sounds unnervingly like Cousin Balki's... Sooo, I say treat it alternately with hot then cold treatments (like hot toddies, then ben & jerry's) if you follow that regimine, you'll feel better. Or acupuncture. That works. And save your reciepts to claim the injury as work-related. That SOB Captain Peanut should cover it.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- you know why the missionary position got so popular? Because it's much easier than all that Kama Sutra crap. I'm throwing that book out!

Helen- I'm thinking of trying acupuncture next if it doesn't get better soon. I've only taken one day off since Mama's gotta eat. But pain killers aren't as much fun if actually have to take them for pain.

GetFlix said...

Pru, you need a nice back rub.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Maybe it was voodoo that got you into this mess. Any enemies out there with little dolls that look like you?

Ryan said...

Does your boss at the strip club offer you health insurance? You should go to the seedy physical therapy joint down the street, you know the one that also offers massages with a happy ending.

morbid misanthrope said...

The only advice I have to offer you, advice that will be of no use, is never take muscle relaxers for back pain if the back pain is actually your pancreas melting ... that's like pouring satanic gasoline on hellfire.

I've had some good results with leeches and cupping; although, those remedies wouldn't be of any use to you unless you're trying to cure your own demon possession.

Hail Satan, Morb. Come on! Just hail Satan while I gut this Hot Pocket!

How do you gut a Hot Pocket, Murderous Misanthrope?

That's a stupid question. You gut a Hot Pocket just like you gut a pony--except you gutted the pony because it was funny and you gut a hot pocket because you're hungry.

Uh, anyway. Like I said, leeches and cupping work on demons, but not on other personalities ... apparently. Eeeww. Baby horse guts are everywhere.

Hey, Morb! look in the VCR.

BottleBlonde said...

I'm surprised it has taken this long for you to develop back problems with a rack as big as yours. I figured you would've toppled over from the sheer weight of those cans by now. No?

What about acupuncture? I hear that eastern shit is like magic, or something.

OneHungMan said...

Like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes used to say, "the best way to get out of a bad mood is to spread it," OneHung feels the same way about pain.

Start inflicting it and yours will slowly fade.

Mister Underhill said...

Spreading it is always fun.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Lower back pain is treated by swallowing 3 vicodin and two glasses of really lovely Chardonnay consecutively.

Or! You can drop an anvil on your foot. That should distract you.

LOL'ing at OHM, Helen and Morb Misanthrope.

Samantha_K said...

Sorry to hear about your injury...but you make it sound so entertaining!
I'm with OHM (or Calvin, rather), get over the bad mood by spreading it. Put a black cloud over those Sunny Southern faces, babe.
Feel better!

kookla@work said...

Prunella, The best way to relieve back pain is to have a good subservant man at your side that will fetch your drink, pills, heating pad and remote control. Have him prop you up, bring your food, wipe your mouth and bottom, and nurse you back to health with gentle rubbing and salves and potions and ointments.

Once you have found this man, please email me your home address and I will trade you for Pelegrim.

BTW: I've had a sciatic nerve issue for over a month now. My caustic humor comes from lots of pinched nerve pain.

Prunella Jones said...

GF- a nice hot oil back rub sounds heavenly. When are you available to give it?

Blowing shit up- hmmmm I wouldn't doubt it. That damn Britinia is probably jabbing pins into a doll as we speak!

Ryan- The Boobie Barn does not offer insurance. That's why I have to pay for my shrink out of pocket. It doesn't matter as insurance companies never want to pay for anything anyway. I wonder who had the bright idea to start managed care? It's worked so very well, hasn't it? Well for the CEOs of the companies anyway.

Morbid- as far as I know my pancreas hasn't melted. It's just weak lower back muscles, with maybe a touch of demonic possesion. Maybe I'll try the leeches. Mrs. Danvers has given her approval.

What's that, Mrs. Danvers?

Oh, she just told me to tell Murderous Misanthrope that he is a babbling Assyrian sinner who is a breaker of the commandments, and also a creature of the firey pits of Hell. God, she's such a flirt!

Prunella Jones said...

Bottleblonde- what, these triple Fs? They are not too bad. Saline hardly weighs a thing.

Accupuncture sounds good. I will try it if I need to.

Onehung- what a devilish mind you have. I knew there was some reason I liked you!

Mister U- spreading your sex diseases has been fun for you, hasn't it? But that's not what we are talking about here.

Samantha K- thank you, my sweet. I just can't believe how friendly and happy most southerners are all the time. I'd think that maybe they are adding Prozac to the water here or something, except that I drink this water and I'm still a bitch. Go figure.

Kookla- poor Kook. These things are not fun, eh? I am looking for a Johnny Depp look alike to do the chores you mentioned, but so far I've had no luck. If I did find him, I wouldn't want to trade, even for a guy as hot as Pelegrim. I'd be willing to share my muscle relaxers though.

BTW shouldn't Pelegrim be busy aquiring the funeral home so we can all have a cool job?

Mister Underhill said...

Spreading my sex diseases? OUCH.

BUMBLE!!! said...

I hate when you're almost upside down and all of a sudden you get this huge cramp in your leg and you're like AAAHHHH!! but you know you have to go on and finish the set.

That sucks.

Memphis Steve said...

You want me to come over and walk on your back? They say it helps. Of course, usually it's a 100 pound girl on a 200 pound man and not the other way 'round. But you never know. I'm game if you are.

Beefcake Almighty said...

I've heard having a blind midget in golf shoes stomp on your back relieves the pain.

I've also thrown my back out from sneezing, believe it or not.

Captain Smack said...

Based on the photo of the running-back-flip-spin-around-floor-slide-split-flaming-mouth-baton routine, I'd say the problem is the heels. They're way too short.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- oh sorry. Are you cured now? That's good. Now you are just spreading seed, huh? I saw you and Krystal on Maury the other day. It was really cool how, after testing 27 other guys, she finally found out you were her baby daddy. Heartwarming stuff.

Bumble- I know! But, hey, we are professionals. Remember the creed: Neither rain, nor sleet, nor hideous back pain can stop the ass from shaking.

Memphis Steve- no thanks. After the voodoo spell, leeches, cupping, cussing, and chiropracter, I'm feeling better. But thanks for the offer.

Beefcake- sneezing, huh? Damn, that's depressing. I'm so paranoid now about hurting myself again.

Captain- of course! It is hard to balance on anything less than five inches. What was I thinking?

Mister Underhill said...

It was a setup!

You can't get pregnant from anal.

kookla@work said...

Pru, I forgot to mention, Pelegrim gets an endless supply of muscle relaxants because his doctor is senile. Reconsidering that trade?

Memphis Steve said...

Damn, I could have saved you a lot of trouble with a simple backrub before suspending you from the ceiling by your wrists for the night. It's kinky and might involve some embarrassing photos, but in the morning you'd feel a million times better.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

well, the gentle yoga is a good thing, but vicodins and wine win my vote every time!

take care of yourself and just try to take it easy. And stay off the damn pole

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- are you sure? That baby really looked like you around the sideburns. All holes kinda look the same in the dark, especially when you are drunk.

Kookla- endless supply of muscle relaxants, huh? Perhaps we can work something out after all. How good is Pelgram at back rubs?

Memphis Steve- you've really got to stay away from my Adderall, dude. I don't have that many left.

Brenda- I am better now, thanks to the wine I think.

Diane said...

Vicodin. Boxed Wine.

LA said...

A Duxiana bed will cure whatever ails you.

~Miss Smack said...

Go and get a proper massage by someone with strong hands, preferably a chiropractor. They'll take one look at your spine and know where the ouchie is.

Try not to fall asleep on the bench... *sigh*

M-M-M-Mishy said...

A sure fire cure for a bad back? Gin, pills and a massage by a hot, semi-clothed stud named Pablo. Trust.