Lunch with Lindsay

I had lunch with my friend Lindsay at an outside cafe the other day. She used to work at Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits with me but now she works at Hooters. I thought I'd get the inside scoop before I make up my mind whether to take the job or not. Lindsay is a riot, and she's always full of helpful advice. We had a blast.





"Yeah, it's true, if your ass gets any bigger than this they start docking your pay. You'd better keep on taking the Adderall, Pru. Oh that reminds me, can I buy some off of you?"







"Okay, I wrote down the name of the hair coloring brand we're all required to use. That's Miss Clariol #26, in Bimbo Blonde."








"If you thought Big Earl was bad, wait till you meet the preeverted assistant manager at Hooters. It's sooo gross how he's always checking to make sure we don't have any visible panty lines. That's another thing they will dock your pay for, by the way."







"Oh my God, Pru! Check out that hot hunk of man meat walking over this way. I see him hanging around here all the time and I want him! Does my hair look okay?"








"Hello sexy ladies!"







"Yeah, yeah, quit your snickering, Pru. I know he has a voice like Minnie Mouse and he's a total metrosexual but I don't care! He's super foxy. Oh and tell your drunk friend Paula to back off. I saw her giving him the hairy eyeball at Starbucks the other day, and pretending she couldn't remember how to stir her coffee so he'd help her. This guy will be mine, you bet your sweet ass!"

"Hey, anybody got a light?"

September is the strangest month

Things are heating up over at The Boobie Barn. The crazy protesters are becoming louder and more numerous. They are really pissed. They want to shut down all the gentlemen's clubs here in town.





I find it ironic that I am now worrying about being stoned as I walk in the door to work, considering I usually have to get stoned in order to go to work in the first place. Isn't life strange?




Captain Peanut only made things worse when he gave a press conference declaring himself the King of Nashville. He said he won't be run out of business by a bunch of churchies.





Captain Peanut in his kingly attire. What a moron he is!




One of the strippers from the nudie bar across the street started flashing the protesters.




This chick's nickname is Crazy Courtney. She's a tough broad. While she was baring her breasts, someone in the crowd chucked her upside the head with a carton of chocolate milk, but it didn't phase her.




The owner of the drag queen club, Janice's Cabaret, came out in support of The Boobie Barn. I was surprised to see Janice actually IS a woman. I thought she was a tranny for sure. Although, maybe she's just had some really good surgery.




Janice swears she is a close personal friend of Tyra Banks, and that Tyra might do a show on us. That would be exciting. I've always wanted to be on TV.




I still want a new job, but I really don't want to work at Hooter's. I'm thinking of starting a business giving pole dancing aerobics lessons at home. Either that or I could take the job that my cousin, Larry the undertaker, offered me selling burial plots. Which of these sounds better to you?

Signs

I've never been a big believer in omens or any sort of prophecy, but lately it seems like there are signs every where telling me it's time for a new job.

First of all, The Boobie Barn has attracted the wrath of some bible thumping loonies. They are apparently mad as heck about the jello wrestling. They think it is corrupting the city with sinfulness and they want to get the club shut down. Hey, I hated the jello wrestling too. I wouldn't mind their protests so much if they didn't call me a Whore of Babylon everytime I walk in the door. That gets old quick. Plus the way they chant, "Stone the strumpets!" constantly, well, it's downright creepy.



Our lovable protesters. Don't they have an abortion clinic to bomb or something?




Thankfully we do have one guy who protests against the protesters for us. His name is Joe Bob and he's one of our best customers.



Joe Bob even brought his kids out to help him this weekend. Isn't that sweet?



Captain Peanut is livid of course. I haven't seen him this angry since his diamond tooth fell into the jello pit. He made us girls fish around in there for three hours until we found it. Ugh, I will never eat jello again as long as I live.



Captain Peanut, eloquent as usual.



As if all this stuff going on wasn't enough of a sign that I need to get another job, I opened the paper the other day to read my horoscope and it said this:

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Damn, you really need to get another job!


So I guess I will start perusing the employment ads. I really hate job hunting though. I'm not suited for much. For instance, I can't work in an office. I've had plenty of decent office jobs, but I usually spend more time plotting hideous yet ironic deaths for my co-workers, than I do working.

I can't work at Earl's. You know why.

I'm not going to work at the fully nude places.

I guess that leaves me with only one option.




Oh boy, pantyhose with extra-small shorts. I just can't wait (to kill myself).

The Perils of Prunella

Casino owner Ram Sexington quirked an eyebrow as he stared at the lovely girl in front of him.

"So it was you who stole the hundred thousand dollars in nickles from my video poker machine? Well, well, can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police?"

Prunella straigtened her spine and raised her sea blue eyes to meet his. "I'm sorry, sir. It was wrong of me. But the orphans desperately needed food, blankets, and a Kabballah center. You have millions, surely you can spare a few nickles to help these children!"

"A regular female Robin Hood, are you?" Ram's green eyes were sardonic as they moved up and down her slim figure in the soft pale silk of her dress. "That's a lovely idea, but you would have been better off had you come to me privately and asked for the money. Perhaps we could have worked out some...arrangement. But when you steal from me, well, I really cannot overlook it. I am a businessman not a saint."

"No, more of a sinner I should think."

Despite the flippancy of her answer, Prunella was apprehensive. Something about Ram set up a vibration of nerves inside of her. He was so big, so dark and muscular, and she could feel the undercurrent of real intention in his gaze. He wouldn't think twice about taking a woman if he fancied her, and never before had she come up against this kind of primitive libido.

"You're right about that, Miss Jones," Ram spoke with a soft menace. "I am a sinner with no fear of the fires of hell. I shall quite enjoy them. Now let us discuss how you are going to repay me that money."

"I can work for you," Pru said eagerly. "I'm a fast typist and -- "

Ram smiled and took a step towards her. "I already have a secretary. No...the job I have in mind for you involves spending a lot of time on your back... in my bed."

"How dare you!" she gasped, outraged. "Go ahead and call the police. I'd rather take my chances in prison then sully myself with a beast like you!"

She turned on her heel to leave when suddenly, with one quick and nimble movement he grasped her slender arm in an iron grip and pulled her tightly against him. She could feel the heat of his bulging manhood pressing hard into her backside. "You're not going anywhere, little thief. You are mine!"

"Don't do this to me," she cried, struggling to break free. "we'll both be degraded ---"

"Pleasurably so," he rejoined, his lips brushing the sensitive nape of her neck. An alarming sensation shot through her when he reached out a hand and found the jewelled pin that secured her hair in it's prim bun. With one swift motion he pulled the pin and the tumbling strands of shining gold fell softly to her shoulders. Ram wrapped his fingers in hair and turned her round to face him.

"I'm taking you, so you had better stop fighting me," he growled. "You had better give in to the idea, for your silky white skin looks as if it might bruise easily."


So what do you think should happen next? How can Pru get away from this horndog? Help me finish this scene.


** I stole this idea from MJ as usual.

These are the People in my Neighborhood

Even though I've lived in Tennessee for a while now, I don't know a whole lot of people. And I don't know too many of my neighbors. So when the neighborhood association closed down my street for a block party this past weekend, I decided this would be a great time to really get to know the families around me. Actually, I'm lying. I didn't want to go to at all. I hate the neighbors that I do know, but my mom forced me.

My mom is a very social person. I swear, in the short time she's been staying here she has already picked up a southern accent and taken to calling everybody hon.

"C'mon, hon," she said. "It will do you good to make some nice new friends." She is not wild about my part time exotic dancing and thinks the only thing standing between me and a respectable office job is lack of "contacts." As if! But sometimes I feel sorry that she got stuck with such a weird daughter, so I helped her make a baked bean casserole and allowed her to drag me to the stupid party.



The first person I met was a gay guy named Al. I was totally thrilled as I love gay men. I know a few here, but they are all very mellow types. You know, the kind of guys who have settled down with their lawyer husbands and adopted children. I miss the campy gay guys that like to throw back Mojitos and engage in bitchy gossip sessions with me, so it was cool to meet Al. We had just started discussing the merits of MAC false eyelashes when a skinny woman with a giant head, and big bug eyes sat down next to us and glared at me.



Al and his "wife" Star. How could my gaydar have failed me so badly?



"Hello," she said, extending her hand in a regal manner. "My name is Star. I'm Alvin's wife." Then she planted a big, wet kiss on his mouth, which he returned. There were tongues flopping all over the place. It was pretty gross. I had to look away until it was over.

"Nice... to meet you," I stammered, confused. How could Al be married to a woman? I'd assumed he was gayer than Gay Pride float filled with rainbow colored poodles. But I guess I was wrong. I felt a little bit let down. Luckily my mom started talking to them about Martha Stewert sheet sets, or something equally as boring, so I moved on.



I met one kinda hot guy who had a whole bunch of kids. The kids were pretty cute but very demanding. At one point it looked like he was trying to carry all four of them at once. I never did see his wife. I wonder what she's like?




The DILF who lives down the block. Yum.



I met the new couple who just bought the house across the street from me. They are pretty nice but a little....trippy. The wife was very, very quiet. She smiled a lot but didn't talk at all, except to say that everything was amazing. Her husband was super intense. He's the kind of guy who stares intently into your eyes while he talks and stands just a little too close. It made me sort of uncomfortable. I kept backing away. As soon as he found out I was a writer he started going on and on about some novel he is working on. Something about a spaceman named Xenu. I guess it is science fiction, I really wasn't listening. I was watching the DILFy guy run after his kids. What a nice butt he has.Schwing!





The new couple, Tom and Kate. Can you believe how dressed up they for a neighborhood bar-b-que? I was wearing a T-shirt and jeans.


I was really kind of bored all day until I started talking to Paula. I can't believe I've never met her before. Boy, does she know how to party! We totally bonded over Strawberry Margaritas. She was pretty cool and didn't even mind when Tucksworth accidently knocked over her drink and it spilled all over her lap. Actually I'm not sure she noticed, she was pretty hammered. But fun!





My new BFF Paula.


At one point she turned to me and said -- well truthfully she slurred, "You know, Pru, I am sooo tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am."

I couldn't believe my ears. That's the way I feel every single day of my life!! I'm sure we are going to be great friends.

Bookmark Love

God, I love the world wide web. When I'm not busy spinning on a stripper's pole, or flashing my boobs in a blog post, I like to surf the internet. I have so many sites bookmarked that it's getting to be a chore to find anything. I tried to delete a few things this morning, but it's hard to let go. Here are some of my favorites that you might not have heard of:



1) stitchymcyarnpants - I've been meaning to tell my knitting friends (LA and Diane) about this one for ages. This site is dedicated to displaying all of the amazingly craptaastic things people have made with yarn through the ages. Man, do I wish I knew how to crochet so I could make one of those frog purses. It's gor-gee-ous. Plus the commentary is hilarious.



2) rate my turban - what can I say about this? Some days you just feel like rating a turban. I really like the guy with the pink turban best. He has a sassy attitude.



3) taphophilia.(dot)com - this is described as a repository of morbid curiosities, thanatology, cemetary, funeral industry, and death related news. I think it's really interesting as I am a weirdo like that. Check it out if you dare!



4) snopes.com - this site is a great reference source for urban legends, and folklore. I like the section on Coca-cola a lot.



5) world beard and moustache championships - Hawt!



6) wild recipes - full of recipes for the worst sounding food you can imagine. If you've always wanted to learn how to make headcheese, then you must check it out. Hint: there is hog head and tongue in it.


7) a soviet poster a day - basically some guy posts a soviet poster everyday and tells you what it means. Well...I find it interesting anyway.



So tell me, what strange sites do you have bookmarked and why do you like them?

Johnny and Me: A Shakespearean Tragedy of Unrequited Love

What is this.....what is this I spy?
A maiden fair and fresh as the dawn.
With Cupid's arrow have I thus been speared to a lovesick madness;
by this encounter of assailing eyes and pearl-like breasts.
Come to me, oh wicked, wicked wench.





Do you speak of me, my Lord? Pray go on.





Ah, your beauty is saint seducing gold.
Tut, I have lost myself. I am lost utterly.
My love is like a smoke raised with the fumes of sighs.
This fire, scorching with with the heat of a thousand suns,
shall not flicker, but burn only brighter
if you shed thy garments immediately.






Aye, my Lord! I am happy to do thy bidding! Off go these cursed garments!






Oh.....um....sorry, my lady. I do apologize, but you see I was speaking not to you but...






...to this vision of loveliness over here. That's right...you, my maiden. Come to me.






Be right there, Lord Sexypants. Smooches!







NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Tis too cruel! I cannot live! Where be mine dagger?

Good Morning World

So, it's just another Manic Monday. How I wish it was Sunday. Cause that's my fun day. My I-don't-have-to-run day. But it's not, it's Mondaaaay-ugh-ick-cough-yuck. Oh well, might as well have some fun. Wanna take a time wasting test? Click here for the "What Am I Like?" Personality Test.

I'm an idealist. How about yourself?

I Need an Intervention

I apologize for the lack of blogging this week. Believe me, it's not because I didn't want to or was too busy. No, it's because I just realized something terrible. I am utterly and completely addicted to Adderall.

If you've never heard of Adderall, it's a medication commonly prescribed for ADD. It works great, but it is super addictive. I never knew how much until I recently tried to quit cold turkey. I've been sitting here at my desk all week, just sort of rocking back and forth and occasionally wiping the drool off my chin. It was exceptionally brutal as I had also sworn off caffeine. I guess I shouldn't have tried to quit all my vices at once. I just got carried away, what with my recent conversion to raw veganism and yoga and all.

Maybe I'll go to a NA meeting this weekend. I bet I'd meet some celebrities. And it would be good to let the real me hang out. I can just imagine how it would go:

ME - "Hello, my name is Pru and I'm an Adderall addict. I'm also addicted to smoking oregano-like substances, occasionally snorting Wellbutrin, shoplifting, telling fibs, snooping in people's medicine cabinets, washing my hands, gossiping, and creating mayhem. Oh and I'm a total hypochondriac and sometime agoraphobe."

NA CROWD - "Hi Pru."


Ugh, that sounds boring. I hate meetings. Never mind, I just won't quit. Now that I think about it, I've probably already killed off 80% of my brain cells. I need the Adderall to kick the remaining cells in the ass and get them to work.


I'm still feeling slow, so I think I will just do this meme that Mister Underhill tagged me with last week.


Elaborate on the Following:


Accent - I don't have an accent, y'all.

I Don't Drink - because when I do, I start peeling off my clothes and wearing a lampshade on my head. Actually that is a total lie. I do drink plenty.

Chore I Hate - earning money. Man, I hate that! Maybe that's why I'm so unsuccessful at doing it.

Pets - one stoned monkey named Tucksworth, a lovable but intelligence challenged beagle named Shirley, various other animals that don't seem to live as long.

Essential Electronic - a Wii. I must have it! Will someone please buy one for me?

Perfume/Cologne - when I adhere to raw veganism, my sweat smells really fresh and good, like a nice crisp apple still wet with morning dew. I should bottle and sell it, as it is better than any of that $50 stank water that JLO puts out. Also perfume makes me sneeze.

Gold or Silver? - being a hippie, I prefer groovy natural gemstones like Moss Agate and Tigers Eye. They help balance my chalkras, and those damn things need balancing.

Insomnia- yes.

Most Admired Trait- I like people who are smart and verbally quick. There are a few bloggers out there whom I worship like rock stars for their twisted imaginations and ability to make the perfect comment.

Kids- one half alien baby, now being raised by Scientologists. His name is Ozzie Danzig. (sniff) Please don't ask me about it.

Religion- no thanks.

Siblings- yes, I am the youngest of 13 children. My mom didn't even know she was pregnant when I entered the world. She thought/hoped her uterus had fallen out, but it was me instead.

Here are the names of my siblings in no particular order:

Pierre
Paquitta
PollyAnna
Pax
Posh
Phuong
Pennsylvania
Pablo
Pebbles
Pickles
Poofy
Sean-Preston

Time I Wake Up - when Tucksworth slaps me across the face and screeches. God, that monkey is such a little bitch.

Unusual Talent/Skill - I'm exceptionally good at lying. It may be my one true talent.

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat - being vegan means I pretty much need to eat them all or risk starving to death. Besides, I like veggies.

Worst Habit - being superficial. Also, the inability to spell/use grammar.

X-Rays - tons. I've been abducted by Xenu several times after all. But I much prefer the x-rays to the anal probe.

My Favorite Meal - whatever is on your plate. It always looks better than whatever I ordered. Can I have a bite?



If you have ever been addicted to any substance you are hereby tagged with this meme. And if you've never been addicted to anything, you're tagged too (cause I hate you).

Things Running Through My Mind at 6:56 A.M.

I would totally watch a monkey knife fight. Is that wrong?






If Hitler had played the banjo do you think history would have been different? I do.






I'd really like to learn how to clog dance.






How come you never see pinheads anymore? Are they extinct or has modern medicine been able to mask the condition with plastic surgery? Also, "Where Have All the Pinheads Gone?" would be a great name for a band, don't you think?

Is the sentence above grammatically correct? I doubt it.





I need to remember to buy some rubber gloves. So that I.......won't ruin my manicure while doing dishes...... yeah that's it.






Mustard!




What are you thinking about this morning?