My lectures went well. I was a little nervous at first since I'm not much of a public speaker, but everyone was so enthusiastic and nice that I relaxed pretty quickly. Well, after the valium kicked in anyway. I have a couple of pictures for you.
Here I am demonstrating the proper way to lick a pole.
This Britney Spears look-alike got very drunk and puked all over the dance floor, just like the real Britney. We all laughed at her.
This guy showed us how to make dancing in tennis shoes and socks sexy. He pointed out that socks are a great place to hold tips. I'm going to try it sometime. Let's face it, 8 inch acrylic heels just aren't comfortable.
My nemesis, trying to work a Ver-sayce dress. As if!
Do you recognize this chick? Her name is Deelicious Diamond and she thinks she's famous or something. I consider her my arch enemy. You see, I am the star dancer at "Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits" and I've worked my ass off to get where I am. This bitch just got hired a few months ago and she's been trying to steal my spot ever since. Why, just last month she tried to push me down the stairs when I was getting ready to go onstage! Luckily I've studied Brazilian ju-jitsu for several years so I have reflexes like a cat. She ended up falling instead. I was really hoping she'd break an ankle or something but she landed on her butt implants and wasn't hurt at all.
I was all, "Nice try, whore!" (For some reason she goes nuts everytime someone calls her a whore.) She shook her fist at me and said she'd get me sooner or later. Now I'm constantly having to watch my back. God, there's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you!!
25 comments:
How drunk does someone in a bachelorette party have to be to tuck a fiver in grandpa's g-string?
OK - was it "Striptease" where the lead bimbo mispronounced "Versace"?
I've got the feeling you're better at licking the pole, Pru. And that's where the real money is at.
Diane- he dances under the name "Sexy Grandpa" and makes the big bucks. And the answer to your question is extremely.
Sudie- "Showgirls" the best movie ever made. Watch it sometime and take a shot everytime Elizabeth Berkley flips out at being called a whore. Fun times.
GF- you got that right. Oh, and thanks for that hundred dollar tip!
Is Deelicious Diamond related to Dustin Diamond of Saved by the Bell fame? Anyway, the next time that Deelicious woman falls asleep, you should glue her ass to the back of her head and kick her down a steep hill. Screaming something like "suffer usurper!" will help to get your point across and make you look pretty awesome, like some kind of Shakespeare character.
That was a hundred!? I thought I gave you a ten. Tell Earl not to make the drinks so strong!!
Did you take those pictures on a digital or a throwaway?
Was that pole-licking pic from your "Shake it Up: themes aren't just for parties" lecture? It looks like you're classed out 80s style. I missed that class, but it is such an issue that needs addressed. I mean, how many strippers are wearing short plaid skirts, white blouses and think it's sexy?
Sounds like you had a great time at Stripfest! Were you the Keynote speaker at the conference?
Morbid- are Deelicious and Dustin related? Good question. I'm thinking Deelicious might actually be Dustin in drag. Her voice is certainly screetchy. As for your ass-glueing idea, I love it! But I think I'd just shout something like "HAsta la vista, baby!" while giving her a roundhouse kick to the face. That's way more more American. Shakespeare is for sissies.
GF- ten, eh? Cheap bastard! I'll remember that the next time you ask me for a lap dance. No more "Grinding circles" for you! From now on you only get the "Limp Biscuit."
LA- I don't remember. But you should see the photos I didn't post!
Helen- well once Fergie Ferg does it, we all do it. She is the fashion goddess of exotic dancers everywhere.
Ryan- alas no, I'm not famous enough. Our keynote speaker this year was Paris Hilton. She gave an amazingly informative lecture on 50 Ways to "Accidentally" Flash Your Crotch. I learned so much!
OK Pru, as a true blog friend I must tell you that those poles? Have germs. Yeah. ew. GO wash your hands!
Deelicious Diamond is a bitch! Before she moved on to actually trying to kill people, she worked at my strip-joint and tried to kill my career by changing my birth contol pills with tic-tacs! She's just jealous and would do anything to get you out of her way. You're obviously a threat to her.
P.S. Pru, any time you wanna shake your thang north of the border, just gimme a holler and we'll work something out. Just keep in mind, the first layer we peel off are our parkas and gloves. It's a big hit north of the tree line!
SG- of course. You know what a germaphobe I am. Believe me, that pole was prepared to biosafety level three standards according to the CDC, before I put my tongue anywhere near it. I also had a hepatitis shot just to be safe.
Mish- Grrrrr! That bitch is low! Was this before or after you started dating Kevin Federline? Although if it was after, it wouldn't make so much difference I suppose. By the way, when are you due?
Also, did you work with her at The International House of Pooncakes or at The Ass Managerie? Because I've been to the latter place and it was a dump! It smelled like Masengill in there. But not in a fresh way.
I would love to know how desperate would a place get that they hire Lyle Wagoner to entertain the ladies in a g-string.
And yes, I did name check someone from the Carol Burnett show.
I'm going to sign up for Brazilian ju-jitsu classes tomorrow. I tried the Italian ju-jitsu, but found it much too hairy (greasy, too). I also didn't like the way every match would end with an execution-style shot to the back of the head.
You should cut the bitch's face.
Does she really have butt implants?
Such things exist? I guess I should kill myself now, then.
Pru -
While you were busy working your ass off, it looks like she was busy puttin' some ass ON.....
hahaha you crazy bitch.
Kookla- hey, Lyle had to do something after the show ended. He got tired of playing golf everyday.
(I just googled Lyle, and damn you are right on the money! Good eye, Kookla.)
Captain- Brazilian is the best way to go. Not only do you get to conga before the match, but after you pin your opponent, you traditionally beat on their buttocks as if they were bongos. Then everybody drinks! It's my kind of sport.
Mister- aren't you a little bit curious as to what those things feel like? I confess that I'd love to pinch one of those ass cheeks. I'm wondering if it would be like pinching a waterbed? Anyway, I'm happy to live in a world where I have the option of stuffing balloons in my butt. Just thinking about it often cheers me when I'm blue.
Brenda- you are indeed correct, Madam. She thinks she can now be the star of the show with those new lady lumps. But she's got nothing on my humps! My humps get all the brothers love drunk!
The Ego- crazy delicious. Owwww!
Damn!
Kookla snuck in the Lyle Waggoner reference before I could!
Prunella: Deelicious Diamond got me before I started dating Kevin. I found out about the Tic-Tac incident before I would have needed Maury's help to figure out who my baby-daddy was. WHEW!
But yeah, even after he promised to gimme a white wedding, Kevin knocked me up. Which is strange, cause we didn't even have sex. Kevin says he's able to "imm-pregnate a broad" just by looking at her seductively. Weird.
I'm due in February, which is too bad. I wanted to try to get preggers in January so that I could give birth in September and maybe our kid would have a similar birthday to SPF or JJF. Kevin doesn't like to have to remember things like his kid's birthdays and I gonna do everything I can to make my man's life easier. He's such a hard worker, ya know?
Ffleur- I didn't know Lyle had so many fans. But now that I've seen his pictures, you can add me to the list.
Mish- congratulations to you both! What will you be naming the little one? May I suggest Prunella Sue for a girl? Or maybe Kevalyn? Dwayne is a solid name for a boy. Whatever you get I hope that it will be healthy and not have those inbred looking eyes that are spaced super far apart like Brit's kids.
I think it's much more important how good a girl is at licking pole ;)
Mister- you big flirt!
Post a Comment