I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore. Well except for NPR. I mostly prefer CDs or my IPOD. But during my long, looooong, drive to the convention last week I found myself flipping the radio dial around compulsively. It's so funny how classic rock stations sound exactly the same no matter where you go. They usually have an annoying British DJ and tend to play "Hotel California" over and over. I found plenty of stations broadcasting sermons (mostly while driving through North Carolina) and tons of country stations. I listened to my beloved NPR for quite a while until "A Prairie Home Companion" came on. For some reason I can't stand listening to Garrison Keillor's breathing while he talks. It's so loud and whistling that it drives me crazy.
So I flipped the dial some more until I found one of those top 40ish, Ryan Seacrest type programs. And that's where I heard it. Possibly the most brilliant song I've ever heard in my life.
Really listen closely to these lyrics. They hold the secret to life!
You know how every once in a while a song comes a long that makes you question everything you've ever been taught? I remember hearing The Clash as a kid and getting all excited. They made me want to know more about what was going on in the world outside of my hideous little middle school. The first time I heard The Pretenders Chrissy Hyde growling, "I'm gonna make you, make you notice," I started thinking about the sexual power women have over men. And as I drove through the mountains last week listening to Lil Mama, I suddenly realized something important.
MY LIP GLOSS WAS NOT POPPIN! NOT AT ALL!
In fact, I wasn't even wearing lip gloss. Instead, I had on some Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm. I caught a glimpse of my lips in the rear view mirror and frowned. What did I know about me? I now knew my lip gloss was cheap! No wonder I'm not a big success!
After I found this video on youtube everything became even more clear. I was hideously unpopular in high school, but did my mother ever give me lip gloss advice? Hell no! The woman only wore cheap Avon lipstick, dabbed on once a week before church. She was no help. No wonder the boys were not jockin. No wonder they didn't chase me after school! If only I had known.
So I wasted no time in heading down to the Mac counter at the mall. And I can now safely report that my lip gloss is finally "poppin". And I do indeed, be lovin it! Thank you Lil Mama for sharing your wisdom with the masses.
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22 comments:
The secret to happiness discovered on a cross-country jaunt . . . this could rank up there with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and On the Road . . .
But the sad truth is, I know that poppin' gloss would be covering my front teeth in no time
My mom bought me some burt's bees aftershave.
I wonder if the same applies for men's aftershave...I do know old spice is to most women a boric acid is to insects, though.
The flip book animation was a nice touch.
Hahahahahahaha
I'm with diane, if this revelation were found on Thelma and Louise's trip they would have hauled ass to Old Mexico and set up in a nice hacienda with cabana boys in white shorts.
Diane- no doubt. I was all set to quit my job and just wander the earth like Caine from "Kung Fu" to attain this enlightenment, but now I don't have to. Although I will spend some time meditating on the problem of lip gloss covered teeth.
Mister- Burt's Bees products all smell so good. It's a much better choice than Old Spice, which smells like the uncle who always hugged you a little too hard at Christmastime. More molesterish than sexy!
GF- I agree.
Helen- poor Thelma and Louise. If their lip gloss hadn't been so cheap maybe they wouldn't have ended up at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Pru. Dear. I watched the video. I made it about 45 seconds, anyway. That really freaked me out. I'm very sensitive to overly weird forms social retardation, especially when it involves people doing strange dance moves and backwards-forward-backwards-forward camera shots. Thank god I wasn't on anything, I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in over a year.
heheh The singer has beautiful eyes, and like your mother, I had NO LIP GLOSS advice either.
AND WORSE, my mother did the Door to Door Avon thing for awhile when I was little. Oh, the shame.
Catchy this song, I hope my pre-teen daughter NEVER HEARS IT.
WOW! I feel like I just lost briancells, thanks for that on this lovely rainy Sunday morning! ;)
Yeah but what they didn't tell you is the look ain't complete without those big-ass heart-shaped earrings.
Bitch! You be talkin' smack 'bout Burt's Bees? 'Dems fightin' words!
Captain- thank you for your attempt at watching the video. 45 seconds was pretty good. I apologize for your discomfort. I thought this song was fairly innocuous, but I'm beginning to see that's not the case. Whenever I play it lately, and practice the dance moves, every dog in the neighborhood starts to howl and little kids throw rocks at my house.
Miss Smack- your mom sold Avon? Mine sold Tupperware. Oh how well do I remember the embarrassment of those parties. Wait, I actually don't remember all that much. I've repressed most of it.
T- sorry about the braincells. Maybe you can get them back by eating some fish and working a crossword puzzle? You should do a google search on that. I confess I only familiar with how to lose them. In fact, if losing braincells were an Olympic sport, I could probably win a gold medal. It would be like.......wait, what were talking about??
MJ- those are door knocker earrings, baby! Very hot! I'm glad you are finally back from your vacay. Tell me, is it just a coincidence that the one woman crime spree that was terrorizing the states finally ended now that you are safely back in Canada?
LA- Ooooooo yes! Bring it on, girl! I challenge you to a dance off! Come on down to the club and we'll find out whose lip gloss is the most poppin!
Ahh, if everyone had "poppin' gloss", I believe world peace could be achieved. If only.. if only...
I have to leave this commentary region now because my name is Princess and I am a lipglossoholic. I am 2 hours into my program and cannot be around others who are partaking.
Avon Glazewear in Mauve Chic is poptastic
Avon has advanced since the olden days.
Mish- shall we ship some to Iraq and find out? A new weapon of mass destruction! Yow!
This is my lip gloss.
There are many like it, but this one's MINE.
My lip gloss is my best friend. It is my life. etc...
Oh boy. My dad is really rolling in grave now that I'm blaspheming the Marine's Creed.
SG- mauve chic by Avon, eh? I must try it out sometime.
Brenda- see above comment.
First of all, I can't see through my tears enough to type anything coherent. Your write-up made me think that you were joking, but after I heard the song, my laughter turned to sorrow as I realized, I did receive lip gloss advice from my mother. But instead of putting it on, like she recommended, so that I would be pretty enough for the boys to notice, I casually tossed her suggestion aside.
I am going to stop at Rite-Aid on the way home and get myself some of those 99 cent Lip Smackers. They are still 99 cents, aren't they?
uh, actually...you can get tinted burt's bees lip balm, but it's not as cheap as chap stick.
where's chelmsford's meme, lady? he won't leave me alone about it...
Kookla- did you really believe I would joke about something as important and momentous as the secret to success? How surprising! I thought I was well known for my serious and sober approach to life?
Get the Root Beer flavored smackers. That's the best one.
Sudie- you are so right. The Champagne Burt's Bees tint is my fav.
I'm sorry about the meme. I will get to it. I've just been terribly lazy lately. It's the humidity. It has been sucking the life force out of me. I haven't even had the energy for hypochondria or a good anxiety attack. Tennessee is brutal in the summer.
What the eff... this passes for music deez daze. And the name Lil Mama, did she just recently have a baby? I swear, babies havin' babies is just wrong.
Unfortunately, I lack the determination of Captain Smack and only made it about thirty seconds through the video. At that point, I started getting visions of the Western World crumbling amidst flames stoked by extreme and unfathomable stupidity. Plus, I started thinking "racist" thoughts regarding dancing in school instead of reading books or learning something. I don't need that kind of trouble, you know.
Ryan- I'm not sure why she chose the name Lil Mama. Because she is not hefty enough to be a Big Mama?
Morbid- you mean school is for reading books and learning stuff? Huh. I thought it was for practicing backup dancing and lipgloss application. Well that was four years wasted. No wonder I can never remember how to punctuate.
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