Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Paris Answers Your Theological Questions

Paris Hilton is a changed woman. During her recent 23 day incarceration in an LA county jail, the beautiful heiress suffered great agony from claustrophobia and ADD. Not since Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert has a person been so tested. But instead of whining, she used this time to really study her bible. As a result, PAris has become something of a biblical scholar and she is happy to share her newfound knowlege with each and every one of you. Bring on the questions!

Dear Paris,

I know being on television is kind of nerve racking, which is why I figure you couldn't name a favorite bible passage. So I was just wondering if you might have thought of one now? I'd love to hear it.


Dear Curious,

Ummm yeah. I like that one about Jesus. You know, when he built the big ship with all the animals? That was hot. I love dogs.

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Paris on her way to the baptismal pond.

Dear Paris,

One part of the bible that has always freaked me out was when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. It's so weird how he'd been dead for four days and was "stinking of the grave" but then Jesus says "Lazarus, come forth" and he rises up pulling off the linen strips he'd been wrapped in. I picture him looking like The Mummy. It's so creepy! And then the bible never goes into detail of what happened afterward. It seems like people just said, "Cool beans, Jesus!" and started partying. No one got disturbed that Lazarus is basically a zombie or asks him what it was like being dead. Did he still stink or did that disappear? My Sunday school teachers always got annoyed with me for bringing it up. What do you think?

Scared of Zombies

Dear Scared,

Maybe you watch too many horror movies? I was in a horror movie called "House of Wax." Did you see it? It was sooo cool. I died in the movie, but I didn't stink or anything. It was like, not real or anything. My strip scene was really hawt.

Dear PAris,

I've always felt that the Old Testament and the New Testament were so radically different that they didn't belong together in one book. For instance, the Old Testament is all about anger and revenge. God seems to have no problem with violence, often ordering his people to go smite their enemies and getting pissed off if they don't follow his orders to the letter (see Lot's wife). There is tons of rape, incest, whoring, and murder, which God seems to be fine with. But the New Testament is all about loving your neighbor. In fact, Jesus' message contradicts nearly everything in the Old Testament. So is it "an eye for an eye", or "turn the other cheek?"


Dear Confused,

Um.... why are you wondering about that stuff? What does it matter? The bible must be a good book because if you carry it around and tell people you are reading it, then they like you better.

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The next time she gets locked up, Paris vows to read the Koran.

Dear Paris,

Do you know who wrote The Book of Revelation? Whenever I read it, those crazy visions remind of nothing so much as a bad acid trip.


Dear Trippy,

I don't know. I've never tried drugs. Not even once!


D.O.M. Dan said...

Prunella, you're hysterical. What a great post.

GetFlix said...

She's much smarter than she looks.

Helen said...

Dear Paris,

So if the whole "If a man lies with a man, as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own hands" is bad, why do folks not pay any attention to "do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material" in the chapter before. I mean, I totally GET why you shouldn't wear like a Poly-rayon blend, but doesn't everyone love Jack and Will from Will & Grace?

LA said...


Is that a Spiderman scarf she's wearing in picture #2?

Prunella Jones said...

Dan- thank you. I wish I was as qualified as Paris to answer bible questions, but I don't know very much. I hated Sunday school and altho my parents sent me to a bible camp for three weeks the summer I was ten, I spent the entire time listening to Neil Young tapes and plotting revenge against my mom.

GF- I think she looks like a mouth breather.

Helen- I don't remember that one but you don't want to piss off God. One of my favorite passages is from the second Kings (I would have loved Paris forever if she sited this). Some little kids laughed at the prophet Elisha's baldness and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. God answered by sending two bears to rip the kids to shreds. So obviously God cares about appearences.

LA- good call! I didn't notice as I was so busy marveling at Paris' muslim chic look, but I think you are right.

The Ego said...

Great post Pru:) There is soemthing about Paris isn't there though? How could one be so rich and so dumb?

Diane said...

I heart Pru!

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I would of had that same Deer-In-The-Headlights look if Larry King asked me what my favourite bible verse is. The only difference is that if I was going to blatently lie on Larry King, I would have at least had a bible verse on hand to throw back at him.

P.S. You heard her, kids. She's NEVER done drugs before... she's just naturally stupid.

morbid misanthrope said...

The Old Testament gave way to the New Testament (or new covenant) when Jesus (Yeshua) died on the cross, cleansing everyone—past, present, and future—of their sins and guilt thereby ushering in a new system of grace and mercy as opposed to penance and punishment. Jesus' death on the cross was also the final sacrifice, which is why Christians no longer have to sacrifice doves for coveting their neighbor's ass.

It's really so simple, I'm amazed that Paris Hilton didn't get it. That's what happens when you give an idiot the benefit of a doubt.

Prunella Jones said...

The Ego- one can only wonder and marvel.

Diane- back at ya, babe.

Mish- "Jesus wept" is the shortest verse in the bible and so appropriate for that whole dumb interview.

Morbid- to quote Patti Smith, "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine."