Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Late Night Scientology Show

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Greetings people of Earth. Welcome to my late night program. I am your host, Xenu the great and terrible. Fear me! Very good. This is my evil sidekick Mr. Prozac. Say hello to the humans, Mr. Prozac, if you are not too drugged out of your mind to do so.


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I'm sorry, Xenu, but I'm too busy twisting and destroying the brains of American youth to help you out. What you need is a vitamin pill.


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HA HA. So very, very true. Now let's get started with this entertainment show. My first guest is a very rich, famous woman who has silly beliefs. Please welcome Madonna.

Greetings, Madonna. Tell the audience how this Kabbahla nonsense has ruined your life.


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Hullo, mate. Are you daft? I'm bloody marvelous. Really everything is quite tickety boo. Why Kabbahla is the dog's bollocks, it is!


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What did she say? There is something wrong with your speech. You need to be audited very badly. Mr. Prozac, bring me the e-meter.


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Blimey, are taking the piss? Are you having me on? An e-meter? Not bloody likely. I can't be arsed about that naff shite! Bloody wanker! Why I should box your ears, I should!


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So you are refusing the great gift of Scientology? You prefer to wallow in ignorance? You won't relinquish your large fortune to my church? Well then you leave me no choice.


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Our next guest is an actor I've never heard of. Please welcome Cillian Murphy to the show.


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Uh...hello. It's really great to be here, I guess.


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First question: Are you a male or female humanoid?


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What? I'm a man.


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Hhhhhm...are you sure about that? You are quite lovely. Well no matter. Scientology will help you clear up your gender issues. Mr. Prozac, bring me the e-meter.


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No! I mean, no thank you. I really don't want to be a Scientologist but please don't zap ---


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Our next guest is a mouthy female and surogate mother to the soon to be born chosen one. Please welcome Prunella Jones and the male fetus she carries!


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Get back, Xenu! I've got a knife and I'm not afraid to use it!


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HA HA. Isn't that cute. The pregnancy hormones are making you feisty. This boy child will be a strong one. Together, he and Suri Cruise will bring a glorious new age of Scientology upon the world. Exxxxxcellent. But you should stop talking so much. My chosen one needs to be born into silence. Mr. Prozac, bring me the e-meter. She needs some auditing so she'll quit all this yammering.

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I'm warning you. Stay back! Or I'll...I'll scream so loud during delivery the kid will never rid himself of Thetans!


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(sigh) why wasn't she lobotomized like the last one? Mr. Prozac, take care of it will you?


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Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!


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We must break for a commercial but don't go away. Coming up we have our amusing top ten list of reasons why Matt Lauer is glib. Stick around or you'll be zapped. Muhahahahah.

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18 comments:

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Oh, Prunella! I hope you are ok! I have a plan to save you: I'll call Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johannson! They have all defeated Scientology before so they will know what to do. We will come together as a superhuman team to rescue you and your devil spawn from that jerk Zen--

**ZAP!!**

T-girl said...

You spend too much time laying in bed at night thinking about this stuff! ;)

Madonna drives me batty, she always has though, the girl is from Jersey, I suppose that is why she tries so hard to talk articulate, can you imagine if she started talking normal?

prunella jones said...

Mish- are you okay? Mish? Mish?

T- yes I do. I blame Prozac.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

PRU -
I just heard that Johnny Depp's daughter is in serious condition but they are not saying why! I'm at work....can you find out something for me????
- Brenda

Diane said...

wait! are you expecting? a boy? congrats!!

note to self, stalk Pru to get her address to send knitted baby garb . . .

p.s. wtf is Madge wearing?

Scottsdale Girl said...

Holy WonderBra Batman

Scottsdale Girl said...

Are those EYEBALLS on Madge's shirt? really?

prunella jones said...

Bren- she's been ill but she's okay now. I emailed you the details.

Di- you'll have to send the baby garb to Tom and Katie.

SG- I know! I thought those were eyeballs too. Eeeek. Very appropriate garb for her interview with Xenu.

LA said...

Holy Thetans, Batman!

Pru, you out-do yourself with each post. This goes down in the Hall of Fame.

PixieGaf said...

I agree with Xenu Cillian Murphy is very lovely.

prettykitty said...

i'd sure like to know what xenu thinks of "the secret" because oprah says we're all missing out.

prunella jones said...

LA- One of these days I fully expect to wake up and find Tom and Katie spiriting me off to Room 101 for some "correction."

Pix- isn't he? He's got the skin of a milkmaid. I'd love to know what products he uses.

PK- you're back!!!!

I bet Xenu is visualizing world domination right now. We are all screwed.

Jenster said...

OMG! I had no idea this stuff was really going on! I mean, if it's on a blog then it must be true!

I'll have to stay tuned because information is power.

Thanks for the enlightening.

Frannie Farmer said...

Someone seriously needs to b*tchslap Madonna ... anywho.
Wait - are you now carryin' Tom & Katie's son? They want it delivered by April 18th you know - they don't wanan be outdone by Britney's two in a year gig ...
Get to work girl.

PS - did Evil Pru get my necklace? I am waiting to see if I should attempt to get it the honest way - you know; buy it, put it in a drawer, take it out in a few months and then tell Mr. Farmer this old thing, I've had it for ages!

Ryan said...

WTF, Cillian Murphy came out of nowhere. This was too funny. Yes, Madonna has gotten out of control with her adoption of the English accent.

OMG that baby you are carrying actually has to stay in longer than 9 months. Don't you remember that Katie seemed like she was pregnant for years. I think that the Xenu babies have to incubate a little longer than the average baby.

Cassie said...
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prunella jones said...

Jen- 100% true...ly from my imagination.

Fran- oh yeah, she did swipe it for you but then she decided to keep it for herself. Sorry, you know how she is.

Ryan- carrying a pillow around for 14 months is going to be really annoying.

Sudiegirl said...

Hey now...don't be pickin' on Cillian! He's hot hot hot.

However, you may antagonize Madonna as much as you like.

Smooches!