Thursday, July 30, 2009

He Who Breaks The Law Goes Back To The House Of Pain

Okay, just so you know, I'm not much of an entertainer. I'd usually rather go out (that way I don't have to clean up my house!) but since Mr. Condescending tagged me with this post I guess I can shovel a clear path through the house so everyone can squeeze in. C'mon in!

I was just teasing about the house of pain thing. It is not in effect at this time.
Although, please don't open any closet doors, okay? You may get hurt in the resulting avalanche.

Say hi to my dog Shirley. She's a dopey beagle with skin problems and very bad breath but she loves people. If you pet her head she will happily jump in your lap and stare at you with big goony lovesick eyes all night.

I'm afraid my bookshelves aren't terribly impressive, even though I do have tons of books. It's just that most of them are scattered around the house or shoved under the bed. I'm not very organized and my shelves end up crowded with the weird stuff that I collect, like hands and pictures of KISS. Oh, and dust. Lots of dust. Hope you're not allergic. I'd rather not collect that, but you is too short to worry about a little dust. We only have till December 23, 2012 after all. That's what it said on the History Channel anyway. Let's live, baby!

If you need a Kleenex they're on the counter top. Aaaa chooo!

When it comes to books, I definitely prefer non-fiction, especially trivia and history and biographies about weird people. If you like them, I've got a big stack of those Uncle John's Bathroom Readers you can browse through. They're on top of the toilet tank in that little bathroom to your left. Yeah, I keep meaning to get shelves in there.

As long as your in the bathroom you should check out the window ledge. See what's on it? Can you guess what that is?

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That's right, it's a lady bug graveyard. Good guess!

I know it's weird (and a little morbid) that there are dead ladybugs in the window but let me explain. You see, for some reason ladybugs love that bathroom. They flock to it in swarms, especially in the colder months and then they die. Seriously, I'm forever sweeping up their tiny corpses. It puzzled me until I realized that my bathroom must be their version of Heaven or Nirvana or whatnot. Maybe they send their old and decrepit over here to die, sort of like when elderly Eskimos used to head out to the ice to kick the bucket. So that's why the graveyard stays. Who am I to mess with their great and ancient wisdom? Plus, cleaning is a bore.

Now, what's next? Oh yes, DVDs. I actually don't own a whole lot of DVDs. Usually I just rent them. Oh wait, I do own Season 1 of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. We can watch that if you'd like. Have you ever seen it? It's completely insane and therefore highly recommended.

Wanna do some crafts while we watch? Grab the hot glue gun and that bowl of fake eyes, I'll get the old magazines, collage scissors and barbie doll legs, and let's see what we come up with. Or if you'd rather paint, you can finish up this angel plaque.

I think some blood drops around the green one's mouth would look good. Also some evil eyebrows, but paint it however you want. Surprise me.

Are you getting hungry? Yeah, me too. I'm not much of a cook though. I only have two cookbooks. These two.

We could try that recipe for Cooter Stew I suppose. Maybe the Lima Bean Casserole? No? I know, how about an Elvis Sandwich? Had one before? They're great and really easy. Just slather peanut butter, bacon, and bananas between two pieces of bread and fry the whole thing in butter. Fabulous!

Or we could just order a pizza. Whatevs.

Sorry there's no alcohol in the house. Well, there might be a bottle of Grinder's Switch Sweet Table Wine that my mom brought back from Minnie Pearl's house, but believe me you won't like it. It tastes like warm Hawaiian Punch sweetened with an additional 50 cups of sugar. Ugh.

I don't usually keep alcohol around because I tend to guzzle it down immediately after purchase. Don't worry though, I just called my best friend Paula Abdul and she said she'll run by the wine store on her way over. Knowing Paula, she'll be bringing some Vicodin along too. If she does I'll make us up a little drink I like to call The Dr. House Cocktail. Here is the recipe:

First, chop up a Vicodin or 10 into very fine powder. Combine with diet Coke or juice or whatever. Stir. Add a cherry. Guzzle.

Cheers! Paula loves this one. I'm pretty fond of it too, altho I don't usually bother with the diet coke part.

Say, did I ever email you that article about Nutmeg? You know, the one that said eating Nutmeg can get you hella stoned? Click here if you want to read it.

I've actually made the recipe for "Space Paste" a couple of times now and you'll be pleased to know it actually works pretty good. Here have a bite. Tasty, huh? A couple of tablespoons is all you need to get nice and spacey. Careful not to eat too much. The first time I tried this I ate A LOT and got so stoned I could barely move for hours. It was fun though. Here's the recipe.

Space Paste

4 part*s nutmeg (ground from whole nutmeg)
4 parts almonds (soak overnight and rinse)
4 parts raw pistachios
2 parts cinnamon
1 part cumin
1 part tarragon
1 part oregano
1 part basil
1 part turmeric
1/2 part cayenne pepper
1/2 part black pepper
maple syrup (to taste)

*One "part" equals a tablespoon.

See, nothing illegal in there. But like I said, be careful with it. This stuff is powerful! Last time Paula and I got pasted, I woke up naked in the bathtub covered in gold glitter.

I'm not sure what happened exactly. It's not unusual for me to get naked and I seem to recall us placing a prank call to Simon Cowell, but that's about it. Where the glitter came into things I couldn't tell you. Most of the pictures I took from that night turned out blurry except for this one.

I dedicate this picture to Dr. Zibbs. Kiss, kiss.

You guys don't have to go already, do you? The night is young. I thought maybe we could watch some Cartoon Network, or have a yodeling contest. Or hey, how about let's get out the Ouija board and contact the dead?

Come on, don't be scared. It's not dangerous. I haven't been possessed in ages. Captain Howdy swears he won't do that again. Anyway, there's holy water in the cabinet if he does. Now put your fingers on the planchette so we can ask a question.

Ready? Okay, let me's one. Oh Great and Mighty Spirits, will my internet friends ever want to come visit me again?

Sweet, it's moving....H...E...L...Wha?...L....N.............O.


Oh well, can't say I blame you. Next time we'll go out.


JennyMac said...

Great tour..we have ladybug graveyard in this office too! But they are good luck and hopefully that extends to ladybug angel version too. Oh, the best part of the tour was Shirley's bunny ear couture. And lovesick goony eyes are all the rage.

diane said...

That was the most fun virtual tour I've been on so far, my hero!
I don't respect the graveyard lady bugs. Dead or alive, I vacuum them up.
I'm so glad your dog is not a poker, like that mutant poodle I read about. The eye contact is weirding me out though.
Do you have anymore of that paste left, cause mine is all gone and I'm starting to get the shakes.
Your zombie angel thing rocks. xo

Eric said...

I like only Gooollddd glitter...

Seriously, nice book selection.

xl said...

I gave the White Trash cookbook to my sister one year as a Christmas present. She didn't think it was as funny as I did.

Mr. Condescending said...

Lol white trash cookbook!

That space paste sounds like that might be the reason those ladybugs are dying?

I might have to test that stuff out once I get a lover!

Dr Zibbs said...

I've seen that white trash cook book and I love that cover.

And thanks for the dedicated picture.

Lookin' gooooood.

John Smith said...

Well, I guess I will have to kill dr zibbs, then.

I like the idea that you are the ladybug god, and that they commend themselves to your care. Perhaps their little ladybug souls will fly you up to heaven when you go to your reward. Then you will fire up the death rays and storm the gates of heaven and force god to make pot legal.

I tried the nutmeg thing and I felt like I was poisoned. Of course the second I took it I read up on how it worked and realized someone who takes all the stuff I do could actually die from nutmeg. Who'd have thought it could be so powerful? Actually a lot of herbs have a really strong effect but it's hard to know at what point they are becoming dangerous.

Dr Zibbs said...

And I just tweeted this too.

WendyB said...

When do I get a nekkid picture dedication?

jeremy said...

looks like your bathroom is pretty cold.

Prunella Jones said...

JennyMac- too bad Shirley won't pose so you could see her eyes. I try all the time but all I get is a pic of her nose and maybe tongue as she tries to lick the camera.

Diane- there is some paste left, now where did I put it?

Oh no! It looks like my mom sprinkled it in her chocolate pudding and is eating it. She said it's a little spicey but good. Should I tell her? I should, right? A good daughter would.


Eric- all that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it's Hello Kitty Body Sparkle.

XL- what's her problem? That's a great gift.

I tag you with this meme, XL. I wanna see your house.

Mr. C- my friend Paula is single and she loves the paste. And you all thought she was just drunk on "Idol." Heh heh.

Zibbs- I know you get dizzy if you go to long without seeing a blogger's nipples. Glad to help.

John- I know, I didn't really think Nutmeg could possibly do anything but, wow, does it ever. Also, you need to go into it with a relaxed attitude. Being anxious would give one a bad experience I'd think. It's like a very, very mild and mellow acid trip.

I am Prunella, Supreme Goddess of Dead Ladybugs. How's it goin'?

Prunella Jones said...

Wendy- Is next week good for you? I'll try to include fashionable shoes.

Jeremy- what makes you think that I wonder?

Princess of the Universe said...

Is cherry coke with the vicodin redundant if you're already adding a cherry? If not, I just picked up two cases and will be right over...


Rebecca said...

I thought that said " of palin" in the title

Fancy Schmancy said...

I don't really care if you can cook or not, show me an evening like you showed our Paula-girl and I'm there! But, please, no pictures. Zibbs can only handle so much, you know, before the Z'ego goes into outer space!

Andrew Rodriguez said...

Thanks for the tour, although you make no mention of a gift shop at the end of the tour, I usally like to pick up a t-shirt, a refridgerator magnet and a shot glass....:)

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I'll Come Over!!!

Bill Stankus said...

So, Chinese, Thai or Tex-Mex .. me, I'm partial to lettuce, radishes and plenty of salsa. Still, if the salmon or halibut is prepared correctly, I'm so there. You better come here, I know the restaurants in Seattle. You do consume large quantities of wine don't you? I usually order wine without a paper bag, hope that's OK with you.

erin said...

Everyone's virtual tours are so much better than mine!


I just have a bunch of books and kids. That sums up my whole life.

Wait, that doesn't sounds all that bad. Books are great, and kids are awesome...when they're sleeping or at their dads house... (ha)

Angie said...

wow---I am exhausted, that was a good trip. Please submit something to

Lostinspace said...

Hey, Can I borrow those two books, "Rats Lice and History" and "Molvania, A Place Untouched by Modern Dentistry"? You do have some interesting titees. Titles, I mean titles. Sorry.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I love the ladybug graveyard!!

So sweet Pru. You must be super lucky.

As for you and your BFF Paula, can you talk her into dedicating a naked pic of herself to Zibbs too!

It would make his ding dang day!!

xl said...

I will attempt the meme as a post. Failing that, I will send it to you as an e-mail instead. OK?

Prunella Jones said...

Princess- I would say no, the more cherries the better.

Rebecca- bwahahaha, I love it!

Fancy- oh come on, we need one pic at least to taunt Zibbs with.

Andrew- a gift shop, eh? Great idea. I think I will go to CafePress and print up a bunch of thongs with pictures of my pussy on them. And by pussy I mean my cat Jackie Waffles, of course.

Ron- was that you scratching around at the back door last night? You scared my mom. She thinks we have raccoons now.

Bill- I pick Thai food. And I suppose I can forgo the paper bag wine if you insist, but you're paying.

Erin- books are great, aren't they? And kids...well, I like kids. As long as they can wipe their own butt, that is. Poopy diapers make me hurl. I'm a wimp like that.

Angie- thank you, I will. (rubs hands together gleefully) Prepare to be bombarded with horrible poetry!

Lost in Space- so you like my boobs? Wait...books, I meant to say books.

Candy- Paula is very prudish about getting naked, unfortunately. If I ever do persuade her I will def send Zibbs a pic. Right after I sell it to the National Enquirer.

XL- sounds good.

Girl Interrupted said...

I want to come over, try some of that space paste and freak myself out by staring at the cherubs and dismembered hands!

Also, please can you flash your boobies at LostinSpace to create a diversion whilst I get my hands on that "Rats, Lice and History" book? I promise not to get glitter on it.

Cora said...

Yeah, I'm with Diane - this was the best virtual dinner party EVER! Way to set the bar, Pru!

Christ, I was actually thinking of doing this tag too (once I kick this asstacular cold) but now I dunno.... Stiff competition.... And now boobies will be expected.... Better double think it.

honkeie2 said...

Love the tour! But if it isnt unusual for you to be naked why i havent I seen more pictures of you naked? Maybe it is time to stalk by your bathroom window....

Prunella Jones said...

Girl - c'mon over and get pasted with me and Paula! There's plenty of glitter to go around.

The Rats book is a bit on the dry and scholarly side, but it's still an interesting read and very - almost too -informative. It'll give you nightmares.

Cora - do the tag, do the tag! Don't worry, boobs are only expected if you work at a place called Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits like me. Since you don't, you're off the hook.

Of course, if you ever want to flash them...Earl's is always hiring. A cute redhead like you could make some bank.

Honk - it's getting kinda crowded outside my bedroom window, but if you can find a space you're welcome to peep. Say hello to Ron and John while your there.