Thursday, July 30, 2009
He Who Breaks The Law Goes Back To The House Of Pain
Okay, just so you know, I'm not much of an entertainer. I'd usually rather go out (that way I don't have to clean up my house!) but since Mr. Condescending tagged me with this post I guess I can shovel a clear path through the house so everyone can squeeze in. C'mon in!
I was just teasing about the house of pain thing. It is not in effect at this time.
Although, please don't open any closet doors, okay? You may get hurt in the resulting avalanche.
Say hi to my dog Shirley. She's a dopey beagle with skin problems and very bad breath but she loves people. If you pet her head she will happily jump in your lap and stare at you with big goony lovesick eyes all night.
I'm afraid my bookshelves aren't terribly impressive, even though I do have tons of books. It's just that most of them are scattered around the house or shoved under the bed. I'm not very organized and my shelves end up crowded with the weird stuff that I collect, like hands and pictures of KISS. Oh, and dust. Lots of dust. Hope you're not allergic. I'd rather not collect that, but you know...life is too short to worry about a little dust. We only have till December 23, 2012 after all. That's what it said on the History Channel anyway. Let's live, baby!
If you need a Kleenex they're on the counter top. Aaaa chooo!
When it comes to books, I definitely prefer non-fiction, especially trivia and history and biographies about weird people. If you like them, I've got a big stack of those Uncle John's Bathroom Readers you can browse through. They're on top of the toilet tank in that little bathroom to your left. Yeah, I keep meaning to get shelves in there.
As long as your in the bathroom you should check out the window ledge. See what's on it? Can you guess what that is?
That's right, it's a lady bug graveyard. Good guess!
I know it's weird (and a little morbid) that there are dead ladybugs in the window but let me explain. You see, for some reason ladybugs love that bathroom. They flock to it in swarms, especially in the colder months and then they die. Seriously, I'm forever sweeping up their tiny corpses. It puzzled me until I realized that my bathroom must be their version of Heaven or Nirvana or whatnot. Maybe they send their old and decrepit over here to die, sort of like when elderly Eskimos used to head out to the ice to kick the bucket. So that's why the graveyard stays. Who am I to mess with their great and ancient wisdom? Plus, cleaning is a bore.
Now, what's next? Oh yes, DVDs. I actually don't own a whole lot of DVDs. Usually I just rent them. Oh wait, I do own Season 1 of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. We can watch that if you'd like. Have you ever seen it? It's completely insane and therefore highly recommended.
Wanna do some crafts while we watch? Grab the hot glue gun and that bowl of fake eyes, I'll get the old magazines, collage scissors and barbie doll legs, and let's see what we come up with. Or if you'd rather paint, you can finish up this angel plaque.
I think some blood drops around the green one's mouth would look good. Also some evil eyebrows, but paint it however you want. Surprise me.
Are you getting hungry? Yeah, me too. I'm not much of a cook though. I only have two cookbooks. These two.
We could try that recipe for Cooter Stew I suppose. Maybe the Lima Bean Casserole? No? I know, how about an Elvis Sandwich? Had one before? They're great and really easy. Just slather peanut butter, bacon, and bananas between two pieces of bread and fry the whole thing in butter. Fabulous!
Or we could just order a pizza. Whatevs.
Sorry there's no alcohol in the house. Well, there might be a bottle of Grinder's Switch Sweet Table Wine that my mom brought back from Minnie Pearl's house, but believe me you won't like it. It tastes like warm Hawaiian Punch sweetened with an additional 50 cups of sugar. Ugh.
I don't usually keep alcohol around because I tend to guzzle it down immediately after purchase. Don't worry though, I just called my best friend Paula Abdul and she said she'll run by the wine store on her way over. Knowing Paula, she'll be bringing some Vicodin along too. If she does I'll make us up a little drink I like to call The Dr. House Cocktail. Here is the recipe:
First, chop up a Vicodin or 10 into very fine powder. Combine with diet Coke or juice or whatever. Stir. Add a cherry. Guzzle.
Cheers! Paula loves this one. I'm pretty fond of it too, altho I don't usually bother with the diet coke part.
Say, did I ever email you that article about Nutmeg? You know, the one that said eating Nutmeg can get you hella stoned? Click here if you want to read it.
I've actually made the recipe for "Space Paste" a couple of times now and you'll be pleased to know it actually works pretty good. Here have a bite. Tasty, huh? A couple of tablespoons is all you need to get nice and spacey. Careful not to eat too much. The first time I tried this I ate A LOT and got so stoned I could barely move for hours. It was fun though. Here's the recipe.
4 part*s nutmeg (ground from whole nutmeg)
4 parts almonds (soak overnight and rinse)
4 parts raw pistachios
2 parts cinnamon
1 part cumin
1 part tarragon
1 part oregano
1 part basil
1 part turmeric
1/2 part cayenne pepper
1/2 part black pepper
maple syrup (to taste)
*One "part" equals a tablespoon.
See, nothing illegal in there. But like I said, be careful with it. This stuff is powerful! Last time Paula and I got pasted, I woke up naked in the bathtub covered in gold glitter.
I'm not sure what happened exactly. It's not unusual for me to get naked and I seem to recall us placing a prank call to Simon Cowell, but that's about it. Where the glitter came into things I couldn't tell you. Most of the pictures I took from that night turned out blurry except for this one.
I dedicate this picture to Dr. Zibbs. Kiss, kiss.
You guys don't have to go already, do you? The night is young. I thought maybe we could watch some Cartoon Network, or have a yodeling contest. Or hey, how about let's get out the Ouija board and contact the dead?
Come on, don't be scared. It's not dangerous. I haven't been possessed in ages. Captain Howdy swears he won't do that again. Anyway, there's holy water in the cabinet if he does. Now put your fingers on the planchette so we can ask a question.
Ready? Okay, let me think....um...here's one. Oh Great and Mighty Spirits, will my internet friends ever want to come visit me again?
Sweet, it's moving....H...E...L...Wha?...L....N.............O.
Oh well, can't say I blame you. Next time we'll go out.