Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Sarah Palin Story

Sarah Palin resigned on Friday.

And in other news, I've just been handed a bowl of Schadenfreude Stew and doggone if it isn't yummy. Mmmm mmm!

As you probably know, I've never been a fan of the former vice presidential candidate. Sheesh, I wouldn't want her running the local animal shelter, much less the country since she's both completely malicious and an idiot which are the worst possible qualities for any person in a leadership position to have. So whew, good riddance and please stay out of office for good, biatch!

That said, I am a big, big fan of Sarah Palin as a public figure.


What can I say, I find train wrecks fascinating and hers just goes on and on and on providing laughs every step of the way.

I also love her because she's totally the kind of over-the-top character I'd make up for one of my ridiculous short stories. It's still kinda hard for me to believe that she's an actual real person. I mean, a fundamentalist Christian rube from Alaska who looks like a sexy version of Peggy Hill and happens to be batshit crazy? A Creationist who believes we are living in "end times" and that witchcraft is a very real threat? A working mom of five unwilling to support reproductive rights or equal pay for women? A rugged, conservative, Pull-Yourself-Up-By-the-Bootstraps kind of gal who does nothing but whine and cry about the mean ol' liberul media picking on her? Really? This person was actually elected to a public office?

(BTW, if I were writing her dialogue in the story she'd be saying stuff like, "Damn that pesky free speech! Why does God allow it? Dear Heavenly Father, please kill Katie Couric immediately! Oh and as well also, could ya put an icepick in David Letterman? In the guts, thanks.")

Oh yeah, and let's not forget about her family. I adore them! They are straight out of a white trash soap opera, or maybe a William Faulkner novel. We're talking Southern Gothic on ice, complete with a scheming secessionist husband, a knocked-up underage daughter, and a dim-witted bohunk of a grandbaby daddy whose mother is apparently the meth queen of Wasilla. All that's missing is a drunken albino but I bet you wouldn't have to shake too many branches to find one somewhere in that family tree. The National Enquirer should really look into it.

If this tantalizing cast of characters wasn't enough, you also get to add in the rabid base of churchy mouth-breather's who absolutely worship the ground she walks on and dream excitedly of the day in 2012 when she'll win the presidency and turn America into the United States of Jesusland.

Forget about pit bulls, Sarah Palin is a week's worth of Jerry Springer episodes in lipstick.

Wow, truth really is stranger than fiction, isn't it? She outdoes even my overheated imagination. I am freaking impressed.

So now you've got to wonder - at least I do - why in the world would such a power hungry drama queen willingly resign her post at this point in the saga? Because, sorry but there is no way it's to protect her kids from the mean ol' lie spreadin' bloggers. She loves media attention and thrives on playing the victim.

Ah, the plot thickens...

Is she on meth here or speaking in tongues?

I've watched this a couple of times and I'm still not clear why she resigned, are you? Because the voices told her to would be my logical guess, but again if I were writing this as a potboiler I'd make it into something far, far juicier. It really needs to be, don't you think? After all, Dick Cheney shot someone in the face and never even considered quitting for a moment. So what did Sarah do, hmmmmm?

Possible Theories:

1. Sarah's going to rehab for meth and botox addiction.

2. Preparing for the Rapture.

3. Pregnant with triplets by that hawt stud Governor Mark Sanford.

4. Flying off on a magic broomstick to Oz to gather an army of flying monkeys in order to destroy her enemies.

5. Todd was caught having a gay sex weekend with some hairy leather daddies.

6. A psychic told her she'd be president in 2012 so why bother doin' this boring ol' yucky job till then?

7. Something involving stolen tax payer money, bribery, corruption, and moose semen.

Mark my words, it's going to turn out to be one of the above. Possibly all of them.

What a page turner!


ammonite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lulu LaBonne said...


Sarah's great comedy - wonderful for the Democrats, you people are so lucky. We've just got Boris Johnson.

Dedene said...

Prunella, your post made me appreciate how much I do love living outside the U.S.!!!

erin said...

oh! 5! It HAS to be 5!
I had been thinking of all the funny things I could say about her resignation at all the fourth of july picnics we were going to, but that one never crossed my mind! Pure genius!

John Smith said...

The very funniest thing to come out of the campaign was all the hatred even the other republicans had for her. At one point just after visiting alaska, Palin and Senator Palpatine were bored and decided to play 21 questions. Palpatine couldn't think of anything good so he just went with what kept popping into his mind since visiting alaska - moose cock. Palin asks if it's bigger than a breadbox and he thinks a minute and says he thinks so. Then she asks if you can eat it. He thinks again for a minute then says he supposed you could. She winks a few times while rubbing her chin then finally says "Is it Moose Cock?"

WendyB said...

My voices only ever tell me to eat more candy.

xl said...

I can't decide if Palin will play out like The Terminator's "I'll be back."

diane said...

She really is very chatty, isn't she? I bet her "other scale" of government is the Alaskan Mafia. That is, if they don't do away with her first just to shut her up.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I'm thinking a combination of 5 and 7.... yes most certainly!!

Bill Stankus said...

Look, the reason she resigned, tossed in the towel, quit, bailed is quite simple.

Oh, was I supposed to write why she tanked it?

All This Trouble... said...

Oohhhhhh....Pru. How fascinating! So many choices...

LegalMist said...

She really does babble incoherently, doesn't she? I am thankful every day that we don't have to listen to her on prime time. 8 years of Bush's incoherent ramblings was enough for me, thank you very much!

words...words...words... said...

I really think she'd just had it with the media scrutiny and the way it included her whole family. Regardless of the truth of the matter, if we were in that position I'm sure we'd all think it was unwarranted. And I think she saw the handwriting on the wall for 2012. Hanging around would be worth it for the nomination, but she had to know that wasn't going to happen.

Krissyface said...

It's because she killed Michael Jackson (with too much Jesus Juice).

Lostinspace said...

"A sexy version of Peggy Hill" That's rich. I gave up trying to make sense of that woman last year. Gonna have to wait for the Lifetime Special.

Cora said...

Peggy Hill! Ha ha ha!

I think she's just taking time off to read a newspaper or two just so she can say "nanny nanny boo-boo" to Katie Couric.

John Smith said...

Oh, and as for the reason, my theor is that she's having too much trouble keeping her true identity as a christian superhero under wraps. Fighting the evil forces of wicca, abortion and a-rabism doesn't give her the time she needs to do much governating, anyway.

WendyB said...

OT but are you speaking in "pirate" over on my Francis blog? LOL.

Prunella Jones said...


Prunella Jones said...

Oh man, I just watched the vid again. I love this quote of hers,

"I'm not going to take the comfortable path. I'm going to take the right path for the state,"

So the right path for the state is for you not to have any part in running it? LOL, can't wait to repeat that back to my looney republican relatives at the family reunion next week!

Although my very favorite part about her resignation speech is the ducks in the background. Quack quack quack!

Eric said...

She is over the top, you betcha.
ps - girls that speak pirate-y are sexy, look out Geena Davis, lol.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

In a perfect world she will fade off into the sunset never to be heard from betcha!

I doubt we will be that lucky.

Diane said...

Book deal and Fox "news" lead anchor is my guess.

Girl Interrupted said...

I love it when you rant about "La Palin"

The UK press say it's because she's just signed a very lucrative book deal ... but I really, really want it to be #1-7

honkeie2 said...

Ignorance is bliss and she is living proof that Jesus was white and smelled of Irish Spring soap.