Thursday, July 02, 2009

I'll Be Your Honky Tonk Angel

Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person in Nashville who hasn't recorded an album of songs.

Seriously, from bagboys at the Kroger to the guy at H&R Block who did my taxes, everyone around here has their own CD which is destined to hit number one on the music charts just as soon as the right producer hears it.

That's what they tell you anyway when asking if you know anybody in the business. No? Give it a spin anyway. Here take a couple, they make great gifts!

No surprise, since this is Music City USA and all. Still, I'm jealous. I want my own CD to badger friends and acquaintances with too!

Although, to be honest I'm not particularly musical. I can't really play any instruments or write songs and I'm a horrible singer but so what? Did that stop Britney Spears? Madonna? Miley "Gigantic Gums" Cyrus? Hell no! Why should it stop me? I'll just let the audio guys work their studio magic on my voice like they do while I concentrate on looking hawt and designing my album cover. I have loads of ideas.

Like, ever since I spotted this on one of those Top Ten Worst Album Covers lists, I've been slightly obsessed with Joyce.


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I mean, are they crazy? Why was this one included in "worst" list? It's fantastic! I only wish I owned it and could listen to it daily. It doesn't say what type of music Joyce is singing but I'd like to think it's a little bit country, a little bit religious, and a whole lotta rock-n-roll. You know its got to rock. Sometimes when bored, I imagine the type of song titles that would be listed on the back cover (which IMO should feature both a rainbow and a unicorn wearing a wig). Can't you picture her singing something along these lines?


Crazy Cat Lady Blues

My Jesus Box Tingles (whenever I think of Him)

Dear God, Please Make the Voices Stop

Sausages!


and of course the dance/rap mix My Name is Joyce, bitches!




Gawd, Joyce is so hawt. I'm totally ripping her off for my own album cover design. Here are a couple with the titles. Tell me what you think.




yo



Would it be Restraining Order Free or Restraining Order-free? I'm so bad at grammar and spelling. Maybe "Grammatically Challenged" would be a better title?




p



That should read "Accidental Porn Star From Outer Space." Stupid Blingee sign getting in the way!



u



Don't you love the way the moon really brings out the 50 cent sticker in the corner.





yar



Yarr!


I'll stop at four for now, but lemme tell ya I can (and often do) waste hours and hours every day designing the perfect cover. Writing the actual songs is not quite as much fun but I do have a few so far:


1. Blond in the Brains

2. Escape to Poodle Mountain
(this one is a ballad)

3. High on Life and Computer Duster

4. I Have a Knife In My Purse
(an electronic dance mix where I just repeat the words "I have a knife in my purse and I'll cut you up!" over and over above the funky beat. Sweet, huh?)

5. My Pee Smells Like Asparagus

6. Shootin' Rats At The Landfill With Pop
(a totally syrupy country tearjerker)

7. I Know There's No Such Thing As A Sausage Tree (but oh how I wish there was!)



That last one is pretty self explanatory, I think.

So there you go, as soon as I raise the recording fee and write a few more songs my CD will be as good as done. Look for it at a blog near you. Make sure to get several, it's bound to race up the charts as soon as the right producer gets an earful.

Does anyone happen to know Timbaland?

17 comments:

John Smith said...

I really like the "I have a knife in my purse and I'm going to cut you." one, but you could really use some more references to drugs and dr seuss and more nekkidness on the album covers.

My mom's garey buseyesque live in handy man/lover spent about 2 hours today trying to convince me a tiny pot plant on the kitchen table was a 'bouganvilla'. Maybe I will snatch some cuttings from that sucker and graft them to my grape vines.

Mr. Condescending said...

omygod I want the one with the eye! I would buy your album in a second pru!

xl said...

If Nashville doesn't pan out, move to Austin, stay loaded on pot, and break into the business from here. Worked for Willie Nelson!

Cora said...

Blingee is addictive, isn't it? Hee hee. Love the one with the roving eye, Pru!!

Cora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lostinspace said...

You're selling yourself short, Pru. I'd pay at least a dollar, especially to have "Escape to Poodle Mountain" on my ipod.
Funny thing about Nashville, I was there last spring, saw lots of music business buildings, but no music.

diane said...

I love all of these, but the one with the flying saucer is my fav. I think Joyce looks like Bob Newhart's secretary.
Your song titles are sheer genius, you should get them copyrighted before someone steals them.

Dr Zibbs said...

Friggin great!!

I love you.

Prunella Jones said...

John - ooo cannabis grapes? Think of the wine that would make. Damn, that is a million dollar idea right there!

Mr. C - oh good, now I just need to sell another 999,999 to go gold!

XL- true, but he had some help from his magic beard as well.

Cora- you are indeed correct, my good lady. Blingee is damn fun.

LostinSpace- the cops make the street musicians move along often. I'm also convinced they also buy the homeless bus tickets to Memphis, because we just dont have any here.

Diane- Joyce looks really lovable, doesn't she? She is rockin the 'fro hard just like Marcia Wallace.

Zibbs - my milkshake brings all the boys to the blog.

Bill Stankus said...

You need a gimmick to make in the BIG TIME. Saaay,, do you have a glass eye? Maybe a wart in the shape of Jesus (you are in Bible Country USA)?

Have you any gunshot wounds? Toured with Bob Hope? Married Michael Jackson?

Think, c'mon think - there must be some weird thing about you we can exploit.

WendyB said...

Joyce is my new idol.

words...words...words... said...

I can't see any of the pictures except for Joyce, but I must say, when I saw her I expected to see Will Ferrell at her side a hippin and a hoppin.

John Smith said...

PS joyce is exactly how I envision your mom.

Girl Interrupted said...

Woah!

I think Joyce is Richard Clayderman's psychoanalyst ... there's no way she's singing country, she's gotta be a strictly ballads kinda gal.

Pru, you're a little bit country, you're a little bit rock n roll and you're a big bunch of awesome.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I think "I have a knife in my purse" should also have the refrain "That's right, I'll cut you bitch, I'll cut you bitch". Now that is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Prunella Jones said...

Bill- hmmmm, well I can yodel pretty good and I've got great tits and the ability to babble in tongues. any of that good enough? If not, I can always become a Scientologist.

WendyB- as she should be. Even a fashionable gal like yourself could learn a thing or two from the trendsetter that is Joyce.

Words- oh that's a bummer that you can't see the pics. I wonder why? Will Ferrel would be a good husband for her. Can you imagine the curliness of their children?

John- now that you mention it, my mom did once have a curly perm and glasses like that in the early 80s.

Girl- thank you, GI! I may steal that last line to put in my theme song.

Fancy- LOL, you have such a way with a comment! I like the way you think.

mr_g said...

Love the album covers and the titles. If you need another, I wrote a country song a few years ago called, "Found a Condom in her Wallet Now My Soldier Won't Salute". G'head and cover it, maybe I'll finally get on a CD too!