Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person in Nashville who hasn't recorded an album of songs.
Seriously, from bagboys at the Kroger to the guy at H&R Block who did my taxes, everyone around here has their own CD which is destined to hit number one on the music charts just as soon as the right producer hears it.
That's what they tell you anyway when asking if you know anybody in the business. No? Give it a spin anyway. Here take a couple, they make great gifts!
No surprise, since this is Music City USA and all. Still, I'm jealous. I want my own CD to badger friends and acquaintances with too!
Although, to be honest I'm not particularly musical. I can't really play any instruments or write songs and I'm a horrible singer but so what? Did that stop Britney Spears? Madonna? Miley "Gigantic Gums" Cyrus? Hell no! Why should it stop me? I'll just let the audio guys work their studio magic on my voice like they do while I concentrate on looking hawt and designing my album cover. I have loads of ideas.
Like, ever since I spotted this on one of those Top Ten Worst Album Covers lists, I've been slightly obsessed with Joyce.
I mean, are they crazy? Why was this one included in "worst" list? It's fantastic! I only wish I owned it and could listen to it daily. It doesn't say what type of music Joyce is singing but I'd like to think it's a little bit country, a little bit religious, and a whole lotta rock-n-roll. You know its got to rock. Sometimes when bored, I imagine the type of song titles that would be listed on the back cover (which IMO should feature both a rainbow and a unicorn wearing a wig). Can't you picture her singing something along these lines?
Crazy Cat Lady Blues
My Jesus Box Tingles (whenever I think of Him)
Dear God, Please Make the Voices Stop
and of course the dance/rap mix My Name is Joyce, bitches!
Gawd, Joyce is so hawt. I'm totally ripping her off for my own album cover design. Here are a couple with the titles. Tell me what you think.
Would it be Restraining Order Free or Restraining Order-free? I'm so bad at grammar and spelling. Maybe "Grammatically Challenged" would be a better title?
That should read "Accidental Porn Star From Outer Space." Stupid Blingee sign getting in the way!
Don't you love the way the moon really brings out the 50 cent sticker in the corner.
I'll stop at four for now, but lemme tell ya I can (and often do) waste hours and hours every day designing the perfect cover. Writing the actual songs is not quite as much fun but I do have a few so far:
1. Blond in the Brains
2. Escape to Poodle Mountain (this one is a ballad)
3. High on Life and Computer Duster
4. I Have a Knife In My Purse (an electronic dance mix where I just repeat the words "I have a knife in my purse and I'll cut you up!" over and over above the funky beat. Sweet, huh?)
5. My Pee Smells Like Asparagus
6. Shootin' Rats At The Landfill With Pop (a totally syrupy country tearjerker)
7. I Know There's No Such Thing As A Sausage Tree (but oh how I wish there was!)
That last one is pretty self explanatory, I think.
So there you go, as soon as I raise the recording fee and write a few more songs my CD will be as good as done. Look for it at a blog near you. Make sure to get several, it's bound to race up the charts as soon as the right producer gets an earful.
Does anyone happen to know Timbaland?