Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I Just Called To Say - FLUSH

Here's a couple of questions for you: Do you talk on your cell phone while going to the bathroom? Have you ever received a call from someone that you could tell was in the middle of taking a dump?

Tell the truth now, have you?

I would bet that at least one of you will say yes, as this is something that seems to be becoming more and more acceptable. Almost every time I pop into a public restroom lately I notice someone jabbering away on a phone while toilets flush noisily around them.

Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom at Target behind a lady who chattering away on her cell about the televised Michael Jackson memorial. I chose the stall next to her so I could continue to eavesdrop on her conversation while I peed. It went something like this:

"Oh, I know. Janet was looking good, wasn't she? My girl was fierce!"

splashy pee sounds that went on for at least a minute

"Mmmmhmmmm mmmmhmmmm. I know that's right."

small fart

"I know! Wasn't that sad? When Paris was crying for her daddy I burst into tears too."

(grunting noises)

"No, really? What did they say?"

This was said a little breathlessly. You could tell she was straining to get a turd out.

"Awww, that is so sweet. Bless her heart, bless her heart."

A big plop as the turd hit the water, followed by a satisfying splash.


At this point I lost it and started laughing. The woman did not miss a beat and kept going with her jabber, apparently dexterous enough to wipe her ass and pull up her pants with one hand while holding the phone with the other. Then she shamelessly flushed and banged out of the stall, while discussing whether or not Brooke Shields had a facelift.

It was really quite impressive.

You know, I don't think anyone has ever called me while taking a crap. Not to my knowledge anyway. If they did, they were pretty quiet about it because if I even suspected they were pooping, I'd say something like, "Hey! Are you pooping? Did you really want to talk to me so bad that you couldn't wait till you were finished grinding one out?"

If you think about it that way, it's strangely flattering. Maybe. Otherwise....eeeeew.


Once I overheard a chick in the bathroom at my gym arguing with someone - probably a guy - on the phone. (Assuming she wasn't talking to the voices in her head.) The place reeked and I certainly didn't add to the freshness as I'd just drunk a large coffee and had a case of the caffeine squirts. I doubt she noticed though, since it sounded like she was in the middle of a teary breakup.

"I know you love me," she hissed from inside her stall. "Yes, you do! Don't say that!"

I wondered what he said? Probably something like, "No, I don't love you, quit calling me", but I'd like to imagine it was,

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit!"

Bwahahahahahaha

Oh, how I wish I could release deafening farts at will! I'd have squeezed out a few firecracker-like booms right then for her friend to enjoy. Wouldn't that have really added so much to those poor star-crossed lover's heart to heart? Unfortunately I'm more the silent-but-deadly type. The loudest ones I can muster are barely audible pffts.

It's so disappointing. I just want to add my two cents to the conversation!

Can you hear me now?

TOOT, TOOT!

26 comments:

Prunella Jones said...

And now I'd like to apologize for the crappiness of this post.

Also, poop.

Dr Zibbs said...

My wife does that and I hate it.

Eric said...

I wonder if from one restroom stall while going, anyone has ever called someone else in a different restroom somewhere else to talk?

It is just wrong. Please do not do this...

xl said...

If it's important, like from a doctor's office, I will answer my mobile phone from a restroom. No sound effects though, other than the echo!

Scope said...

PUBLIC RESTROOM? No. Never from a public restroom.

UBERMOUTH said...

Sometimes I pee when I am on the phone but I say ' Oh, just let me fill up the kettle.'

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Restroom phone conversations are forbidden, it's just not right.

All This Trouble... said...

Gimme your number.

diane said...

I don't have a cell phone. I don't recall receiving any poopy calls either. I feel dull now.

Mr. Condescending said...

erics comment is soo true, that is just very uncomforting to think of. I thought this post was actually very good because it annoys the hell out of me too! I work constantly on the road and it never fails to see this nonsense going on. Pru, I think we are all with you on this one. Except for the wacky turd talkers.

John Smith said...

These are the same people who let the phone ring 57 times before giving up, no matter how many times you pick up the phone and scream "I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!"

words...words...words... said...

I can't even imagine doing this. I don't like answering my cell phone anywhere, let alone there.

kay zee said...

my sister is guilty for this... hopefully only when talking to me on the phone.


We'll be in the middle of a convo and I'll hear the flush.
Ugh.

erin said...

I pee on while I'm on the phone all the time, but never poop. I feel like that is a private bonding experience between you, your intestines and your asshole.

Jane226 said...

Ugh, I hate people who talk on the phone in public bathrooms. No call is that important. I always make sure to flush every 2 seconds to interrupt their call. Sickos.

Lostinspace said...

Only for telemarketers, the louder the better.

LegalMist said...

I would have to hang up on someone if I thought they were calling me from the bathroom while taking a dump.

Then again, there is apparently precedent for this very strange behavior. I recently read that former President Lyndon B. Johnson liked to drag underlings (that's pretty much everyone when you're the POTUS, isn't it?) into the bathroom with them and force them to continue their conversations with him while he used the toilet. And they didn't just have to hear the grunting and flushing like the folks on the other end of a cell phone. They were subjected to the whole horrible stinky vision of witnessing the POTUS take a crap in front of them.

Holy crap what is with some people?!?

Krissyface said...

I should never have read this while eating a lunch of tepid kale and sweet potatoes. YUUUUCK.

I think I blogged about this one time. It's so frigging nasty when people do this, I hate technology has given us the ability to engage in phone convo while crapping. In the public restroom in my office a couple weeks ago, a girl was in the stall next to me talking to some credit agent or bank or something about a loan she was trying to secure. The pooor guy on the other end. He has a crappy job.

ba dum bum tsssssskkkk

Fancy Schmancy said...

My cousin does that to me all the time and it drives me crazy. What is it about me that makes her want to call me the second she feels a bowel movement coming on?

Cora said...

No, I've never had a phone call in the bathroom. Ewww and a half. But it happens in public bathrooms all the time. WTF?!

Mr. Poopie said...

Never in a public restroom. But when I do, I mute the phone while I flush so the other person doesn't know I was dropping the kids off. I'm like a pooping ninja!

Prunella Jones said...

LOL, you're a sly one!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

When executing the business of taking a dump, I need complete privacy unless it is an urgent matter, then I have no problem TOB wherever I am.

Having said that, I am a chronic pee-taker-talker. I am quite discreet about it, as I never get busted until the final flush.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Cheasty said...

haha. lmao @ TOOT TOOT. :)

Girl Interrupted said...

Haha ... I need to hang out in public toilets more!

Not in a George Michael way though

Ps: Pfft!

honkeie2 said...

That takes the deuce!
People become oblivious when they are on the phone. It has to be one of the strangest thing to witness, a cell phone junkie.