Here's a couple of questions for you: Do you talk on your cell phone while going to the bathroom? Have you ever received a call from someone that you could tell was in the middle of taking a dump?
Tell the truth now, have you?
I would bet that at least one of you will say yes, as this is something that seems to be becoming more and more acceptable. Almost every time I pop into a public restroom lately I notice someone jabbering away on a phone while toilets flush noisily around them.
Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom at Target behind a lady who chattering away on her cell about the televised Michael Jackson memorial. I chose the stall next to her so I could continue to eavesdrop on her conversation while I peed. It went something like this:
"Oh, I know. Janet was looking good, wasn't she? My girl was fierce!"
splashy pee sounds that went on for at least a minute
"Mmmmhmmmm mmmmhmmmm. I know that's right."
"I know! Wasn't that sad? When Paris was crying for her daddy I burst into tears too."
"No, really? What did they say?"
This was said a little breathlessly. You could tell she was straining to get a turd out.
"Awww, that is so sweet. Bless her heart, bless her heart."
A big plop as the turd hit the water, followed by a satisfying splash.
At this point I lost it and started laughing. The woman did not miss a beat and kept going with her jabber, apparently dexterous enough to wipe her ass and pull up her pants with one hand while holding the phone with the other. Then she shamelessly flushed and banged out of the stall, while discussing whether or not Brooke Shields had a facelift.
It was really quite impressive.
You know, I don't think anyone has ever called me while taking a crap. Not to my knowledge anyway. If they did, they were pretty quiet about it because if I even suspected they were pooping, I'd say something like, "Hey! Are you pooping? Did you really want to talk to me so bad that you couldn't wait till you were finished grinding one out?"
If you think about it that way, it's strangely flattering. Maybe. Otherwise....eeeeew.
Once I overheard a chick in the bathroom at my gym arguing with someone - probably a guy - on the phone. (Assuming she wasn't talking to the voices in her head.) The place reeked and I certainly didn't add to the freshness as I'd just drunk a large coffee and had a case of the caffeine squirts. I doubt she noticed though, since it sounded like she was in the middle of a teary breakup.
"I know you love me," she hissed from inside her stall. "Yes, you do! Don't say that!"
I wondered what he said? Probably something like, "No, I don't love you, quit calling me", but I'd like to imagine it was,
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit!"
Oh, how I wish I could release deafening farts at will! I'd have squeezed out a few firecracker-like booms right then for her friend to enjoy. Wouldn't that have really added so much to those poor star-crossed lover's heart to heart? Unfortunately I'm more the silent-but-deadly type. The loudest ones I can muster are barely audible pffts.
It's so disappointing. I just want to add my two cents to the conversation!
Can you hear me now?