Sunday, November 16, 2008

Grinder's Switch, Sweet Table Wine ($10) "Pearl": A Review

Attention wine lovers. Are you looking for a fine wine to serve your guests this Thanksgiving holiday? Or perhaps a wine that will pair nicely with a supermarket pizza and Saturday Night Live? Me too. I like wine a lot. I don't drink it very often but when I do I look for good quality in a bottle. Or box. Whatevs.

Of course being poor I don't usually spend more than $15. There are plenty of brands to choose from at that price. Some are tastier than others but honestly, I've never tried a wine that I thought was completely undrinkable.

Until recently that is.

The other day I went to pour myself a glass of wine only to discover there wasn't any left. I was really bummed as it was late and in Tennessee you can only buy wine in liquor stores. The closest one was ten miles away and probably closed. I cussed very loudly.

"Why don't you open one of those nice bottles of wine I bought you from Minnie Pearl's house?" my mom suggested.

My mom loves to take those YMCA senior citizen bus tours of the Grand Old Opry stars houses and she'd thoughtfully brought me back two bottles from the winery at Minnie Pearl's estate. I'd been pretty jazzed about it till I noticed the label read Sweet Table Wine. Now I'm not a wine snob but the word "sweet" seems to be code for "tastes like sugary cough syrup."

"Did you taste this before you bought it, Mom?"

"No," she'd said. "You know I don't care for wine. But the saleslady said it was very good."

Oh boy! I stashed the bottles in the back of the pantry and promptly forgot about them till she reminded me.

Well, lushes can't be choosers. When faced with the possibility of no wine with dinner I decided to open one. How bad could it be?


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Grinder's Switch Sweet Table Wine pairs well with a loaf of Publix brand white bread and a shot of insulin.



The answer is: It was the worst tasting shit ever! And I've had Boones Hill Farm and grape-flavored Cisco.

The first sip made my cavities vibrate. The second sip nearly caused them to explode. If I'd dared a third sip, I might have been on the ground in a diabetic coma. I'm unsure what grapes were used to make "Pearl." The label doesn't say. Probably not Chardonney or Sauvignon Blanc as there were no buttery notes or underlying flavors of oak to be found. It was sort of like drinking warm corn syrup with maybe a hint of blue raspberry Kool-Aid. I had to spit it in the sink before my teeth disintegrated.

If you are looking for a way to convince that alcoholic loved one to go to rehab then you might consider giving them a bottle of Grinder's Switch. It just might spur them into treatment. Otherwise save your money.

To summarize, this stuff is bad. Very, very bad. Hee hee he haw haw blecccch!

So bloggers, tell me. Do you have any recommendations for a good cheap wine? What is your favorite?

10 comments:

me said...

i believe in cheap wine too! an $18 bottle is a treat for me! i aim for $9...

i love that you had the "Pearl!" i'll certainly keep my eye out for it! lol

recommendations:

1) pinto grigio-- Bella Sera (go for the big bottle... promise, you'll drink it. watch out though, if you drink too much, you will get an ugly hangover)

2) chianti-- DaVinci (a bit pricier, but publix always puts it on sale and the label is cool / pretty)

3) champagne-- André - Spumanti, Pink, and / or Cold Duck (buy several bottles at once. perhaps one of each. you could probably finish them in a sitting. bring a friend. look for it on the bottom shelf)

enjoy et salut!

xl said...

Favorite vintage: Boone's Farm® Strawberry Hill!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Darn - I don't think we get that brand chez moi, then I wouldn't have to lie about having toothache.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I've never found a wine I like. I did buy a $3 bottle once of something sort of pinkish and it tasted sort of like cherry kool aid. It was the best I found so far.

Diane said...

I honestly do like Target's Pinot Grigio in a box. I also have good luck with Australian chardonnay. Yellow Tail is one Iike.

Fucktard Savant said...

The best cheap wines come from trader joe's. They always have a shiraz or ghianti for 5-6 bucks that tastes better than anything I've had from a grocery store. Of course, I am not sure they have those there and if they did they couldn't serve wine. I guess the moral of the story is that we need a superplague to take out the fundies.

WendyB said...

I'm having a Manischewitz flashback here....

Prunella Jones said...

Me- thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep my eyes peeled for them.

XL- D'oh! Well, okay, it does go great with Doritos.

Lulu- indeed, because your teeth would be falling out.

Ron- sounds like some sort of bum wine. Night Train? Ripple? Stay far away from those my friend or you'll end up a hobo.

Diane- I like Yellow Tail too. Australian wines are nice and cheap.

Fucktard- no Trader Joes here until 2010. I'll be first in line when they do open their doors tho.

Wendy- Oy Vey!

fashion herald said...

minnie, say it ain't so!
i've got a liquor store that has a pile of wines, 3 for $17.99. $16.99 before the financial meltdown. So all i remember is barefoot anything is passable.

Krissyface said...

I like Robert Mondavi and Radical Cab by Organic Wineworks. From one lush to another, love.