Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tucksworth and Tacos

Let's say you have a monkey. A batshit crazy one, but he's your pet and you love him. Then one day he disappears and you receive a letter informing you that he's been kidnapped. You'd probably assume it was true and try everything you could to get him back, right?

Well, not if the monkey in question was Tucksworth.

I was suspicious from the first when I got that ransom note. For one thing, it was written in fingerpaint on the back of my electric bill. Also, it was smeared with Cheetos dust and grape jelly, two of Tucksworth's favorite snacks. In fact he enjoys eating them together. The only other person I know who likes that kind of gross combination of foods is Britinia. I wondered briefly if she might have had something to do with his disappearance but she denied it, and I realized she was too dumb to plot anything as complicated as a kidnapping. Sheesh, she can't even manage to get a decent weave!

And then there was the picture that had been stapled to the note. Remember the one, of the monkey getting electrocuted? It didn't really look like Tucksworth, but I was so horrified I didn't question it. Upon further examination I realized it had been cut out of Stop Vivisection Now! pamphlet. I'd been duped. That rotten little ape hadn't been snatched at all! He just felt like running off. The whole kidnapping thing was a scheme to get me to send him more Adderall. I guess he really developed a taste for it after downing my prescription that day he freaked out. I was pissed off that he'd pull something like this, but not really surprised. Tucksworth loves drama almost as much as he loves Cuervo Gold and fine Columbian.

Alert reader Helen let me know what was going on after she spotted him in this Taco John commercial. Thanks Helen!

Look at him ride that dog!

I didn't think I'd be seeing Tucksworth again now that he's famous and all, but he crept home late last night full of remorse and begged me to forgive him. He looked really tired and his fur was all straggly. All the money he made from his acting job is gone. Lord knows what he spent it on. My mom didn't want him back. She hates his mess and thinks he's too much trouble. He IS too much trouble and a spoiled rotten brat besides, but it's hard to resist those sad, pleading, monkey eyes.

This morning I woke up to find the cats tails tied together and my mother furiously scrubbing cream cheese and peanut butter off of the TV screen. I guess I'd better have a talk with him at some point. I'm too exhausted to do it right now, though. The new managers of The Boobie Barn installed a mechanical bull and they are making every dancer learn how to ride it so we can participate in Buck Naked Bullriding Fridays. I'm not very good at that sort of stuff. I can't seem to stay on for more than three seconds. Plus it gives me motion sickness.

I scrawled this poem in the employee rest room last night.

The thing about Buck Naked Bullriding
is that it makes you bruise your shins and throw up your tacos.
Other than that it sucks.


Mister Underhill said...

I'd like to see you throwing your taco up in the air.

Mister Underhill said...

PS that's the coolest commercial I've ever seen. Have him bring me a couple of burritos. I had some from trader joes the other night. Delish.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I can understand Tucksworth running off and doing drugs and even hanging out with a dog that is obviously on speed. But why was he giving away food?

xl said...

So good to hear that the little scamp Tucksworth found his way home.

Well, since Tucksworth now has show business experience, perhaps something could be worked out at the Boobie Barn for him. During Buck Naked Bullriding intermission he could take a turn on the bull and fling lime Jello® at the customers?

Diane said...

Was Tucks tied onto that rampaging canine?

And I had a taco and tamale today on Olvera Street. said...

Perhaps Tucksworth can give you some bronco bucking tips?

No dear, not THOSE kind of tips.

Krissyface said...

God, Tucksworth's antics sound just like Lily's.
Those two kids would have a blast together.

ablondeblogger said...

Did you check Britt's house?

BUMBLE!!! said...

Everybody's got something to hide except for you and your monkey.

funny video...

have a good 1!!

prettykitty said...

maybe it's just me, but tacos and monkey seem like a dangerous combination. i don't think i could handle either, let alone both at once.

morbid misanthrope said...

Being a shrewd businessman, I see an opportunity for you here. In this celebrity-crazed society, Tuckworth's minor celebrity still merits periods of extreme media exposure. I suggest you ghost write his autobiography; publish that motherfucker with lots of pictures and a really large, rounded font; and generate some interest in his addictions and potentially embarrassing passions with rumors you slip the press anonymously. Bam! Next thing you know, VH1 and E! executives will be knife-fucking each other's skulls to give Tucksworth a reality show--perhaps he can pick body vermin off of Tila Tequila and feed them to Flava Flave or something.

The details aren't all that important. What matters is you take advantage of this opportunity before someone else pimps their drug-addled celebrity monkey to the dead-behind-the-eyes masses who will watch anything with no plot and gratuitous fits of epicene drama.

LA said...

Hey, can Tucksworth introduce me to that actor who yells out "ride like the wind?"

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- Trader Joes has burritos? Man, I miss that store.

Ron- yeah, giving away food is totally unlike him. It must be the drugs.

XL- good idea! I like the way your mind works.

Diane- looks like it, huh?

A breakfast burrito would be good right now for dinner.

Brenda- I do need help staying on the bull.

Krissyface- 1 child + 1 monkey = lots of cleaning up.

Blondeblogger- well Brit doesn't have a house, she lives in a van with a waterbed. I doubt she want Tucks in there. He would totally pop the waterbed.

Bumble- well, I have nothing to hide but I'm not so sure about Tucksworth.

PK- you are a smart woman. Tacos and monkeys are an explosive combination, even more dangerous than Pop Rocks and soda.

Morbid- brilliant idea as usual! I'll have to write about the time Tucksworth went to Hazeldon to keep his mangy ass out of jail and made friends with an old mafia hit man. Oprah loves that kind of thing. What a shame Tucksworth is a male, he would be a great host on The View. He's even more liberal than Rosie O'Donnel. I'd love to see him pulling Elizabeth's hair and flinging poo at Barbara Wawa.

LA- you'd have to ask him. Shall I bring him by sometime?