Thursday, March 27, 2008

I Have Angered the Internet God

Gonna teach this sucka a lesson!

I don't know what I did, but my internet connection has been awful all week. Very, very slow and then it will go out completely for several hours. Whenever that happens I fall to the floor in screaming convulsions of anger, foaming at the mouth and cursing in tongues. Geez, when will this agony end? Should I sacrifice a goat or something? I set a glass of wine and a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos in front of the modem last night, and promised to quit shoplifting lip balm and bowling balls if the internet would only please, please, come back to me. It's my precious! When I woke up this morning I noticed that the wine was untouched, but the Doritos bowl had been licked clean, and the connection has been a bit better. What does that tell us? That the great cyber god is a teetotaler who enjoys flavored tortilla chips, that's what!

Or else that my dog, Shirley, got into the chips. Whatevs.

*By the way, when I tried to picture what an angry web deity would look like, the closest I could come was a miffed Mr. T in a dress. Do you see it, or I'm a way off the mark? What do you think He would look like?


WendyB said...

I heart this post. You are my precious and you must never be off teh interweb again.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Pity the fool that messes with the Internet Gods. Get Murdoch in there quick... he can make everything better.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Dear Prunella,

As your official stalker I think it is my duty to inform you that I do not drink and the chips were a bit stale. When I got tired of watching you sleep I surfed the internet and boy did I have to get rid of a load of virus's before I could even do that. If you could please leave out pizza and some diet pepsi tomorrow I would appreciate it.

Your ever so humble stalker,

Mister Underhill said...

Wow. The only part missing is that Mr T has not assumed the goatse position. But that only comes with proper sacrifice in the form of forwarding hundreds and hundreds of chain emails until your fingers ache deep in their bones.

Krissyface said...

Oh, Pru. You make me laugh.
I'm wondering though, why didn't Shirley touch the wine? Your DOG is a teetotaler too? Lame.

Diane said...

Hanna doesn't like wine either - but don't leave an Appletini within her doggie tongue's reach . . .

xl said...

Here's your problem:

"[The Internet is] a series of tubes. And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."
Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK)

Prunella Jones said...

Wendyb- thank you my fair maiden. I heart your lovely jewelry, especially the rings. Shall we run off to Mordor together and model them for the orcs?

Bumble- the man with the gold rules.

Ron-It's good to know that was just you creeping around, I was worried the hook-handed man that used to stalk me had gotten out of prison.

Is vegan pizza okay?

Mister U- or possibly spamming hundreds of sites? Gah, I'd rather sacrifice a goat. IT's more humane.

krissyface- wine is too sissified for Shirley. I think she prefers beer. One of those meaty microbrews.

Diane- uh oh, Appletinis taste so good going down, so awful coming up. Hanna must have a strong stomach.

XL- at last the internet explained ina way I can understand! So, I should just use some liquid plumber then?

LA said...

Holy christ, that picture rules!

Glad to see you are back online. There is nothing worse than losing your connection, and I mean that in the broadest sense possible.

GetFlix said...

It's the weather. The internets hates all the rain, mud and snow. They've been working on their tans in Florida.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Ahh well, you can't blame Shirley. Cool Ranch Doritos rule.

Sudiegirl said...

how do you shoplift a bowling ball?

Prunella Jones said...

LA- Amen!

GF- it has been awfully rainy lately.

Blowing Shit Up- very true. They are my Kryptonite.

Sudie- very carefully! That's not something you want to drop.

morbid misanthrope said...

Usually when the internet stops, it's because a bird flew into a turbine somewhere. The details are all very scientific, but that's the gist of it.

Prunella Jones said...

Morb- I see. Well that's good news. Now I don't have to keep all those promises I made about being good. Not sure what I'm going to do with all this goat's blood though.