Friday, March 07, 2008

The Devil and Miss Jones


Do you ever feel like there is a devil on your shoulder urging you to do bad things? I have one of those. He looks like Richard Dawson from the 70's when he was on that show Match Game, except with devil horns. It's so damn hard to resist Richard. For one thing, he has that charming accent. It always makes whatever foul thing he's suggested sound perfectly reasonable, almost a shame not to do really. And he calls me "luv" in that cheeky way of his. He's just so good at wheedling.

For instance, this morning he recommended that I chop up and snort my daily Adderall pill.

"Go on then, luv," he said with a grin. "You've been good for quite a while now. You deserve to have a little fun."

"Quit it, Richard," I said, uncomfortably aware that the very thought made my heart pound with anticipation.

He knew he was getting to me and pressed his advantage. "Well just swallow a couple more then, three or four. One won't do anything much. You need it. You're very muddle minded lately."

Tell me, could you resist a suave motherfucker like this?

I'll admit I was super tempted. I opened the bottle and stared with longing at those gleaming orange and white pills. I poured out four and held them in my hand, considering.

But luckily I have an angel on my other shoulder who convinced me to only take one by shaking her head and giving me a stern look. She doesn't always win, but she did today. Thanks, babe.

My angel. She has her work cut out for her.

By the way, if your cable carries Game Show Network then I urge you to check out The Match Game. It's so amazing to see the stars smoking while they play the game, and the humor is so naughty. I swear the other day I saw Betty White give Charles Nelson Reilly the finger.


Sunshine said...


Finally, I've found you! Somebody who loves The Match Game as much as I do!

When I grow up, I want to be Brett.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I used to have a devel and an angel too. Then one day the angel sort of started showing up late and finally all I saw was a little note on my shoulder telling me to be good. Now even the note is gone...

WendyB said...

I love The Match Game! They were crazy. And...behave!

Prunella Jones said...

Sunshine- isn't it the best game show ever? I wish it was the seventies right now, so I could be a contestant and also wear a fabulous Farrah Fawcett hairdo.

Brett seems like she'd be way fun to have a drink with, doesn't she?

Ron- uh oh. No wonder your mind is warped! Unrestrained devil whisperings are never good.

Wendy B- I picture them tossing back whiskey sours before the show and having orgies afterwards.

Anonymous said...

I have a devil on one shoulder and a crazy viking on the other one.

tiff said...

Another Match Game fan here. I was totally hot for RD...woot!

LA said...

I LOVE the old Match Game. Gene Rayburn was almost as smarmy as Richard D.

Diane said...

Match Game rocks! Was I just to young and dumb to realize how incredibly gay some of the men were?

LA said...

Diane - No one had gaydar back then. It's funny to look back, though, with today's sophistication. said...

Stay strong, Pru. Just keep telling yourself, this is not something you need in your life.

have you thought about switching to Ritalin?

Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- oh is that a viking? I thought your angel just had some kinky fashion sense.

Tiff- I'm amazed to find so many other Match Game fans. It's good to know I'm not alone in appreciation for this show.

LA- I love the word smarmy. You are right, it fits him so well.

Diane and LA- it is a laugh. Some of the men were such flamers they were practically on fire and still talking about how they needed to find a nice girl.

Brenda- Ritilan gives me anxiety. I'm trying out different supplements from the health food store right now.

OneHungMan said...

OneHung always thinks of the scene in Animal House with the little devil guy and the angel on Pinto's shoulders when the young chick passes out. "Fuck her, fuck her brains out. Suck her tits, squeeze her buns."

Classic commentary by the evil conscience.

Anonymous said...

The viking abducted the angel a long time ago and sexuailzes her in horrible ways, but she seems to like it. Her name's Katrina.

morbid misanthrope said...

Holy shit, Underhill, you have a Viking, too? My Viking doesn't say much--other than "Listen to more Amon Amarth." He spends a lot of time swinging Tyrfing around at invisible enemies and screaming, though.

So, instead of a devil and an angel, I have a ninja (I can only assume, since I've never seen him but can sense his ninja presence) and a Viking. All I know for sure is they both hate everything and encourage me to bash people.

Amon Amarth is pretty cool.

Prunella Jones said...

One Hung- I'll have to watch Animal House again sometime. I can't recall anything of that movie except John Belushi pretending to be a zit.

Mister U- her name's Katrina? No wonder she likes it!

Morb- I have a Viking imaginary friend. His name is Eric the Large Bulged and he mostly hangs out whispering romance novel dialog about how he must become the master of my heaving breasts or he will die. I like him best.