Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Her Boots Aren't Made For Walking

Well, my computer problems have finally been fixed. At least I hope they have (knock wood)! Being without it for a week made me realize just how very addicted I am. Don't ever leave me again, my precious, precious interweb!

Although, not having a working computer did force me to spend a little more time paying attention to my mom, which is a good thing I suppose. My mom is a fun lady. But, good Lord, the woman can talk! I mean, yeah I'm used to her nattering on and on endlessly, but when I'm surfing the net it's easy to tune out her chatter. It's sort of like hearing the grown ups talk on a Charlie Brown television special, all "Waaammph, waaaamph awaaaampha waaaamph." Requiring me to do nothing much except mutter, "yes ma'am," every once in awhile.

But without the cushioning glow from my monitor, I was actually forced to start listening to what she was saying. Apparently she knows every single thing going on in this neighborhood at all times and she worries a lot about terrorism and gangs.

I also noticed that she leaves the house early in the morning wearing a strange getup. She has this red, cape-like poncho with slits that she puts her arms through, a Britney Spears styled newsboy type cap and giant bug-eyed sunglasses, her usual mom jeans, and a pair of boots that look like something Wonder Woman would wear if she was a senior citizen. Those boots are sassy! Way too sassy for running errands.

"Where are you going in that outfit?" I asked her the other day. "You look like you're ready to fight crime."

She just stuck her tongue out at me and said, "wouldn't you like to know, Miss Nosy."

Now this is very unlike her, as she is usually happy to give you a minute by minute detail of her daily plans. It got me thinking and soon I deduced what was really going on. I think....no, I'm pretty sure my mom might be a superhero.

This is not a joke. I am dead serious. If you watch movies at all you know that it's common for superheros to disguise themselves as ordinary, everyday people. That way they can move around easily amongst the rest of us and no one will ever suspect them. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Here are my reasons.

1. My mom is a very virtuous person and a total do-gooder.

2. She disappears for hours during the day, saying she's going to the YMCA to walk or having lunch with her friends but that's an easy excuse, isn't it? Who's going to check up on her? And who knows what she's up to at night when I'm at The Boobie Barn?

3. You have to see this outfit! I think the bug-eyed sunglasses give her extra strong vision powers. Perhaps she can melt steel with them too. That poncho looks like a cape. Every super hero needs a cape. I wish I could post a picture of her wearing this ensemble but she won't let me. She did, however let me snap a photo of the boots. Tell me these boots aren't made for kicking bad guy ass in cushiony comfort. They are sassy!

My mom modeling the sassy boots in question. She knows how to strike a fierce pose!

4. For an old lady she is very strong. She's constantly pushing the furniture around in order to vacuum under beds and dust under the TV. The one time I tried to move my couch from one room to another, I threw out my back.

5. Well, that's all I have so far but I'm sure some more will occur to me.

Just a minute ago she came dowstairs dressed in her action garb, saying she was heading out to go shopping at TJ Maxx.

"Yeah right," I said. "I'm on to you, old lady. You're really on your way to cleanse the mean streets of downtown Nashville of villiany and wickedness, isn't that right?"
And then I sang a little theme song I made up for her (to the tune of Spiderman.)

Sassy boots! Sassy boots!
She's a hottie in sassy boots.
She fights crime.
All day long.
And then at night she hits the bong.
Look out!
Here come her sassy boots.

And instead of getting annoyed with me for joking that she smokes marijuana - she never would in a million years! it's against the law! - my mom just smiled mysteriously and said, "Maybe I am. I'll never tell."

She is. Her name is probably Sassy Boot Woman.

Want to see which superhero you are? You can take this quiz to find out. I'm Catwoman.


WendyB said...

Mom needs her own movie franchise!

Mister Underhill said...

I don't know. I mean, seriously. Who is your mom fooling with that outfit? She can't be a superhero because she doesn't blend in AT ALL. Of course, I guess all clark kent did to disguise himself is wear a pair of glasses, and the instant he took them off people would recognize he was actually superman.

I got the hulk. Which makes perfect sense, because I am hulking and muscular and covered in green fungus. I was 5% away from being Robin. Now that would have been tragis. SO. GAY.

Princess of the Universe said...

Apparently I'm superman. Don't know how I feel about that...

Krissyface said...

I'm spiderman. THis does not surprise me one bit. Because I am geeky but tricky and quick and I have arachnoid reflexes.
It does surprise me though that he is a dude.
And I am not.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Is that your dog next to you mom? Tough to see in the pic.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I'm Spiderman. Hmmm... I think it's possibe she's superhero or it could also be possible she's a super villian and the goody two-shoes thing is a cover.

xl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OneHungMan said...

Those are some bangin' boots.

Diane said...

I would wear those boots in a second!

marky said...

i always wonder about people who wear capes....theres a guy here who wears a cape and a tall black hat and has a long white beard. Is it Merlin or just some dude?

Mister Underhill said...

Is xl actually tom cruise?


OR....she could be incognito so she is not recognized from America's Most Wanted.

kookla@work said...

Don't be silly, Prunella. If you didn't figure it out with the cap and cape, then the sassy boots clearly give it away. Your mom is Ms. Marples and she fights crime the old-fashioned way. By reasoning, deduction and good old ingenuity.

I'm glad you got the computer up and running again. My power went out for an hour once and I was just about ready to climb a power pole with my laptop!

Mister Underhill said...

Could it be xl is...YOUR MOTHER? DUN DUN DUNNN!

That would bring me great pleasure.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

those boots are the hotness. The perfect weapon to drive up a criminal offender's butt.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Can you see if she can do anything about the Scientologists?

morbid misanthrope said...

It has been my experience that there is no such thing as too sassy for running errands ... er, I mean, I'm a superhero, too. I wear a cape and chainmail because I'm a crimefighter--not because I just like to look goddamned amazing.

LA said...

I'm Wonder Woman!

Those boots are superhot, girlfriend.

LA said...

BTW, will you send your mom back to Florida to kick the shit out of those 8 teenagers who videotaped the beatdown they gave to another girl? Oh, and she should kick the shit of the parents while she's at it.

Prunella Jones said...

If those sassy boots had steel toes they would truly be unstoppable.

muse said...

Well, next time I need a super hero I am calling...Sassy Boot Woman!

GetFlix said...

Boots are the perfect female outfit. Nothing else is needed.

MsPuddin said...

your mom rocks those boots? Man don't question that, let the super mama work, let her work!

Sudiegirl said...

I was spider man - what the hell?