Thursday, September 17, 2009

10 Things You May Not Have Known About Jewelry Designer and Internet Blogging Sensation Wendy Brandes

Occasionally when I'm not busy making my political views known or splashing pictures of my vagina across the internet, I like to write things about celebrities. Deep investigative journalism pieces, like when I interviewed Dr. Zibbs and that time I went behind the scenes with Carleen Sue Washington, hair weave specialist to the stars. Exciting as these profiles were to do, they pale in comparison to this one I've just written. That's because I actually know Wendy B - we kind of grew up together - so I know all of her dirty little secrets. Heh, heh, heh.

You guys may think you know all about the internet's latest darling Wendy B but you'd be wrong. Oh so wrong!

How wrong? Well, let's take a look.

1. In college Wendy B was famous not only for her love of beer and drugs - she was insatiable! - but also because she managed to stay fresh, clean, and neat as a pin while getting shitfaced. It was a truly amazing thing to see.

my pimped pic!

Here is a picture I snapped of her after an all night kegger. Note how cute and fresh she looks. Her clothes aren't wrinkled and her lipstick is not even smeared even though she'd just hurled after winning a hot dog eating contest. Bitch splashed barf all over my shoes while hers remained pristine. Then her snake ate my shoe when I kicked it off. It really bummed my trip, man.

2. Wendy B is only three feet tall. It's true, technically she qualifies as a munchkin. She's just very, very good at making herself appear much taller through her clever use of clothing and accessories. See, you never would have guessed if I hadn't told you, huh?

3. She taught me everything I know about pole dancing. And I know quite a bit!

4. Wendy B is 249 years old. She was born in 1760 (which makes her 6 months older than me) and has had sex with every president up until the last couple as she swore off presidential humping when she got married. According to Wendy, Teddy Roosevelt was the best lay but her favorite was Lincoln because he had a nice long and thick package. The worst was Andrew Jackson because of his terrible tobacco breath.

Having fucked every president myself - except for Obama, but I'll get you yet, Barry - I have to agree with Wendy about Teddy. He could go all night!

The worst for me was Taft because he collapsed on top of me and I was nearly crushed under his bulk. Also I'll always hate Benjamin Franklin for fooling me into thinking he was president so I'd fuck him, even though he wasn't. Well, how was I to know? They didn't teach girls to read back then. But, I digress, know back to Wendy...

5. Wendy B stays so youthful-looking because she takes very good care of her skin, avoids too much sun, eats well, and because she is immortal.

6. She's one tough broad! She was the 1991 Women's Kickboxing Champion, and she still enjoys getting out the gloves from time to time.

my pimped pic!

Wendy B after a typical night of kicking the asses of those unlucky bitches who tried to outfashion her. FYI she got the black eye and bite marks from Anna Wintour.

7. She is a violin virtuoso. In fact, Wendy is so good that she once outplayed the devil himself. That's right. Apparently she was hanging out in Georgia one day playing her fiddle when the devil came along and bet a fiddle of gold against her soul. So they had a fiddle playing contest and, of course, Wendy beat him soundly. Then she smacked Satan over the head with the heavy instrument and went and had the gold melted down. Thus started her jewelry making empire.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

8. Wendy B can shoot radioactive lasers from her eyes when she's angry. Believe me, you don't want to piss her off.

9. A few of these facts may be...ahem...slight exaggerations.

10. Except for number eight. That one is completely true, so watch out!


WendyB said...

You know me better than I know myself!

Practically Perfect In Every Way said...

11. Martha Stewarts insider trading info.... came from Wendy. What she won't do to knock competition out of the way. Wendy's line of bedding is to die for!

InnyVinny said...

I'm sure you've summed her up as much as one can in a list of 10.


Dale said...

It's exactly this type of honesty that we need more of. I bet you look just as lovely with your beer helmet on.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh Pru, this could be a weekly feature on your blog.


diane said...

Well, that was fun and different! : )
I don't know Wendy, but I bet she's a good sport.

Sher said...


Krissyface said...

I need this girl on my team of Hot Women Plotting World Domination.

Lostinspace said...

Thanks for setting this straight, I was sure she had sold her soul, because nobody can be that fabulous, but now that I know she actually beat the Devil, I realize she's just superhuman. And Pru, even Nixon? Ew.

Prunella Jones said...

Wendy is a fascinating woman all right. Oh, the things I could reveal! But I won't because I am a loyal friend. And also because she just sent me a very large check.

Prunella Jones said...

Oh yeah, and Nixon? Ugh. Well, it is a long story, but basically Nixon was not very interested in having sex. He mostly just wanted me to pretend he was a baby and put a diaper on him. I got out of there quick!

Dr Zibbs said...

Good one. And I love WendyB. Great blogger and Twitter friend.

erin said...

Oh! Hahaha.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into asking you to photoshop my photos.

And Wendy and I are actually sisters...which has been great except for the fact that while she was fucking the bigwig presidents I was suffering under the vice dicks.

Have you seen some of these guys, Pru? I mean come on.

market publique said...

Hilarious!! I love all of Wendy's special powers!

words...words...words... said...

I have not read Wendy's blog, and now I am a little afraid to.

Also, I'm adding "Tricked Pru into hot sex" to the list of reasons Benjamin Franklin is a personal hero.

everybodysaysdont said...

Thank you for the info on WendyB. I always suspected some of these....

Miss Janey said...

Evidently WendyB has two right hands... No wonder she's such a fierce bitch. She can make a bitch a necklace, den choke a bitch wid it.

Eric said...

WendyB represents all that is great about New York, jewelery, travel and fashion.

Hammie said...

I knew it! xx

fashion herald said...

Effing Ben Franklin, what a perv! And it's true, when it comes to accessories, WendyB does have supreme powers.

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