Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hope, Change, and Hawtness

You know, I joke a lot about running for president, but the more I think about it the more the idea appeals to me. I like Obama and all, but he is just a little too conservative for me. Plus, we really need a woman in the White House. Why not me?

I am absolutely right for the job of running this country. There is not a doubt in my mind that I could balance the budget, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, improve our relations with every country on Earth, reduce our reliance on oil, and make sure every American has health coverage. And I could do it all in four short years. My methods may be a bit...unconventional, but I know they'll work. Here are just a few of my ideas.

1. I will bust up every company deemed "too big to fail." If they are too big to fail then they are too big period.

2. Wall Street executives will be required to pay reparations to the American people for their recent bit of jackassery.

3. Any company that ships their jobs off to another country shall be required to pay a 90% "fuck you" tax on their profits. And for all the Republicans who will whine that those companies will leave America and take their jobs with them, well they already took their jobs away, dumbass! So they can go ahead and get the fuck out. Companies who hire Americans will get most excellent tax breaks.

4. The CEO's of all banks and credit card companies found guilty of usury by charging outrageous interest rates shall have their knees and teeth busted out with baseball bats.

5. Any so called "crime" that does not harm another person or their property shall be taken off the books. That includes drugs and prostitution. All drugs will be completely legal and available over the counter to anyone over the age of 18. They will be taxed like cigarettes, with the money going to pay for rehab for those who need it. Likewise prostitution will be taxed like cigarettes with the money going to job retraining for those prostitutes who want it, and to make sure young women (and men) are not forced into this job.

6. Free birth control for all. Absolutely free and available to everyone at all times. And not paid for by your taxes either. No, instead I'd make all those pro-life groups pay for it. Since Randall Terry and his ilk are so interested in making sure no fetus is ever aborted, I'm sure he will be happy to urge his rabid followers to reach deep into their pockets and finance the country's condoms and BC pills.

7. We spend way too much money on the military. The DOD budget for 2009 was $515.4 billion dollars. This is insane when we already have enough weapons to blow up the world 10 times over. I would cut that budget down 90%.

But Pru, you are probably thinking, that will leave us unprotected! T-t-terrorists will get us! And Russians! And other mean types that hate our freedoms!

Don't worry, duckies. I got us covered. We'll still have an army. It just won't cost as much because it will be a monkey army and the monkeys will work for food.

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What a monkey army may look like.

You may think I'm kidding but nothing could be further from the truth. A monkey army would rock! They wouldn't even need any weapons. Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to have five thousand pissed off monkeys coming towards you with their teeth bared, ready to rip your face off? And monkeys are very quick and agile and wouldn't take kindly to being shot at. I'm betting the enemy would shit their pants and surrender immediately. This could very well end modern warfare as we know it.

Also, if Putin rears his head and looks like he's even thinking of invading Alaska, I will invite him to The Boobie Barn, where my crack team of combat strippers will wrestle his ass into submission in the jello pit.

These ideas are just the tip of the iceburg, guys. I have tons more.

And lemme tell ya, if some dumbass Joe Wilson-type called me a liar at one of my press conferences, I'd march down there and slap the shit out of him and also kick him in the penis for good measure.

Don't let my little hippie act fool you. I'm plenty ruthless when I wanna be. Believe me, I'd run congress and the senate like Dorinda ran her stable of hoes in the movie "Truck Turner".

Isn't she magnificent? If I were even half that hawt they'd call me President Colonel Sanders 'cause I'd be finger lickin' good! Oh yeah!!

In your face, Sarah Palin! 2012 belongs to Prunella Jones.


Bill Stankus said...

You got my vote ... just the first four promises are enough for me.

And are you sure dumb asses like Joe Wilson have a penis? I'm thinking whatever they have is too tiny to count as anything at all.

Dr Zibbs said...

I think I should be in your cabinet.

WendyB said...

Forget free birth control for all...I vote for mandatory birth control for most. Really, a lot of people aren't fit to breed!

Some Guy said...

Do you have any yard signs? If so, I'll put one up.

And as long as Zibbs is asking, can I be Ambassador to Tahiti?

Mr. Condescending said...

Can I be the director of prostitution!?ill make sure they're all neat and tidy!

All This Trouble... said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Pru for Prez!"

xl said...

I don't want to wait until 2012 for Prez PJ! Since Obama was born in Kenya or someplace, can't we just have an election right now?

PS: I hope Classy Earl has a position in the PJ administration.

Lulu LaBonne said...



Thank God for the nude pics which will surface at just the right time. LOL

Yep, you're on your way to the White House.

honkeie2 said...

I guess you can run on the floosee card got my vote!

erin said...

Monkeys are seriously scary and kind of freaky. The only bad thing is the enemy could smell them coming a mile away...
haven't you ever been to the monkey forest at the zoo? FAIL.

diane said...

All of your ideas make perfect sense to me, but then I have a cold.
I love Dorinda's last line "and take that f*cking jacket off", hahaha.
Pru, I don't know where you think this stuff up, but it's great, and actually a little thought provoking without being threatening (except the monkeys).
Oh yeah, almost forgot to tell you to check your cabinets, just in case zibbs meant that literally.

jeremy said...

know what would have rounded this post out nicely? a little gratuitous nudity.

Prunella Jones said...

Well, I'm picturing the campaign posters as a big close up of my vagina with the words, "Read My Lips, No New Taxes" up above it. Sound good? Who wouldn't want to display that in their yard?

When I win, I will find cabinet positions for you all. Luxurious ones that involve lots of exotic trips and copious amounts of alcohol. All I ask in return is that you bitchsmack anyone who dares to criticize my administration.

Prunella Jones said...

Although, now that I'm thinking about it, what could they really say?

Waa waa, the president is a slut!

Yeah, so?

She's not religious and never goes to church!

I'm a non-practicing Wiccaan, next.

The president doesn't promote family values!

Yes, I do. I believe anyone who wants to get married should, no matter what their sex. However, I propose a new law which will make getting divorced extremely difficult, so as to make people really think twice before they get hitched. I'd also like to point out that I have no pregnant teen daughters and have never faked a pregnancy, pretending to give birth to my own grandson.

Lol, what could the GOP do to me? They couldn't touch me! Ha ha, fuck you Rush Limbaugh. I'd fart in his face.

fashion herald said...

I'm so on board for Prez Pru. But I don't want to be in charge of the monkeys, too scary. I would, however, love to bitch slap credit card company boards, please.

Cora said...

You have my vote!!

Who will be your VP?

Prunella Jones said...

Well, I'm thinking Danzig would be a great VP. Or Ozzy Ozbourne.