Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Vacay Over

I'm back now. Did you even miss me?

I meant to write a long post describing my vacation in detail, but I'm feeling too lazy so instead I just made a up a handy score chart for rating the experience.

Hilton Head Vacation Score Chart
Rated 1 - 10 with 10 = the best

Beach - 9

Hotel - 8

Weather - 6 (very chilly, but it did warm up nicely on my last day)

Restaurants - 8 (good seafood)

Alcohol - 10

Companionship - 10+ (I met up with a very handsome and mysterious man from my past and we boinked like bunnies)

Tacky Souvenirs - 3 (couldn't find any super tacky ones, dangit)

Drive There - 2

Drive Home - (-)14

All in all, it was a nice little vacation apart from the drive there and back. And that mostly only sucked because of the fucking state of Georgia. Fucking Georgia kicked my ass!

Attention all residents and lovers of Georgia. I am now about to slag on your state in a rather harsh way. Read no further if this will inflame you.

Georgia is a big ass state. And the thing is, it's really boring to drive through. There is nothing there except for trees. Why do they bother with speed limits? You should be able to go a hundred mph in order to get through it as fast as possible. Instead they have speed limits that go from 55 to 65 to 70 seemingly with no other intent then to be able to ticket drivers. I saw more cops holding radar guns while traveling through Georgia then I've ever seen in my life.

Plus they have very few rest stops and two I did pass were closed. For someone who likes to stop and pee every 60 miles or so it was torture. Sure, I could pull off the freeway into one of the numerous little shithole towns scattered here and there, but I was reluctant because I noticed a curious thing. Most all of these exits had railroad crossing arms at the entrance and again at the spot to get back on the freeway. Why? To block travelers from coming in....or leaving?

In my overheated imagination I became convinced that these little towns were full of crazed and horny albino pinheads lying in wait for women driving alone. As soon as one pulled over into one of their crappy gas stations, they would then give the signal.

"Close the gates, Cleteus! We got us a woman what ain't related to us! Hee haw! Geh geh geh!"

I vowed to avoid these places, but 200 hundred miles later I was desperate for a pee so I had to stop at one. I called my mom first though and told her the name of the town just in case I was never heard from again, so they'd know where to look.

I swear, I could practically hear the banjos playing as I got out of the car. The first thing I noticed when entering the store was a large, hand lettered sign on the ladies room door that said, "Restrooms for paying customers ONLY!" The second thing I noticed was that the word "customers" was misspelled. And the third thing was that the mean hillbilly at the cash register talking to what looked to be the town whore and possibly his sister (the had the same missing teef) was glaring at me, so I couldn't just sneak into the bathroom.

Grudgingly I bought an overpriced bottle of water and then made sure to splash the seat when I finally peed. It wasn't hard to do considering there was no toilet paper. Fucking Georgia!

On the way home, I found that a few portions of 75N were closed down to one lane so they could do some sort of roadwork. Basically it took three and a half hours to go 80 miles. I spent the entire time making up poems about how much Georgia sucks. Here are a couple of examples:

Fuck You Georgia!
I hate this state so bad
Your fucked up traffic is making me quite mad
Screw you, Georgia!
This state's a piece of shit
no one should ever visit
(if you do bring a toilet kit).

Georgia sucks, this is quite true
If it were a band, it'd be Blink 182
If I lived here I'd have to sniff glue
every single day
instead of monthly like I usually do.

There once was a hawt girl named Pru
stuck in traffic while trying to drive through
this hideous state
making her quite irate
said Pru to Georgia, "Fuck you!"

I thought that I should never see
so many toothless hillbillies
even more so than Tennessee
Four out of five dentists agree
the only thing to do in Georgia is flee.

Well, there are many more since I was stuck for so long but I think you get the picture.

In conclusion I'd like to say, Hilton Head Island is lovely, go visit sometime if you can. But avoid going through Georgia as it sucks ass. That is all.


Dr Zibbs said...

So the alcohol was a 10? What were you drinking?

Also, did you run into the stranger or was it a planned meeting?

xl said...

Glad HH scored high in the categories that matter!

I agree about GA. I got a ticket and a big lecture from a cop at Stone Mountain Park. Our group had crossed the unmarked line between the national and state parks with alcohol and a picnic dinner. The funny part was that I had not been drinking, so I intercepted the cop. I had visions of being hauled before Boss Hog's court. But luckily it was a warning ticket.

Prunella Jones said...

Zibbs - very good wine instead of the cheap stuff I usually buy.

It was a spur-of-the-moment planned rendezvous, with him asking, "hey, wanna meet me in HH?" and me going, "um...okay."

XL- If you had been hauled before Boss Hog, I have no doubt you'd be able to escape in car painted like the confederate flag. After all, some day the mountains might get ya but the law never will.

Lostinspace said...

Oh god, that may be the funniest georgia rant I have ever read. I will never drive through that state the same. Of course I've only seen it from I95.

All This Trouble... said...

Only Absinthe rates a 10. Only. absinthe.

Now, you'll be able to sympathize more with me on my very own blog. I grew up here (Georgia) and moved to the only place worse (Louisiana) then moved back!!! I am obviously mentally ill.

South Georgia REALLY sucks AND all of the roadwork on our interstates has helped me cook up a raging phobia.

Cameron said...

I cannot attest to the suckiness that is Georgia, but I can assure you that the state of Illinois is no picnic to drive thru either. At least Georgia has trees....Illinois = corn. Woohoo.

Oh, and Kansas sucks ass too. You think corn is boring, check out all the shitty wheath that Kansas has to offer.

Cora said...

I've never been to Georgia
And I never plan to go
It sucks rocks
And small cocks
Prunella told me so.

Hey, you're right! That is fun! I'm sooo doing that next time I'm stuck in traffic. Thanks Pru.

Congrats on the boinking. ;-)

Cora said...

And driving through WA is no party either. Road construction sites breed like rabbits here. Grrrr.

Anonymous said...

Ok, a lot of those were good, but likening georgia to blink 182 was awesome.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Why did you leave all that loveliness? I'd have pushed my car into the sea and demanded Mr Hot Boinker tried his best to make me feel better about being a foolish girl

Eric said...

Banjos playing :) That's when you know you're in trouble.

Girl Interrupted said...

That was some awesome ranting, Pru! I'm completely sold. And I'm bored! Wanna go bomb Georgia?

Ps: More please re: the mysterious boinker!

Diane said...

So far my visits to the south have consised of New Orleans and New Orleans, and no driving. Though I am hoping that on my next visit to New Orleans, the driver will let me hold the reigns on the mule taking us around the French Quarter.

Phil Bennett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca said...

You know, It's funny...I drove through Georgia with my dad on a trip from Florida back to New York and it sucked about as much as you just said.

And that was 14 years ago...

It took FOREVER to get through it and there were areas closed down so we had to take a detour which significantly increased the time it took to get through it.
Funny how it hasn't changed

Prunella Jones said...

Phil- everyone's probably getting bored with seeing me naked by now.

~Sheila~ said...

I totally know what you mean. I hear the music playing in various different houses of patients that I treat.

Mine has more of a mexican theme to it though and I always imagine chickens coming to peck at my ankles.

Thanks for the warning about Georgia.

fashion herald said...

Great poem, i think Blink 182 was my favorite part too.
The rendezvous boink, oh how good it is.