The Musical Fruit

I've never been a big fan of beans. They're kinda yucky IMO.

That said, I was hanging out with a couple of vegans on Saturday and ended up having a bean and cous-cous burrito with them and it was pretty good. The burrito also contained shredded cabbage, hot peppers, and salsa. I liked it so much, I had seconds.

Then for dessert, I had one of those decidedly non-vegan bottles of Starbucks frappuccino.

Right around the same time, I suddenly remembered that I'd forgotten to take my daily multiple vitamin so I popped it in my mouth and happily set off for a night of booty shaking at The Boobie Barn.

You see where this is going, don't you? For while I cluelessly drove to work, singing along at the top of my lungs with The B'52s CD on the car stereo, an evil death cloud was brewing in my stomach.

That's right, the combination of beans (which I rarely eat), cabbage, grains, caffeine, dairy, sugar, and vitamins created the kind of hideous gas that can only be described as nuclear.

By the time I got there, the farts were slowly beginning to leak out. At first I wasn't too worried. The situation seemed bad but controllable. I figured I could always suppress the worst of the stink until I could go release it in the safety of the bathroom stall. But it soon became apparent that there would be no controlling this gas.

Try as I might, I could not keep myself from farting every three seconds or so. The best I could do was squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from farting audibly. It seeped out of me in a noxious wave of silent-but-ultra-deadly stink fumes, and by the time I had gotten my false eyelashes and thong on, the room smelled like hot shitty ass. The other girls were wrinkling their noses and looking around, but I decided to act oblivious, having grown up with the rule: "The first one that smelt it delt it"

To help you visualize this scene, I've thoughtfully recreated it in this picture using nail polish.

Dramatic Reenactment of the fartroversy:





"What the fuck?!" One of the girls screamed. "Whoever doing that shit is a very nasty individual! Nasty!"

There was a chorus of yeahs, so I figured I'd throw mine in too. Then, of course, being me I had to take it farther.

"My god, it smells like an ass factory in here!" I yelled. "One of y'all should be ashamed!"

Then I picked up a bottle of perfume (Maybe Baby by Benefit) and started spraying it around the room. It was a good thing I did, because another wave of eye watering stink picked just that moment to slip out and waving the fragrance bottle around helped to disburse it a bit.

Everybody took my cue and started squirting perfume and cologne around which soon created an even worse stench. I'm not sure how best to describe it. A bouquet of rectums set on fire and put out with toilet water comes close except maybe browner. Whatever, I'm surprised it didn't immediately peel all the paint off the walls.

Needless to say it was a very, very long night.

For the other chicks anyway. I ended up having a great time. By the end of the evening I was lifting up my leg and daring customers to pull my finger. What fun! No wonder my dad enjoyed that joke so much.