Monday, April 13, 2009

The Musical Fruit

I've never been a big fan of beans. They're kinda yucky IMO.

That said, I was hanging out with a couple of vegans on Saturday and ended up having a bean and cous-cous burrito with them and it was pretty good. The burrito also contained shredded cabbage, hot peppers, and salsa. I liked it so much, I had seconds.

Then for dessert, I had one of those decidedly non-vegan bottles of Starbucks frappuccino.

Right around the same time, I suddenly remembered that I'd forgotten to take my daily multiple vitamin so I popped it in my mouth and happily set off for a night of booty shaking at The Boobie Barn.

You see where this is going, don't you? For while I cluelessly drove to work, singing along at the top of my lungs with The B'52s CD on the car stereo, an evil death cloud was brewing in my stomach.

That's right, the combination of beans (which I rarely eat), cabbage, grains, caffeine, dairy, sugar, and vitamins created the kind of hideous gas that can only be described as nuclear.

By the time I got there, the farts were slowly beginning to leak out. At first I wasn't too worried. The situation seemed bad but controllable. I figured I could always suppress the worst of the stink until I could go release it in the safety of the bathroom stall. But it soon became apparent that there would be no controlling this gas.

Try as I might, I could not keep myself from farting every three seconds or so. The best I could do was squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from farting audibly. It seeped out of me in a noxious wave of silent-but-ultra-deadly stink fumes, and by the time I had gotten my false eyelashes and thong on, the room smelled like hot shitty ass. The other girls were wrinkling their noses and looking around, but I decided to act oblivious, having grown up with the rule: "The first one that smelt it delt it"

To help you visualize this scene, I've thoughtfully recreated it in this picture using nail polish.

Dramatic Reenactment of the fartroversy:
nail polish




"What the fuck?!" One of the girls screamed. "Whoever doing that shit is a very nasty individual! Nasty!"

There was a chorus of yeahs, so I figured I'd throw mine in too. Then, of course, being me I had to take it farther.

"My god, it smells like an ass factory in here!" I yelled. "One of y'all should be ashamed!"

Then I picked up a bottle of perfume (Maybe Baby by Benefit) and started spraying it around the room. It was a good thing I did, because another wave of eye watering stink picked just that moment to slip out and waving the fragrance bottle around helped to disburse it a bit.

Everybody took my cue and started squirting perfume and cologne around which soon created an even worse stench. I'm not sure how best to describe it. A bouquet of rectums set on fire and put out with toilet water comes close except maybe browner. Whatever, I'm surprised it didn't immediately peel all the paint off the walls.

Needless to say it was a very, very long night.

For the other chicks anyway. I ended up having a great time. By the end of the evening I was lifting up my leg and daring customers to pull my finger. What fun! No wonder my dad enjoyed that joke so much.

16 comments:

Girl Interrupted said...

Pru Jones! I effin adore you!

*pulls your finger*

Prunella Jones said...

Toooot!

quantum faux pas said...

You're such a fart blossom. ;)

xl said...

Did Earl appreciate the "performance art?"

Cameron said...

The other night, my poor sick daughter got in bed with me and the old lady....just as everybody was ALMOST asleep, I ripped a massive one, then proceeded to giggle like a schoolgirl for 1/2 hour. Even my daughter was saying, "Stop laughing daddy, that's not funny."

Joyless Prole said...

'A bouquet of rectums set on fire and put out with toilet water'

You are on fire lately. maybe literally. I need to remember some of the gems you have been putting out lately. Hmm, that sounds bad, considering the post.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

In the immortal words of the late great George Carlin, "Farts are funny, farts are fun, farts are a fact of life."

kudos to you for embracing your inner 11 year-old boy.

honkeie2 said...

You were the ass terrorist of the Booty Barn! hahahaa I love any woman that admits to farting!

Dr Zibbs said...

What's the policy if you fart on someone while giving lap dance?

All This Trouble... said...

As a nurse, I enjoy all the booty humor you can sling at me. And I should've told you to pick up some Beano before visitng those vegans.

Prunella Jones said...

Farting during a lap dance is known as "The Tennessee Tooter" and costs extra, obviously.

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks for clarifying.

Phat Mama said...

Honestly, Pru.. I am sat here, eating a bowl of cereal and had to..

1. Put it down before I dropped it into my considerable cleavage.

2. Sprayed milk and coco pebbles through my nose.

*Chocolate boogers are sexy.

This is the funniest shit (pardon the pun) I have read in forever!

I've been chatting with the same group of 50 or so people for about 12 years & I am going to paste this entire post to them. I'm going to email it to family & friends.

"room smelled like hot shitty ass." - fucking classic!

It reminded me to do a blog post soon about the time I ate one of my hubbies farts. Not willingly, let it be said. Stay tuned for that because when I do it, I'm referencing this post on your blog as my inspiration.

Love you & your stinky ass!

fashion herald said...

beans from a can=farts, raw beans you soak and cook yourself=no farts!

Cheasty said...

Oh my god, dying here. rolling around on the floor guffawing. hey next time you want to try another fart-like-a-motherfucker stunt, try eating an enormous quantity of Red Vines and see what happens. Or a sweet potato and black bean burrito. woo-wheee!

Jang-chub Ozer said...

Talking cosmetics - you could have a potential stop motion youtube thing there!