Help!

If you are looking for Prunella Jones then I'm sorry to tell you that it is too late. I just attacked and ate her brain minutes after she finished painting me. It was tasty, although a little on the small side. More of a snack then a meal I'd say. Well, let this be a lesson to you, kids. Never try to zombify your garden gnomes because you never know what might happen......do you? (cue demented laughter)

Sorry to be so quiet lately, I'm feeling a little run down. It's so cold and wet here and depressing. And I've been really busy. I spent the past week trying to get my tax stuff together (always a nightmare for someone as unorganized as myself) and turning all three Jonas Brothers into men. Now I'm just plum tuckered out.






The last pic you will ever see of the boys with their "purity" rings on. Heh heh.

Maybe I need some more vitamins or something?

Hottest New Looks for 2009

Fashion forecast for 2009? Sizzling hawt! Today Gossip Girl Blake Lively shows off the newest trends.








Hope and Change are in the air and they're wildly flattering! Obama Chic can turn a boring black outfit positively presidential. These are accessories you can believe in.

Barock-n-roll hat, $218. Obama vodka $20.








Here's a question. Do you assume that recession = style depression? That's a misimpression that needs a quick correction! Just add a geometric progression to your custom configuration and create a new obsession with your gorgeous dress expression!

Did that sentence make sense? Of course not. So why should your clothes? Duh.

Kitschy Walmart belt $861. Hypnotic dress by You Are Getting Sleepier $9,027.99.






Hey, hey! Who doesn't love a clown? Well, except for those people who find them terrifying, of course. But who cares about them? They are probably ugly anyway. And poor. Bright, fun clown elegance will have the world pointing and laughing this Spring.

"Demented" eyeglasses $679. Rainbow wig $1,012.








Hsssssssss. Cha-Ka like! You don't need to fall through a time doorway to know that a spicy Sleestack mask will add a dash of urban sophistication to the most boring formal bathing suit.

Bathing suit $912. Sleestack mask by Enik, price given by request.

Hey Mr. President!

What a great day!






I have to admit, I really enjoyed seeing this.

The Stars: What Are They Really Like?

A rare glimpse into the private lives of Victoria and David Beckham. Check it out.








"Ugh, my stomach! Why did I eat all those beans? I should quit watching wrestling because I simply can't enjoy Smackdown without a big pot of yummy beanie goodness. Or four. Blimey, the Beano is doing nothing for this horrible gas.....oh, oh......BEEEEEEELCH....ahhh much better."







"Oh dear, I suppose I'd better tidy up a bit. David will be home soon. God, this room smells like ass! Whew, whatever did I do with the Lysol?"









"Ahhh so lovely to be at home in my own comfy bed. Now, Mr. Woogims and I can relax and watch Gossip Girl and ....(sniff, sniff).....oh my, it smells like Vicki has been at the beans again. Oh, I hope she saved me some! Vicki! Vicki darling, have we any beans left?"



Wow. Who would have thought the Beckham's would be so obsessed with beans? I never would have guessed, would you?

The Course Of True Love Etc....Part 2

God, it takes me forever to get anything done, I swear! Why am I so lame? (sigh)

Anyway, back to the story...



So, yeah, after feeling a tap on my shoulder I turned to find the hot guy standing there smiling at me. He was even hotter up close.



He was so beautiful, so pale and perfect. His dazzling face was friendly, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. "Hi," he said.





"How's it going," I answered, trying to be cool but probably not succeeding.

We started to chat, and I was even more impressed. He was smart and funny. You know what a sucker I am for funny. He was enchanting. Yeah, I was all into him.





Mama liked! Very much!




We spent the next few hours talking and laughing over a couple of drinks.






Then we danced and I was amazed at how graceful and rhythmic he was despite being a white guy. He could really shake that perfect booty!




And he was enormously, almost inhumanly strong! I was nearly killed when - in a freak accident - the bartender knocked over a keg of beer and it came rolling towards me. I saw it as it was happening but before I could even react, two long white hands shot out protectively in front of me and prevented the keg from smashing into my shin.



"You saved my life!" I said. "Or at least my kneecap. Thank you!"



And then I kissed him.




And things got heavy.





Until he suddenly pushed me away with a pained look. "I shouldn't do this. You really should stay away from me," he said.

"What...why?" I asked.

"It's just....it's not safe," he groaned.



"I like you too much to put your life in jeopardy. And unfortunately it would be if you and I were together."




At first I was confused.



And a bit annoyed.




But then I started thinking about it and I realized what was going on. His enormous strength, his extreme beauty, and his reluctance to get it on with me all added up to one thing.

"You're a vampire, aren't you?" I said.



"What?" he looked surprised.

"It's okay," I told him. "You don't have to worry. Go ahead and bite me. I don't mind becoming a vampire, in fact I'd welcome it. I wouldn't have to work anymore and getting to stay young and cute for eternity would be great. Also I'm a night person anyway. So yeah, I'm ready. Let's do this thing."



I was all excited. I mean, shit, who wouldn't want to be a vampire? The only downer would be the drinking blood part, but really in my mind the benefits outweigh the negatives.



He gave me a surprised look.



Then sadly shook his head. "Ummm....no Pru, that's not it. I wish it was. that would be cool. No, ummm....the trouble is that my ex-girlfriend is a psycho. She stalks me all the time and as soon as I try to get with someone new she turns violent."

Then before I could figure out what to make of that, he gave a gasp of dismay.




"Oh shit."



"Fuck, there she is! Run Prunella run!"

Well, when someone tells me to run I don't hesitate. I took off like a flash but tripped over my four inch heels. When I looked up I saw this in front of me.




And the next thing I knew, I was flying forward into a wall.





Dammit, it really sucked. Why can't I meet a nice vampire to take me away from all this?

Prunella Jones's Diary

Thursday 8 January

128 pounds (but I was wearing shoes), alcohol units 1 (I think anyway. How do you measure alcohol in units? I had one glass of wine with dinner to make the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese taste better), cigarettes 0 (I don't smoke....well, not cigarettes anyway), drugs 1 Adderall, supplements 5 (Vitamins B, C, E, Tyrosine, and Melatonin), calories ??? (I don't know how to calculate that crap!)


Food Consumed Yesterday

2 pieces of whole grain toast slathered with Kerrygold butter (mmmm I love Kerrygold butter, it's the champion of butters)

Special K cereal with half-n-half

coffee, lots

2 tangerines

salad with mega croutons

butternut squash soup

tea, lots

coffee flavored soy milk

assorted leftovers (Week old mac cheese is still good, right? Right. Processed shit is full of preservatives.)

wine

Pims raspberry filled chocolate cookies, lots




Noon. Nashville: My pad. Ugh. My vegan diet has gone to shit. Cannot resist the butter. And cream. And fat in general. Must cut this out as belly will soon be oozing over my jeans. Heck, at the rate I'm going I will shortly resemble the Kool-Aid man in a thong.

"Hey, hey, who wants Kool-Aid, bitches? Oh yeah!"

Picked up Mom from the airport last night. She was all tanned and rested looking from spending a month in San Diego while I am pale as paste. Cannot believe I am jealous of my own mother. Also, am very annoyed with her. I had asked her to bring me back a souvenir. I was thinking like a flowered skull or Day of the Dead figurine or something like that. You know what she brought me? A 2009 Cat calendar! (I totally know she got it from the Dollar Store!) That's it! I don't care if the woman did suffer through 18 hours of non-stop pain to give birth to me. I'm so going to put her in the cheapo nursing home.

Shirley brought a dead rat into the house the other day and left it as a present for me outside my bedroom. I nearly stepped on it when I awoke and bumbled open the door on my quest for caffeine.

At first I thought I was hallucinating. WTF? It was very long and skinny and unmistakeably ratty. Looking at it made the hairs on the back of my neck shiver and bile rise up in my throat. What is it about rats that make them so loathsome?

Shirley appeared at that moment, wagging her tail with pride. She was probably thinking, "Here you go, Pru. Isn't great?" It must have been already dead when she found it because there is no way she could have killed that thing. It would have torn her to pieces. The Orkin man was here the other day putting down poison under the house so that must have been it.

I grabbed a dustpan and broom and gingerly scooped up the icky rodent and then stood there trying to think how best to dispose of it. If I put it back out in the yard, Shirley would just go find it again. I didn't want to put it in my trash can because....ewwww. What to do, what to do?

Suddenly it dawned on me. I knew just where to put it. Stuffing my feet into some shoes, I took a quick peek out the window to make sure the coast was clear. Hot damn, it was! So then - cackling to myself all the while - I gleefully sprinted over to my Bitch-faced neighbor's house and placed ratty on her doorstep. Merry Belated Christmas you smug Ho! Hope you liked your gift!

Now everytime I think about her Juicy sweatsuit-wearing ass discovering a dead rodent on her fancy Welcome mat I nearly piss myself with delight. Am truly an awful, awful person. Must work on that. (Yeah, I'll get right on it.)

When Nail Polish Turns Fascist

Five Santas In My House

1. Robot Santa - Isn't he cute?






2. Big Booty Santa - Check out all the junk in his trunk. That ass so big he can't even stand upright by himself, he has to lean on his friend, Big Hairy Daddy Bear Santa.




3. BHDB Santa aka Macho Beard - The guys from ZZ Top only wish they could grow a beard like that.





4. New Age Santa - okay, this one isn't actually in my house. I spotted him at the thrift store. From his outfit I assumed he was a Kwanza decoration or something but no, he was labeled as Hippie Santa. I still think you could pass him off as a Kwanza Claus if you wanted to. I was all set to buy him until I noticed the price was $5.00. $5.00!!! Sniff. Only the rich can afford to be hippies nowadays.



And of course, my favorite ---



5. Satan Clause - He'd rather you be naughty than nice, which is why he's my favorite.