Friday, January 16, 2009

The Course Of True Love Etc....Part 2

God, it takes me forever to get anything done, I swear! Why am I so lame? (sigh)

Anyway, back to the story...

Free Smileys

So, yeah, after feeling a tap on my shoulder I turned to find the hot guy standing there smiling at me. He was even hotter up close.

Free Smileys

He was so beautiful, so pale and perfect. His dazzling face was friendly, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. "Hi," he said.

Free Smileys

"How's it going," I answered, trying to be cool but probably not succeeding.

We started to chat, and I was even more impressed. He was smart and funny. You know what a sucker I am for funny. He was enchanting. Yeah, I was all into him.

Free Smileys

Mama liked! Very much!

Free Smileys

We spent the next few hours talking and laughing over a couple of drinks.

Free Smileys

Free Smileys

Then we danced and I was amazed at how graceful and rhythmic he was despite being a white guy. He could really shake that perfect booty!

Free Smileys

And he was enormously, almost inhumanly strong! I was nearly killed when - in a freak accident - the bartender knocked over a keg of beer and it came rolling towards me. I saw it as it was happening but before I could even react, two long white hands shot out protectively in front of me and prevented the keg from smashing into my shin.

Free Smileys

"You saved my life!" I said. "Or at least my kneecap. Thank you!"

Free Smileys

And then I kissed him.

Free Smileys

And things got heavy.

Free Smileys

Until he suddenly pushed me away with a pained look. "I shouldn't do this. You really should stay away from me," he said.

"What...why?" I asked.

"It's's not safe," he groaned.

Free Smileys

"I like you too much to put your life in jeopardy. And unfortunately it would be if you and I were together."

Free Smileys

At first I was confused.

Free Smileys

And a bit annoyed.

Free Smileys

But then I started thinking about it and I realized what was going on. His enormous strength, his extreme beauty, and his reluctance to get it on with me all added up to one thing.

"You're a vampire, aren't you?" I said.

Free Smileys

"What?" he looked surprised.

"It's okay," I told him. "You don't have to worry. Go ahead and bite me. I don't mind becoming a vampire, in fact I'd welcome it. I wouldn't have to work anymore and getting to stay young and cute for eternity would be great. Also I'm a night person anyway. So yeah, I'm ready. Let's do this thing."

Free Smileys

I was all excited. I mean, shit, who wouldn't want to be a vampire? The only downer would be the drinking blood part, but really in my mind the benefits outweigh the negatives.

Free Smileys

He gave me a surprised look.

Free Smileys

Then sadly shook his head. " Pru, that's not it. I wish it was. that would be cool. No, ummm....the trouble is that my ex-girlfriend is a psycho. She stalks me all the time and as soon as I try to get with someone new she turns violent."

Then before I could figure out what to make of that, he gave a gasp of dismay.

"Oh shit."

Free Smileys

"Fuck, there she is! Run Prunella run!"

Well, when someone tells me to run I don't hesitate. I took off like a flash but tripped over my four inch heels. When I looked up I saw this in front of me.

And the next thing I knew, I was flying forward into a wall.

Dammit, it really sucked. Why can't I meet a nice vampire to take me away from all this?


Lulu LaBonne said...

Guys are the pits - what I'd give for nice devil to take me to the flames of hell and out of the freezing cold.

Great story!

Cheasty said...

Oh, that just made my day. Thanks for making me laugh out loud, every time I come to your site!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Being a vampire would be cool. I mean you could probably mix kool aid with the blood to you know get some variety.

Bill Stankus said...

Thank god it was only a psycho ex-girlfriend ... he could've had perpetual flatulence instead.

me said...

wow. que un smiley story! :)
vampires don't seem all that bad...

xl said...

Psycho ex or vampire ... you might want to keep a wooden stake handy in either case.

Captain Smack said...

Damn. That sucks that you didn't get to be a vampire. Then I would've been able to ask you a question that's been bugging me for years. Do vampires ever have to pee? You'd think they would, all that blood they drink, but you never see them going to the bathroom.

Prunella Jones said...

Lulu- Hell is beautiful this time of year. Of course, the food is terrible and it's full of politicians.

Cheasty- thank you! It's so great to find others who share my warped sense of humor.

Ron- Kool-aid? F that shit, Thunderbird wine is a great blood replacement. It works for bums anyway.

Bill- well, if everything else is all good I could deal with some flatulence. I can always light a match or two before we got busy.

Me- ooo lala ze vampires zay are fierce! And very "in" right now. At least, the sparkling ones are.

XL- excellent advice! Unfortunately I don't have a wooden stake. I do always carry around a rusty swiss army knife tho. Don't mess with me man, I'll scratch ya good!

Capt- hmmmm that's a good question. I would guess no, as they are supposed to be - at least technically - dead, right? And dead people don't pee. Altho, my uncle who is a mortician tells me that they do fart.

Helen said...

How do vampires get away with not working? I never understood that. I mean the not paying for food I understand, but unless you live in a cave like the Lost Boys (ha ha, "death by stereo") you'd still have bills, wouldn't you? Or do they just live off this secret vampire trust account?

WendyB said...

I thought you would have learned to stay away from Paul McCartney after the previous Heather attack.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least he didn't say..."I'm gay..."
Don't give up! Maybe look for a werewolf...
:) said...

Now I'm terrified that after I'm dead, and laying up on the slab, I'm gonna fart.

All This Trouble... said...

You know, stalkers get a bad rap. It's all born of extreme love and devotion....

I don't understand why people don't embrace it more...

fashion herald said...

grrr, I totally thought he was a vampire too! or werewolf, b/c they're hot too, right? damn unpredictable story lines!