Friday, January 09, 2009
Prunella Jones's Diary
Thursday 8 January
128 pounds (but I was wearing shoes), alcohol units 1 (I think anyway. How do you measure alcohol in units? I had one glass of wine with dinner to make the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese taste better), cigarettes 0 (I don't smoke....well, not cigarettes anyway), drugs 1 Adderall, supplements 5 (Vitamins B, C, E, Tyrosine, and Melatonin), calories ??? (I don't know how to calculate that crap!)
Food Consumed Yesterday
2 pieces of whole grain toast slathered with Kerrygold butter (mmmm I love Kerrygold butter, it's the champion of butters)
Special K cereal with half-n-half
salad with mega croutons
butternut squash soup
coffee flavored soy milk
assorted leftovers (Week old mac cheese is still good, right? Right. Processed shit is full of preservatives.)
Pims raspberry filled chocolate cookies, lots
Noon. Nashville: My pad. Ugh. My vegan diet has gone to shit. Cannot resist the butter. And cream. And fat in general. Must cut this out as belly will soon be oozing over my jeans. Heck, at the rate I'm going I will shortly resemble the Kool-Aid man in a thong.
"Hey, hey, who wants Kool-Aid, bitches? Oh yeah!"
Picked up Mom from the airport last night. She was all tanned and rested looking from spending a month in San Diego while I am pale as paste. Cannot believe I am jealous of my own mother. Also, am very annoyed with her. I had asked her to bring me back a souvenir. I was thinking like a flowered skull or Day of the Dead figurine or something like that. You know what she brought me? A 2009 Cat calendar! (I totally know she got it from the Dollar Store!) That's it! I don't care if the woman did suffer through 18 hours of non-stop pain to give birth to me. I'm so going to put her in the cheapo nursing home.
Shirley brought a dead rat into the house the other day and left it as a present for me outside my bedroom. I nearly stepped on it when I awoke and bumbled open the door on my quest for caffeine.
At first I thought I was hallucinating. WTF? It was very long and skinny and unmistakeably ratty. Looking at it made the hairs on the back of my neck shiver and bile rise up in my throat. What is it about rats that make them so loathsome?
Shirley appeared at that moment, wagging her tail with pride. She was probably thinking, "Here you go, Pru. Isn't great?" It must have been already dead when she found it because there is no way she could have killed that thing. It would have torn her to pieces. The Orkin man was here the other day putting down poison under the house so that must have been it.
I grabbed a dustpan and broom and gingerly scooped up the icky rodent and then stood there trying to think how best to dispose of it. If I put it back out in the yard, Shirley would just go find it again. I didn't want to put it in my trash can because....ewwww. What to do, what to do?
Suddenly it dawned on me. I knew just where to put it. Stuffing my feet into some shoes, I took a quick peek out the window to make sure the coast was clear. Hot damn, it was! So then - cackling to myself all the while - I gleefully sprinted over to my Bitch-faced neighbor's house and placed ratty on her doorstep. Merry Belated Christmas you smug Ho! Hope you liked your gift!
Now everytime I think about her Juicy sweatsuit-wearing ass discovering a dead rodent on her fancy Welcome mat I nearly piss myself with delight. Am truly an awful, awful person. Must work on that. (Yeah, I'll get right on it.)