Friday, January 09, 2009

Prunella Jones's Diary

Blinkie Maker


Thursday 8 January

128 pounds (but I was wearing shoes), alcohol units 1 (I think anyway. How do you measure alcohol in units? I had one glass of wine with dinner to make the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese taste better), cigarettes 0 (I don't smoke....well, not cigarettes anyway), drugs 1 Adderall, supplements 5 (Vitamins B, C, E, Tyrosine, and Melatonin), calories ??? (I don't know how to calculate that crap!)


Food Consumed Yesterday

2 pieces of whole grain toast slathered with Kerrygold butter (mmmm I love Kerrygold butter, it's the champion of butters)

Special K cereal with half-n-half

coffee, lots

2 tangerines

salad with mega croutons

butternut squash soup

tea, lots

coffee flavored soy milk

assorted leftovers (Week old mac cheese is still good, right? Right. Processed shit is full of preservatives.)

wine

Pims raspberry filled chocolate cookies, lots




Noon. Nashville: My pad. Ugh. My vegan diet has gone to shit. Cannot resist the butter. And cream. And fat in general. Must cut this out as belly will soon be oozing over my jeans. Heck, at the rate I'm going I will shortly resemble the Kool-Aid man in a thong.

"Hey, hey, who wants Kool-Aid, bitches? Oh yeah!"

Picked up Mom from the airport last night. She was all tanned and rested looking from spending a month in San Diego while I am pale as paste. Cannot believe I am jealous of my own mother. Also, am very annoyed with her. I had asked her to bring me back a souvenir. I was thinking like a flowered skull or Day of the Dead figurine or something like that. You know what she brought me? A 2009 Cat calendar! (I totally know she got it from the Dollar Store!) That's it! I don't care if the woman did suffer through 18 hours of non-stop pain to give birth to me. I'm so going to put her in the cheapo nursing home.

Shirley brought a dead rat into the house the other day and left it as a present for me outside my bedroom. I nearly stepped on it when I awoke and bumbled open the door on my quest for caffeine.

At first I thought I was hallucinating. WTF? It was very long and skinny and unmistakeably ratty. Looking at it made the hairs on the back of my neck shiver and bile rise up in my throat. What is it about rats that make them so loathsome?

Shirley appeared at that moment, wagging her tail with pride. She was probably thinking, "Here you go, Pru. Isn't great?" It must have been already dead when she found it because there is no way she could have killed that thing. It would have torn her to pieces. The Orkin man was here the other day putting down poison under the house so that must have been it.

I grabbed a dustpan and broom and gingerly scooped up the icky rodent and then stood there trying to think how best to dispose of it. If I put it back out in the yard, Shirley would just go find it again. I didn't want to put it in my trash can because....ewwww. What to do, what to do?

Suddenly it dawned on me. I knew just where to put it. Stuffing my feet into some shoes, I took a quick peek out the window to make sure the coast was clear. Hot damn, it was! So then - cackling to myself all the while - I gleefully sprinted over to my Bitch-faced neighbor's house and placed ratty on her doorstep. Merry Belated Christmas you smug Ho! Hope you liked your gift!

Now everytime I think about her Juicy sweatsuit-wearing ass discovering a dead rodent on her fancy Welcome mat I nearly piss myself with delight. Am truly an awful, awful person. Must work on that. (Yeah, I'll get right on it.)

15 comments:

xl said...

Naw. A truely awful, awful person would have also left the cat calendar with the rat!

Prunella Jones said...

D'oh! Good one.

Bill Stankus said...

I'm not sure it qualifies as a Christmas present unless you put a red bow on it.

Prunella Jones said...

Dammit, you're right. I should've wrapped it up.

Diane said...

I always put my dead rats in the trash can. If it looks like Shirley might be able to catch the one big fat gray rat that is terrorizing me and resisting all attempts to kill it, please ship her to So Cal.

fashion herald said...

i always wondered wtf was a unit too! and why couldn't they translate for us yankees?

Captain Smack said...

I have a friend who actually gave someone a rat (a live one) for Christmas. Not kidding. And they loved it. They named it "Gyro".

Lulu LaBonne said...

Shirley must've heard you complaining that they don't do any rat-catching. Careful what you wish for.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Vegan? What's that? Is that like when you cut back on eating bacon?

Cheasty said...

ha! that's awesome, and i'm sure totally what bitchy neighbor deserves. our dogs dig up half rotted squirrel carcasses from the woods, so if you want, next time they're carrying maggoty dead things around in their mouth, i'll send htem over to your neighbor's house too!

MsPuddin said...

Honestly who eats like that? dont you get an off day when you can splurge on vodka-tinis and cookie dough??

WendyB said...

Your rat solution was a stroke of genius.

Krissyface said...

oh my god, now you have to sit outside bitchface neighbor's house in a chaise sippin kool aid and/or coffee flavored soy milk (?? where to obtain?) and wait for her reaction. Oh, I simply cannot wait.

UBERMOUTH said...

I have had rats as pets. They are wonderful, gentle, cuddly and very affectionate. They are also very loyal and often die of heart break if given away, once attached to someone.

They are also extremely intelligent.

me said...

eehhh!
you are wonderfully devious. i like it...