Thursday, April 24, 2008

Why Do I Carry So Much Freakin Crap Around In My Purse?

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This is my purse. It's not very big, but it's pretty damn heavy. That's no surprise, I guess, seeing how it is stuffed full to bursting with things that I really don't need to be carrying around with me. How does this always happen? Whenever I change bags I start off with nothing but my keys, wallet, checkbook, tampons, and maybe a lip balm, but somehow or the other I start to aquire things until it's as weighty as a boulder. My handbag is like my own private Sisyphus's rock, and someday it will crush me. Or at least cause major back problems.

Here is list of what I'm hauling around today besides the wallet, checkbook, cell phone, etc..

1. A hardback book. (I usually carry a book around with me at all times as I am terrified of being stuck somewhere with nothing to read. This one is called The Center Cannot Hold - by Elyn Saks and it's about one woman's struggle with schizophrenia. It's a really riveting read.)

2. Clear scotch tape.

3. Gum.

4. Earplugs. (I bring them to wear when I go out to concerts in an effort to save my hearing, but never bother to put them in.)

5. Hair trimming scissors. (Why are they in my bag? I don't remember.)

6. Kleenex.

7. 1 teabag, Lady Grey flavor.

8. Fruit flavored Mentos. (They are the freshmaker!)

9. My lucky rock.

10. A bottle opener/corkscrew/knife thingee.

11. Tarot cards.

12. 1 and 1/2 Lara bars.

13. Billy Bragg CD case (no CD inside the case).

14. My address book. (So that's where it was! I was looking for that sucker.)

15. A cheap bracelet from Target (just in case I feel a sudden need to accessorise).

16. Nail polish. (Why? You just know it's going to break and spill all over everything.)

17. False eyelashes.

18. A polishing cloth for glasses.

19. My purple librarian glasses without the case. (I lost it somewhere.)

20. A lucky blue dot torn out of a National Enquirer. You are supposed to rub it and it will bring money to you. Hasn't worked yet, but I am ever hopeful.

21. Dark chocolate covered graham crackers.

22. Junk mail.

23. Old lists of stuff to do that I probably didn't.

24. A box of homeopatic calming drops. I don't know if they work as I've never opened the box, but it's comforting to have them with me just in case I freak out or something.

25. An Itunes download of the Into the Wild soundtrack. I need to download that thing today!

26. Burt's Bees lip balm (my favorite).

27. A little skeleton figurine riding a motorcycle. (I bought it at Goodwill a couple of weeks ago for fifty cents.)

28. 17 ATM receipts.

29. 1 coupon good for $3 off dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant (expired of course).

30. 1 little plastic grey alien figure that I bought for a quarter out of a machine. Her name is Gleep, and she often commands me to set things on fire.

31. My digital camera.

32. Assorted pens and eyeliners.

No wonder my shoulders are always sore! I just weighed myself holding this thing and it is five and a half pounds. I'm an idiot. And did you notice that there are no tampons in the bag? Naturally, the one thing that I would actually want to have with me when I leave the house is not there. Yep ladies, I'm the girl that hits you up for a pad or tampon or whatever you've got when you're trying to do your business in the restroom. Sorry about that.

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Look at all this crud!

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What's that, Gleep? I should do what? I couldn't! They are my internet friends..I..I..don't want to harm them. Please don't make me!


Anonymous said...

Your purse is your personal sisyphus's rock? Brillant. But then you always are.

You have quite the scavenger hunt in your purse. I had comments for several of the items but I have forgotten them in ADD fashion by reading all the other ones. I bet the glasses are sexy, though. You should put on the glasses, do your names, and give us all a taro reading. But please don't kill us.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

"GLEEP HAS SPOKEN" Far be it for me to contradict the gleep, I must go now and buy 25 gallons of lighter fluid and 1 bic lighter. Oh and some marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate... I don't think the gleep would object to that do you?

Princess of the Universe said...

Might I recommend a soft cover instead?
Can you do a virtual tarot reading for me?

MsPuddin said...
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Prunella Jones said...

Mister U- kill you? Why, of course not! I would never do anything of the sort. But, you know, Gleep, well she's kinda scary. (whispers) Be careful, Mister U. She knows where you live!

Ron- mmmm sounds Smorestastic. Can I share with you? We could sit around the fire singing Kumbaya and throw my junk mail into the flames.

MsPuddin said...

In case of emergency, bring prune juice's purse...

Prunella Jones said...

Princess- paperbacks are a lot easier on the back.

I could try a virtual reading. It would probably be about as helpful as one of those psychic hotlines. How I miss Miss Cleo!

Prunella Jones said...

Ms. Puddin- too bad there is nothing practical in there. Note to self: get a fire extinguisher to put in purse.

Prunella Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WendyB said...

I often end up standing/sitting behind someone with bad split ends and wishing I had trimming scissors. Trim away, I say!

LA said...

Burt's Bees is the bees knees. Instead of a book, I carry knitting. And an array of eyewear.

I love that you carry a lucky rock. said...

I wish we could buy hot designer purses on wheels.

Krissyface said...

what, no tweezers? I thought you were the wild plucker, like me!

C said...

don't go to the airport with all those sharp objects - then you'll wish you had tampons to double as ear plugs when they put you in jail.

GetFlix said...

And no pocket rocket?

OneHungMan said...

OneHung figured your back shoulders hurt because of those hunormous breastages you lug around.

D. Prince said...

Love your purse and everything in it!

xl said...

Purse looks a bit like a letter carrier's bag. Please, don't you and Gleep go all postal on us. Thank you.


24. A box of homeopatic calming drops. I don't know if they work as I've never opened the box, but it's comforting to have them with me just in case I freak out or something.

hahahaha..maybe you should ditch the scisors.
Great post Pru!

prettykitty said... i have that blue dot too! obviously, we have cancelled each other's luck out.

Diane said...

you must download Into the Wild NOW

LarryLilly said...

I dont see a 9MM, so what is so heavy?


Helen said...

Pru, I think you got gipped on the old skeleton on the motorcycle, mine came out of a plastic egg in 1992 for a quarter. And considering depreciation, the old ladies at Goodwill should have paid you a quarter to take it.