Thursday, April 24, 2008
Why Do I Carry So Much Freakin Crap Around In My Purse?
This is my purse. It's not very big, but it's pretty damn heavy. That's no surprise, I guess, seeing how it is stuffed full to bursting with things that I really don't need to be carrying around with me. How does this always happen? Whenever I change bags I start off with nothing but my keys, wallet, checkbook, tampons, and maybe a lip balm, but somehow or the other I start to aquire things until it's as weighty as a boulder. My handbag is like my own private Sisyphus's rock, and someday it will crush me. Or at least cause major back problems.
Here is list of what I'm hauling around today besides the wallet, checkbook, cell phone, etc..
1. A hardback book. (I usually carry a book around with me at all times as I am terrified of being stuck somewhere with nothing to read. This one is called The Center Cannot Hold - by Elyn Saks and it's about one woman's struggle with schizophrenia. It's a really riveting read.)
2. Clear scotch tape.
4. Earplugs. (I bring them to wear when I go out to concerts in an effort to save my hearing, but never bother to put them in.)
5. Hair trimming scissors. (Why are they in my bag? I don't remember.)
7. 1 teabag, Lady Grey flavor.
8. Fruit flavored Mentos. (They are the freshmaker!)
9. My lucky rock.
10. A bottle opener/corkscrew/knife thingee.
11. Tarot cards.
12. 1 and 1/2 Lara bars.
13. Billy Bragg CD case (no CD inside the case).
14. My address book. (So that's where it was! I was looking for that sucker.)
15. A cheap bracelet from Target (just in case I feel a sudden need to accessorise).
16. Nail polish. (Why? You just know it's going to break and spill all over everything.)
17. False eyelashes.
18. A polishing cloth for glasses.
19. My purple librarian glasses without the case. (I lost it somewhere.)
20. A lucky blue dot torn out of a National Enquirer. You are supposed to rub it and it will bring money to you. Hasn't worked yet, but I am ever hopeful.
21. Dark chocolate covered graham crackers.
22. Junk mail.
23. Old lists of stuff to do that I probably didn't.
24. A box of homeopatic calming drops. I don't know if they work as I've never opened the box, but it's comforting to have them with me just in case I freak out or something.
25. An Itunes download of the Into the Wild soundtrack. I need to download that thing today!
26. Burt's Bees lip balm (my favorite).
27. A little skeleton figurine riding a motorcycle. (I bought it at Goodwill a couple of weeks ago for fifty cents.)
28. 17 ATM receipts.
29. 1 coupon good for $3 off dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant (expired of course).
30. 1 little plastic grey alien figure that I bought for a quarter out of a machine. Her name is Gleep, and she often commands me to set things on fire.
31. My digital camera.
32. Assorted pens and eyeliners.
No wonder my shoulders are always sore! I just weighed myself holding this thing and it is five and a half pounds. I'm an idiot. And did you notice that there are no tampons in the bag? Naturally, the one thing that I would actually want to have with me when I leave the house is not there. Yep ladies, I'm the girl that hits you up for a pad or tampon or whatever you've got when you're trying to do your business in the restroom. Sorry about that.
Look at all this crud!
What's that, Gleep? I should do what?....No....no I couldn't! They are my internet friends..I..I..don't want to harm them. Please don't make me!