Monday, January 07, 2008

Let's Make Lists

5 things I wrote about my boss on the wall of the employee's bathroom before I got fired

1. Kevin is a dildo.

2. Kevin is a fuckweasel.

3. Kevin likes to fart in his hand and then sniff his fingers. I've seen him do it.

4. For a good time call 1-800-ISUK-HARD ask for Kevin.

5. There was a young man named Kevin.
Who had an I.Q. of eleven.
He would fart in his hand
and sniff there quite grand
as he thought that his farts smelled like heaven.




8 things I call my mother besides mom

1. Mumsy

2. Senora Sassy Ass

3. The Amazing Rump Shaking Granny

4. Old Hag

5. Old Bag

6. Sexy Sarah the Sluttiest Old Bag in Nashville

7. She Who Once Flogged Me with a Dishtowel When I was Eight for Calling Her Meatloaf Puketastic

8. Sarahalious Definition Make Old Men Go Loco



5 things people were googling when they found my blog

1. Shirley Manson pooping

2. jello boobs

3. satan in a thong

4. poopsock

5. how to make my prunella cream



7 possible things that could be making those creepy scratching noises on my bedroom window at 3:00 A.M.

1. the wind moving a tree branch against the glass

2. a man with hooks for hands and rape on his mind

3. rabid raccoons

4. zombies

5. my doppleganger coming to murder me and assume my identity

6. there is no noise I'm imagining it

7. a clown

35 comments:

Princess of the Universe said...

You linked me - yay! Except it doesn't work- boo!

I definitely think it's your doppelganger- or maybe Gwyneth Paltrow.

muse said...

Oh I love lists, too! Good Ex-boss list.

Prunella Jones said...

Princess- ooops, sorry about that. I fixed it.

Muse- I could write a list of things I love about writing lists.

Princess of the Universe said...

Pru- I gave you an award too! Come by and see!

WendyB said...

Meatloaf Puketastic!
*applauds*

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Shirley Manson poops songs.

GetFlix said...

You should market Prunella Cream. It sounds like a refreshing soft drink based on some old Southern recipe.

Mister Underhill said...

Just how do I make my prunella cream? Shall I put on my viking costume? Might be a good start.

Mister Underhill said...

You know, the biggest mistake I ever made was feeding that clown on the street that time. Then soon she had a littler or clowns and soon there were little clowns always peering in the window or trying to come in while I was taking a bath.

Mister Underhill said...

and hitting my guests with their poopsocks. Sigh.

I am not sure why I left three comments. I have premature comment disorder today, but I am ready to comment again just couple minutes later so hopefully I can still fulfill your needs.

Rebecca said...

I love Shirley Manson! And why is she being searched for with poop?

marky said...

Damn funny. Outstanding start to 2008. Looks like you got rid of the holiday blues. Love your mom names, she gotta be cool shit.

sid said...

I can see why princess of the universe gave you an award.

MsPuddin said...

How do you find out what people are googling? I don’t know what is better what they were googling, “jello boobs,” “satan in a thong” or the links to your blog…lol @ 1-800-ISUK-HARD I don’t know why that is so funny…

PS- there is no noise, you re crazy…(does that help?)

kookla100 said...

Fired? It's not like you wrote it on the wall of your boss' office.

I call my mom Yoda. She even talks in a sing songy backward language.

Is googling another name for spanking it?

You do realize that 3:00 a.m. is the witching hour, don't you?

Sudiegirl said...

Poopsocks?

I'm WAY out of the loop.

How about poop smoothie with prunella cream?

M-M-M-Mishy said...

Its so strange. Everytime I try to find sites devoted to jello boobs, I just get rerouted here...

BUMBLE!!! said...

Maybe you should google Shirley Manson pooping and see how far down the list you actually are.

It's amazing what people look for on the web.

I worry about my fellow creatures.

Prunella Jones said...

Wendyb- I don't like meatloaf anyway but hers is just not good.

Brenda- maybe so. That one was a head scratcher but it made me laugh.

GF- what would it be made with? How about diet root beer, half and half, and a shot of Baileys? Try the new Prunella Cream it's puketastic!

Mister U- as you know, it takes more than one man to fulfill my needs. What can I say, I'm insatiable.

And I'm totally talking about blogging here, not anything dirty. You little filthy mind!

P.S. A viking costume would totally melt my panties right off.

Rebecca- I have no idea, but that is why I love to see what people are googling. I can only imagine what is going on in their brains when they google something like Shirley Manson pooping and it makes me laugh like crazy.

Marky- thanks! My mom is cool, or at least, she's used to my bad behavior. She's pretty much unshockable now.

Sid- why thank you! That's really awesome of you to leave such a nice comment.

Mspuddin- the entire reason I got a sitemeter (see bottom of page) is to find out what google searches bring people to my blog. I'm nosy like that.

That's good news about the crazy. I've always suspected it anyway and it's much better than a hook-handed man at the window.

Kookla- well I sort of wrote it all over the restaurant but especially the bathroom wall. But in my defence he was a dildo.

Your mother very much likes that name, she does hmmm?

Yes

No the witching hour is a midnight. 3AM is the nail biting hour.

Sudie - I don't get the poopsocks either. And why would googling it bring them here?

Mish- well they say to write what you know.

Bumble- I did try that just now. Thanks to this post I am now number five on the very first page. Huzzah!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

So I googled Shirley Manson pooping to find this site... it's the only way I could think of to get here!
:)

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

When you have more comments than items on your list, it's officially a successful post. Seems you're almost there!

ps Kevin IS a dildo, isn't he?!

Betty said...

Oh my god you are funny. I laughed and laughed.

p.s I call my mum mumsy too!

love you prunella!

Moi said...

Genius. I love your lists.

I may need to create a list of new names for my boobs once the surgery happens (8 days and counting!).

Samantha_K said...

I picture you calling your mom #8 while doing a little Fergie dance. Very cute, lol.

As for the scratchy noise, I think it's squirrels. They are evil, evil bastards. Just ask me, I know.

Krissyface said...

Prunella, I'm sorry you got fired. But Kevin sounds like a douche.
I love your blog.
Come visit mine!!!

Prunella Jones said...

Ron- it was smart of you. The words Shirley Manson pooping will now always and forevermore land you here.

Blowing Shit Up- Kevin is a giant purple dildo worn out from overuse by the Village People after a coke fueled weekend with Paris Hilton's parents.

Betty- do your kids call you Mumsy? I'm going to insist mine address me as Mommy Dearest.

Moi- good luck with the boob surgery. I will be happy and honored to help you come up with nicknames for the twins.

Samantha- I guess that's why they call squirrels the devil's gerbils. Well, that's what I call them anyway.

Krissyface- thanks. I appreciate anyone who agrees that Kevin is a douche.

jeremy said...

so where exactly are these shirley manson pooping photos, hmm?

muse said...

You forgot one...Kevin is a fucktard.

He is all that...and more, much much more.

Memphis Steve said...

Um, wow, this is a lot of lists. Would you do one more? I've tagged you for a meme listing 8 things about you that we probably don't know. Come see.

Diane said...

I just got back from Yellowstone, where I had to consider what was howling outside my flimsy cabin door . . . (it was coyotes, BTW)

LA said...

For the first list:

6. Kevin is a raging jackhole.

p.s. Does Sexy Sarah the Sluttiest Old Bag in Nashville still have jungle fever?

Prunella Jones said...

Jeremy- beats me.

Muse- I see you know him.

Memphis Steve- okay.

Diane- I'm sorry to tell you this but it was not coyotes it was werewolves. I'm glad you escaped with your life.

LA- yes, very true.

she has curiosity that's for sure.

Sudiegirl said...

Jeez - who the hell IS Kevin, anyway? It seems like he's not the fave rave on this blog

morbid misanthrope said...

3:00 a.m. is actually, in well-informed circles of supernatural experts, called "Super deadly, unlucky, malevolent hour of Satanic murder power." Why? It's very complicated, but it has something to do with the fact that Jesus was crucified at 3:00 p.m., the inverse of which--and Satan loves inverted stuff--is 3:00 a.m. 3:00 a.m. is also the time, historically, Alistair Crowley usually put on his funny pyramid hat, shot heroin into his thigh, and abused corpses in the cemetery. It's also the time of night when, statistically, psycho rapeclowns with serrated hooks for hands walk their dogs and peer in windows. In summation: I think the tree branch is responsible for the noise on your window. That's parsimony, homey!

Prunella Jones said...

Sudie- everyone seems to know at least one Kevin who is an asshole I guess.

Morb- actually, it was a rape minded man with hooks for hands at my window. He left a few scratches but I'm not complaining.