Sunday, January 13, 2008

When Will Oprah's Reign of Terror End?

I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I really like Converse shoes. They are pretty much the only sneakers I wear. I just bought a cute, pale pink pair because I'm sick of all this drab winter darkness. I put them on this morning to break them in and then set about making myself a healthy juice of apples, carrots, and spinach. Yum yum. I'm doing pretty well on the vegan diet resolutions. I had just taken a mouthful of this drink when my mom entered the kitchen and says the following:

"Oh there you are, honey, I need to ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom do your turds float? Because a doctor on the Oprah show said that means your turds are full of fat which is bad."


One thing about apple, carrot, spinach juice is that it's very staining when you spit it all over your new shoes.


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Fuck you, Oprah! You owe me a new pair of sneakers!


P.S. I had never considered what my turds did after I deposited them in the toilet but I checked and it appeared that they kinda sank. Or at least didn't float.

18 comments:

WendyB said...

Oprah's gotta take her head out of her own ass!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I'm glad Oprah is covering the really important stories, I mean I am now horribly concerned that I will have floaters.

sid said...

LOL! Great now the next time I poop I'll definitely be checking to see if my turds float.

prettykitty said...

at least your mom didn't ask if anyone has"tossed your salad" like my mom did after hearing about it from oprah.

Mister Underhill said...

Ok, serious Q. Does oprah outrank tom cruise in the church of scientology. Are they in the same pantheon or are they opposing dieties? I really have trouble keeping track of all this shit.

PS - I had you pegged as a vans kind of girl.

Krissyface said...

Oprah owes you a new goddamned pair of shoes. She can afford it.

Samantha_K said...

I, too, rock the converse.

Anyway, Oprah says a lot of crazy shit...hmm, funny choice of words on my part. Actually, it is doctor Oz, who regularly(there I go again with the word choice) appears on her show who likes to talk about...random crap.

Apparently, if it is serpentine in shape, you are healthy.

Just in case your mom was wondering.

LA said...

It finally happened. Oprah's run out of topics.

Diane said...

I bought some cute Converse All Star leather mary janes off of Zappos.com

They rock

Betty said...

hahahaha, you funny girl. damn about your shoes though!

BUMBLE!!! said...

Oprah owes us all something.

Not just the opes, the oprites, or whatever she calls her brainless followers.

I'm still pissed that she added Faulkner, Weisel, and Tolstoy to her reading list - now, I have to admit I liked some of her choices.

Skanky bitch (in my best Butters voice).

GetFlix said...

Oprah should stick to politics!!

Prunella Jones said...

I never watch Oprah but my mom does and always tells me what's going on. (Not that I asked.) I'm more of a Maury Povitch girl. I just love those trashy paternity shows.

prettykitty said...

if you love trashy shows, then you would love the steve wilkos show. he's jerry springer's bald bodyguard. he basically took the trashiest elements of springer's show and condensed it into a soul-sucking screamfest.

MsPuddin said...

I love chuck taylors! Mine sink baby...

Sudiegirl said...

I assume you've heard about Ms. Oprah having her own cable network next year...

Boy, the Discovery Network must be more hard-up than I thought.

This is incentive to NOT get cable. My mother is OK with the idea, which further confirms the theory that I was adopted or stolen from urban gypsies.

morbid misanthrope said...

The real question, I think, is "does Oprah float?"

You can customize your very own pair of Converse online. I thought about doing it myself, but they can't guarantee the blood they use to dye your custom shoes is from a Peruvian virgin with one blue eye and one yellow eye, which is essential. Custom shoes? Bullshit.

Prunella Jones said...

Want to know what comes between me and my converse sneakers? .......Nothing