What would you say if I told you that
I have secret fears I'll trip over the cat
and plunge backwards down the stairs and land on my head
the impact would make my skull shatter and shred.
At the bottom of the steps the cement floor would turn red
from the blood and the brains and the spinal fluid
my body so broken I'd prefer to be dead
but I'd end up like Christopher Reeve instead.
I picture it all and it fills me with dread.
Maybe, just maybe I'll get rid of my cat.
Cause I really don't want for my head to go splat.
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27 comments:
Splat, of course. I'd even have a little sad face I'd wear whenever I said it.
I'm glad to see you are out of your funk over your bangs and feeling cheery now.
You are a GENIUS!
I love this. Especially since I have 2 cats and a steep staircase.
Like Mr. Reeve, I wish South Park would immortalize me in an episode. Even to just be made fun of by Jimmy and Timmy (the episode where they made peace with the Crips and the Bloods) - classic.
I have the same fear for tripping down the stairs as my dogs race to the ground level . . .
Brilliant!
A bit like a Technicolor mash-up of e e cummings and Charles Addams, in the very best sense, of course.
Dr. Seuss would be proud.
I hate cats and poetry, but your right, this did cheer me up...
I have a feeling the cat would be laughing. Cats are that way.
i like kitties.
...and i trip on pussy everyday.
I've had a few run-ins with cats in my time. I found that it's a good idea to huck them down the stairs immediately for no apparent reason. That way, 1.) they learn to stay the fuck away from the stairs and you probably won't trip over them and fall to your death; 2.) those little shits need to know they can be snuffed out at any time for no reason with no warning. That dangling sword of Damocles can humble even the most brazen of the feline species.
I'm more afraid of my cat hiding under the couch and swiping me bloody with a claw as I pass by naked getting ready for work. He does this regularly, so my fears are grounded in reality. Fucking cats.
Cats are evil, perhaps they have your monkey.
I can haz new brain?
Wow, I am blown away by Morbo's awesome comment. Not only a great idea, but hilarious.
Thanks, mister underhill. That strategy works with women, too. Theoretically speaking, anyway.
Mister U- I wouldn't say I'm cheery, just less suicidal.
Steve- cats are great but steep staircases freak me out.
Bumble- me too! Who wouldn't be flattered to be mocked by Trey and Matt?
Diane- it's awful that I can visualize it so well. My stomach always jumps a little when I'm going up and down those steps.
XL- wow, that is an awesome compliment! I love the work of both. Thanks!
LA- wouldn't it be great to live in a world with star-bellied sneetches?
Ms.puddin-
Wendy- cats are a bit evil. That's one of the reasons I like them.
Marky- wow, you must be either a crazy cat man or Hugh Hefner.
Morbid- that sounds familiar. My dad had a similar theory but he applied it to childrearing.
Krissy- what a sneaky little bastard!
Ron- cats are evil all right but even they have the sense to avoid monkeys. Monkeys fling poo, after all.
Moi- I got you a new brain but my zombie eated it.
Mister U- are you flirting with my boyfriend? Don't make me have to cut you. Again.
Morb- Osculare pultem meam!
I believe that means "women should be cherished." Or possibly "kiss my grits!" Either way it sounds kinda impressive, eh? I pull out the Latin when I can't think of anything else to say.
It's a concerted effort in the entire cat community. They couldn't win with the whole sucking one's life out while they sleep, so they've resorted to covert measures. Mine have black ninja-wear for those late night trips.
Pru, are your titties on Miss Smack's blog yet?
I shaved all the pussies in my house and covered them in crysco......does that help?
Dogs only trip you up when they think you're holding food. And as a general rule, they don't like stairs.
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.
Yay, Latin!
I'm still trying to figure out the rhyme scheme.
BSUWG,
The rhyme scheme is aa bbb c bbb aa. Otherwise known as Classic De Villian.
I'm with ya sister...although it's a bit entertaining to hear my room-mates mutter "damn cat" at 2 AM.
Helen- I knew something like that was going on. Smart little bastards!
Onehung- well, you tell me. You have seen at least two pics of my boobs already. Can't you recognize them by now?
Honk- wow, your house would be an interesting place to visit. I might not want to stay long. however.
GF- true enough, my dog is scared of the basement as she should be. There are huge spiders down there.
Morb- what is the Latin for clever/smart? Argutiae? Argutiae Nothus!
Blowing Shit Up- well, I like to play around with rhyme schemes to keep myself entertained. Besides, it's easier to hide bad rhymes that way.
XL- ah, you must be a poetry lover! Excellent! That comment made me laugh.
Sudie- pissing off roommates is always a pleasure.
Pru, you'll appreciate my latest post.
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