Xenu Speaks

Excellent! Things are going very well.




Jennifer Lopez will soon be hooked up to the e-meter. Kha ching!




Jenna Elfman is pregnant with a new thetan for the church.





Young Suri's education is coming along nicely.





The woman is giving us much resistance, but it is only a matter of time until we get our hands on their money. Oh yes!





I am very pleased with you, young Cruise. You have finally been recognized as the "Jesus of Scientology." A glorious new age is upon us.





Thank you, my master. So will I be getting the reward we discussed?





Very well. You may have a crystal studded, disco cross simular to Madonna's to hang from.





Sweet!

American Idol Judges Are So Mean!

Simon: Okay, let's see our first contestant. Go ahead Kevin.





Kevin: Yo Popozao!
In Portugese it means "bring yo ass,"
on the floor, and move it real fast.
I want to see your kitty and a lil bit of titty -





Simon: Stop! That's enough. That was horrible, awful. Get out now!






Kevin: Yeah, you don't know nuthin. I'ma be big in 2007! Word. Check it. Peace out!






Paula: You looked hot though. Can I get a lil drink from that bottle before you go?

Simon: NEXT!






Paris: I know y'all be wishin
you was in my position
I'm makin mad money fool
making all the Greek billionaires drool.
Poor Nicole ain't got a clue
how to lose weight without starvin
it's easy, just go to the toilet and spew!

Duh, I mean duh, I mean really DUH!





Simon: Thank you, that's enough. Sweetheart, what are you thinking? That was atrocious.






Paris Oh come on. Please? I'll let you do me in the butt.




Randy: Oh Kay! I vote yes.

Paula: Sorry, but I gotta say no. You looked amazing though and mumble mumble (hic)

Simon: NEXT! Okay Prunella Jones. Tell us why you should be the next American Idol.






Pru: Well Simon, because I'm hot, sexy, spicy, smart, cute, I've got a great ass, and if you don't pick me I'm going to set your cars on fire. Tee hee.





Pru: uno, dose, tres, four

Prunalicious definition, make them boys go crazy
no one can dance as good as me except for Patrick Swayze
coming to me, call me cutie
I'm the P, to the R,U,N,E,L,the L,to the A
and don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?




Simon: Uhhhhhh okay that's enou --




Pru: I'm Prunalicious (so delicious)
I shake my ass and spread my legs because I'm so ambitious
some people try to say my rhymes are repetitious
but yo they just jealous of my fitness (so delicious)
t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty! Owwwwwwww






Simon: Stop! Enough! That was dreadful, abominable, and just plain wrong. I think I'm going to vomit. Randy, what do you say?

Randy: Sorry, dawg, but you're a dog. Not going to happen.




Pru: Wait, I can yodel! High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo --




Simon: NO! Did you really believe you could be the American Idol? You must be deaf.




Paula: You're hair looked great, but....(giggle) okay nevermind, you really did suck.





Pru: No, no you don't understand how much I want this! It's not fair. I've lost 200 pounds for this, I stole $600 bucks from my grandma just to get here! I am gorgeous and I will be famous! All three of you suck! You guys are going to be sorry. I've got a knife in my purse and I'm going to cut you up! I'm going to boil your bunnies! You will regret this! Oh yes! Ha ha ha ha. I'm mad I tell you. Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease?!




Simon: NEXT.

Paula: hic.

The Land of the Lost 2007

Marshall, Will, and Holly
on a routine expedition
met the greatest earthquake ever known
High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft (ahhhhhhhhhhh)
and plunged them down a thousand feet below
to the Laaaand of the Lost!




Episode 52: Sleestak Paradise




Will: Thank goodness we finally found another diminsional portal to fall through. I wonder where we are now?

Holly: Who cares I'm just happy to be away from those dumb sleestaks.






Holly: Wait, what the heck is that?





Will: Huh?





Holly: Will, I'm getting scared. Where are we?





Roooooarrrrr!





Cha-Ka Eeeeek Cha-Ka no like! Cha-Ka no like!





Will: C'mon guys. Let's go find another time doorway. This place sucks!

ba da da da daaa...he's lovin' it!

Oh my Gawd y'all, I just loooove the food here at Barney's Burger Barn!





It's the only place in town where you can get hot fudge sauce on your french fries! Wanna try some, Isaac?





Wait a minute, that ain't hot fudge that's....that's ...poo poo!!! (gaaaaggg)





heh, heh. Enjoy those fries, beeeyotch! Word.

Aunt Prunella's Agony Column

Got a problem? Ask Aunt Prunella. Helping you is my obsession!


Dear Aunt Prunella,

I was having some problems with alcohol and drugs so I agreed to go to rehab. But now that I'm here I'm soooo bored. This place is like so dull and it's full of ugly people that keep bugging me to talk about my feelings. I don't want to think about that crap! It's just my luck to land in such a freaky rehab full of mean girls! What should I do?

Signed,
Bummed



Dear Bummed,

I understand exactly what you mean. People are so quick to recommend therapy for every little thing. I ask you, who among is not tormented daily by unwanted thoughts? But instead of turning to drugs and alcohol when you get anxious, why don't you try washing your hands? Seriously washing your hands over and over is very soothing and keeps you busy. Also good are checking several times a day to make sure your door is locked and turning the light switch on and off until it feels "right." Try it and let me know how it goes!



Dear Aunt Prunella,

My boyfriend of three years just dumped me because he thought I was too controling. Now he wants to run around flirting with other girls and bringing sexy "back." I'm so angry I could just punch out a photographer or something. How dare he? My question for you is, do you think he'll take me back?

Signed,
Dumped



Dear Dumped,

Breakups are never easy. You are bound to be questioning yourself over and over about where things went wrong. You know what the problem most likely is? Contamination. Understand that bacteria are everywhere, so you need to keep your hands immaculately clean at all times. Nothing bad will happen to you or your loved ones if you follow the procedure for keeping germs away from your person. Hold your head high and remember, Lysol makes everything better.




Dear Aunt Prunella,

I recently attended a very crowded concert and found myself getting anxious while waiting for the show to start. Surrounded by so many people I could practically see all the germs in the room oozing towards me and contaminating me. For the first time in ages I had a very strong urge to run to the bathroom and scrub my hands over and over. I resisted by telling myself those fears weren't real but it was very hard. Now days later I'm still freaking out everytime someone sneezes. I know this crazy. I've struggled with it before. Any suggestions for getting rid of these annoying thoughts and compulsions for good?

Signed,
Scrubby



Dear Scrubby,

I really have no idea what you are talking about. Sorry.

Come Join the Party

Hi guys! I'm having a big party to celebrate my new blog address. Glad you could make it. Come on in and mingle.




Hey Diddy, how did you get in? Your name wasn't on the list. Just kidding, don't spend the rest of your life hunting me down. Nice....uh outfit. Shhhh quit snickering, el Hombre!





Looking good, Pam. I can't believe we wore the same dress. What are the odds? Don't worry I'll go change. (even though I look much better in it)





Lindsay, I'm really glad you're having a good time but aren't you trying to stay sober? Do you think it's a good idea to hang out with Snoop Dog and those guys over in the corner? That's not a cigar they're smoking.





Uncle Jeb, don't do your impersonation of Britney being interviewed by Matt Lauer right now! She's here, you know.





Wow Paris, it is pretty cool that both you and Uncle Jeb are missing a tooth in the same place. But that doesn't mean you need to sleep with him. No really, please don't.





Tom, I'm so glad you brought that kareoke machine over. That was the hottest version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" that I've ever heard. You should sing in your next movie!





Hey Brit, what do you think of my new strip pole? I just installed it so I can start teaching my stripper areobics class at home. We can run through a few moves later as long as you're wearing underwear ha ha. Seriously, you are wearing underwear, right?





El Hombre, why did you invite Pete Doherty? Didn't I specifically tell you not to? Oh God, this party is going to get ruined just like the last one!





Mary Kate, what the hell are you doing? You can't gnaw on my friend Janice's leg even though she is a hoochie. We have a full buffett table if you're hungry!





Hey Pru, great party! Guess what? I just pissed in your punchbowl!

WHAT?





No Britney, not on the new carpet! El Hombre, bring me a bucket, quick!






Hi, I live down the street. Can my friends and I come party with you guys?



That's it! Turn on the David Hasselhoff CD, el Hombre. This night is over, I'm shutting this party down! Oh why does this kind of stuff happen every time I try to entertain?