Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Aunt Prunella's Agony Column

Got a problem? Ask Aunt Prunella. Helping you is my obsession!

Dear Aunt Prunella,

I was having some problems with alcohol and drugs so I agreed to go to rehab. But now that I'm here I'm soooo bored. This place is like so dull and it's full of ugly people that keep bugging me to talk about my feelings. I don't want to think about that crap! It's just my luck to land in such a freaky rehab full of mean girls! What should I do?


Dear Bummed,

I understand exactly what you mean. People are so quick to recommend therapy for every little thing. I ask you, who among is not tormented daily by unwanted thoughts? But instead of turning to drugs and alcohol when you get anxious, why don't you try washing your hands? Seriously washing your hands over and over is very soothing and keeps you busy. Also good are checking several times a day to make sure your door is locked and turning the light switch on and off until it feels "right." Try it and let me know how it goes!

Dear Aunt Prunella,

My boyfriend of three years just dumped me because he thought I was too controling. Now he wants to run around flirting with other girls and bringing sexy "back." I'm so angry I could just punch out a photographer or something. How dare he? My question for you is, do you think he'll take me back?


Dear Dumped,

Breakups are never easy. You are bound to be questioning yourself over and over about where things went wrong. You know what the problem most likely is? Contamination. Understand that bacteria are everywhere, so you need to keep your hands immaculately clean at all times. Nothing bad will happen to you or your loved ones if you follow the procedure for keeping germs away from your person. Hold your head high and remember, Lysol makes everything better.

Dear Aunt Prunella,

I recently attended a very crowded concert and found myself getting anxious while waiting for the show to start. Surrounded by so many people I could practically see all the germs in the room oozing towards me and contaminating me. For the first time in ages I had a very strong urge to run to the bathroom and scrub my hands over and over. I resisted by telling myself those fears weren't real but it was very hard. Now days later I'm still freaking out everytime someone sneezes. I know this crazy. I've struggled with it before. Any suggestions for getting rid of these annoying thoughts and compulsions for good?


Dear Scrubby,

I really have no idea what you are talking about. Sorry.


LA said...

Dear Aunt Prunella -

I always piss myself when I read your blog. Any advice?

Soggy Drawers

honkeie2 said...

This is why they should make it legal to pepper spray idiots at random.
But I do have a question for ya:

Dear Aunt Prunella-
I beat off soooo much I think I may eb going blnid. Plaese elp.

Beat but not lostt

prunella jones said...

Dear Soggy,
When you feel the urge to laugh, quickly replace that thought with another. For instance did you lock your front door this morning? Are you sure? You might not have, you know. Better check.

Dear Beat,
Oh dear, that is a problem. If you simple must rub something, why not try rubbing your hands with soap under some nice clean running water.

Anonymous said...

ROTFLAMO... you are too much but at least you can laugh about it which is something... even better is you can make ME laugh which is even better!!!! ;) So do you think soap and water will get rid of the bad weather we are having?

GetFlix said...

Washing one's private area with warm, soapy water and a soft cloth sounds like it would help, too.

Scottsdale Girl said...

*scribbles on notepad*

"pick up neutrogena soap"

Diane said...

Dear Aunt Pru - before I can leave the house, I have to go back and check (some times more than once) that I unplugged everthing and didn't leave any open flames burning. Good to know I am just a conscientious volunteer firefighter, and not an OCD freak.

Signed, Can I really burn down the house w/ a curling iron?

prunella jones said...

T- probably not but at least you'll be too busy to notice the weather :)

GF- it would help honkeie2 at least.

SG- make sure to get the anti-bacterial, extra moisturizing formula.

prunella jones said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
prunella jones said...

Dear Can I,

Yes you absolutely can! Better go check again to make sure it's off. You are a very good citizen for trying to prevent fire.

Frannie Farmer said...

I need soap and water in my eyes to get rid of Brit in those pics ... seriously makin' me ill!!!

ffleur said...

Dear Scrubby,

I know who you are and I have an answer for you: Anafranil.

prunella jones said...

fran- so sorry my sweet.

ffleur- but Tom Cruise told me I only need vitamins!