Boobie Barn Update

I know I haven't written about my job at The Boobie Barn for awhile. That's mostly because it's been such a bore ever since my helper monkey Tucksworth took off, and the management banned me from twirling flaming batons while I dance because they don't have enough insurance.

Every night there is just so dang dull. The routine never changes, I dance, I go out and work the crowd selling drinks and lap dances, I faux wrestle some other chick in a vat of green jello - being ultra careful not to pull out her weave (it's tricky), and then I go home. Ho hum.

You know, when I first started shaking my ass for money I enjoyed it a lot. I loved the excitement and partying with celebrities (like that time Kevin Federline came to town.) I love the nightlife, I like to boogie. Most of my jobs before this have consisted of sitting in a cubicle in some taupe colored office, pushing paperwork around and making lists of exotic ways to kill my coworkers - for example, shoving a spoon down the throat of the guy in the next cube who would take an hour to eat his yogurt, making disgusting slurping noises the entire time. Gah! Dancing seemed like the perfect career for someone like me, but lately it's become just as tedious as any office job I've ever toiled at.

So I've been trying to spark things up, to make it fun again, otherwise I might as well go sling chicken wings at Hooters. I tried playing music that I like instead of the usual club tunes favored by everyone else, but the DJ would get annoyed and yank off my Grateful Dead CDs before I could get even halfway into the jam. (Which was actually a relief because thirty minutes of twirling upside down from the pole turned out to be murder on my thigh muscles.)

Then there was my Krautrock phase when I wore a short black wig, a black leather thong, and thigh high boots and scowled at the audience while barely moving to Kraftwerk. Although that one was surprisingly popular with the frat boys - especially after I added a black whip to the costume - it got old after a while.

Then I made up a cute little tap dance/strip tease to The Carter Family classic Bury Me Under the Weeping Willow Tree which ended with me doing a back handspring off the stage into the vat of jello. I never made it that far however, because the guys started booing and throwing cocktail napkins as soon as the music started. Geez, you'd think Nashvillians would have some respect for Americana, but obviously that is not the case.



I've read that the music of The Carter Family and Ralph Stanley has been used by our soldiers to torture Iraqi prisoners with much success. Apparently it makes terrorists scream like nothing else. What do you think?



Captain Peanut gets annoyed with me. "Quit all that artsy shit and just bounce them tits," he advised me. "And don't forget to push the drinks, that's how you make money, not all this kindergarten fuckery."

I ignored him, of course. I am an artiste! I need to express myself! Besides, if I'm not having fun it will be just a matter of time before I start making up a new kill list. And this time his name will be at the very top. (That fucking DJ is next. God, he's a pretentious bastard! I'd like to drop two turntables and a microphone on his head.)

Luckily for them, I think I've finally stumbled on a winning routine. Last night I painted my face like Gene Simmons and danced to a medley of KISS songs, while waggling my tongue at the crowd every few minutes. Then at the very end I bit down on some fake blood capsules and let the red stream dribble down from my lips in a dramatic finish as I went into my trademark splits.

Wow, it was a hit! The dudes went crazy and I made a butt load of cashola. The only problem is that the fake blood is very staining - today my mouth, neck, and breasts look like they've been sprayed with strawberry Kool-Aid. What a shame I can't just spit fire instead. It would be so much cooler too. Stoopid, boring, insurance company!

*Note to self, find out who insures The Boobie Barn. Add them to list.

Shameful Moments In History Re-enacted With Nail Polish

Charlie's Nerdiest Angel

Hi everyone! My hair looked especially dirty and lank this morning, so naturally I decided it was picture time! Guess I'd better go get another box of L'oreal Hoochie Blonde #27.




But, hey, aren't these glasses totally Tina Feyalicious?

50 Great Things About America

What do you like best about your country? What sort of things spring to mind when you think about your homeland? If you're an American, did you immediately think of mom, apple pie, and baseball?

I only ask because I saw a really inspiring art display at the library the other day. It featured paintings by a bunch of 5th graders with the theme "50 Great Things About America." As an amateur painter myself, I was eager to check it out. (Yes, it's true. In addition to being a poet, dancer, romance writer, chainsaw juggler, and three time yodeling champion, I am also an amazing artiste. Is there no end to my talents? Truly I am a 21st Century Renaissance Woman!)

Anyway, I loved this. The poster boards were divided into fifty little squares with a drawing in each and what the drawing was supposed to represent written underneath in case you had any doubts. Since this was obviously a school project, most of the beginning squares were of the usual school history stuff: George Washington, the flag, the Statue of Liberty, the Declaration of Independence, Betsy Ross, pilgrims, etc...but once all that was out of the way there was some really great pics that made me laugh.

You know, it's pretty hard to come up with fifty patriotic things. One kid, obviously trying to stretch out the George Washington theme listed "wooden teeth" with a great drawing of some gnarly brown chompers. Another wrote "freedom" and illustrated it with a picture of a guy smiling and possibly getting jiggy - the squiggling lines surrounding him suggested dance to me. Well, how else would one draw freedom? I thought it very fitting.

But my favorites were the oddball things near the end as the kids were obviously struggling to come up with anything to fill in those damn squares! Here they are in no particular order: monster trucks, Hannah Montana, soup (Soup! I love this kid!), George Bush (d'oh, future Republican voter!) Jesus, karate, Batman, vitamins (what???), and Dollywood (with a fabulous picture of Dolly Parton featuring her giant boobs.

Now I'm dying to make one of these paintings! I plan to go to Michael's Art Supplies today for a canvas, some acrylic paint, and a ruler to make those fifty little squares. That part will be easy, but the question is - what should I fill them in with? What are my favorite things about America?

So I started making a list. This is what I have so far:

1. Paula Dean and her sticks of butter
2. Bigfoot
3. Magic 8 balls
4. taxidermy
5. Valium
6. Venus Flytraps
7. Intercourse, Pennsylvania (the name makes me snicker every time)
8. Rumspringa
9. shrunken heads
10. the TV show "What's Happening?" (I loved Big Shirley)
11. witchcraft
12. Viking helmets (as everyone knows the Vikings discovered America)
13. Jesus riding a dinosaur (the Creationists assure me it was so)
14. filthy limericks
15. chicken waffles
16. knife throwing hillbillies
17. Charles Nelson Reilly (the most famous knife throwing hillbilly of all)
18. robot butlers
19. mullets
20. Sleestacks
21. the Bermuda Triangle
22. Christian rappers
23. taco trucks
24. the flying monkeys of Oz, Kansas
25. the annual Women's Tobacco Chewing competition (I can't wait to enter one day!)
26. urine therapy (very big in Chattanooga I hear)
27. the boogeyman
28. coniferous forests
29. the ancient and bitey feral cat people of Norco, California
30. peyote fudge
31. chimps that speak sign language
32. bouffant hairdos
33. Socialism
34. heated toilet seats
35. eye patches
36. Astrology
37. TV's MacGuyver (Patty and Selma are right, he is dreamy!)
38. Perrier
39. Frankenberry Cereal
40. Frankenstein
41. Senator? Al Franken
42. goat sacrifices to the internet gods
43. the space aliens who will be landing here in 2012 to guide us into a new era
44. Hello Kitty panties
45. zombies
46. Cobra wrestling
47. chocolate covered bacon
48. Ouija boards
49. penciled in cholita eyebrows
and last but not least
50. 14 karat gold, Elvis collectors plates for only $29.99

Whew, it was hard trying to come up with fifty uniquely American things that rock, but I think I got her done. What would you add to the list? What am I forgetting?

More Things You May Not Have Known About Your Favorite Celebrities

Kayne West is slightly radioactive. If you've ever wondered why his girlfriend is bald, well now you know the scoop. The poor girl had better be taking lots of Vitamin C, because her teeth will be the next thing to go if she's not careful.





Handsome High School Musical star Zac Effron only pretends to be a closeted pretty boy. In reality he is completely straight and involved in a polygamous marriage to both Kardashian sisters. You can see why Disney desperately wants to keep this info quiet.









In addition to her many other talents, Sarah Palin can snatch a fly in midair and eat it just like Renfield in the movie Dracula. Mmmm mmm good! She's been quoted as saying that they taste "mavericky."






I've seen many reports lately that Mischa Barton is anorexic. Not so! No, it's just that every time she sits down to eat, the food insults her fashion choices which causes her to burst into tears and run away wailing. Poor girl. That would put me off my lunch too.

Actually I'm lying. Nothing puts me off eating.






Beautiful Lost star Michelle Rodriguez wears secret, magical, Mormon-type long underwear with sacred holy knees underneath her clothes at all times. In fact, so do I, and so does every rich/famous person in Hollywood. Why else do you think Jehovah blesses us with money and fame and not you? Duh.

Shhhh it's a secret though, so don't tell. Put that dress down, Michelle!



PLUS! Can you guess the celebrities in these blind gossip items?


Which up and coming young heartthrob likes to feast on hyena meat laced with PCP, while marching in place to bagpipe music and staring at himself in the mirror? Hint: It's not who you think!


This one is a shocker. This married, aging, Oscar winning/nominated actor who is probably C list if you look at what he does now, but would probably only ever appear above the title has had a 15 year habit that is finally beginning to surface. It seems that our married star enjoys certain filthy acts that involve... how can I put this delicately? I really can’t. Let’s just say he enjoys putting his boy thing into a WOMAN's girl thing. You know...down there! In and out, in and out until....you know. Ewwwww!

Anyway, enough of the sordid aspects. It seems that for the past 15 years our actor has used the same professional to tend to his freakish addiction, who was the model of discretion. She retired at the end of the year, and since then our actor has tried out the services of three or four other professionals who don’t have that same level of discretion and have been blabbing all over town about our actor’s crazy and disgusting fetish.



Which actress/model has shocked friends and family recently with her insatiable addiction to taxidermy? Hint: It's not Bea Arthur.



Fans of this beloved TV family's sweet reality show would be shocked if they only knew the truth. Not only is this couple not married like they claim, the kids on the show aren't even theirs! In fact, they aren't even kids, they're midgets pretending to be kids! And worse, the midgets are Satanists! And everyone is drunk! All day long! Hint: Yes, it's them.

The Prunella Jones Story: My Day As A Man

You're not going to believe me. No one in their right minds could possibly believe me, but it's true, really it is.







When I woke up this morning I found I'd turned into a man! There I was, on some disgusting bare mattress in a dingy room that smelled like beer, farts, and old sweat socks, with a lumpy, muscled body and armpits that reeked of sweat and Old Spice.

Surely this was a dream? Yes, of course, that had to be it. I'd been out very late celebrating St. Patrick's Day the night before. This was merely the effect of too many green beers, I assured myself. I started to roll over and go back to sleep, but then my eyes flew open and I yelped with pain as a beer bottle jabbed me in the nuts.

What the hell? I decided to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror. After all, you don't turn into a man every day of the week. Maybe I was imagining it - or hallucinating.




Nope, it was real all right. I was a man, baby, and a bulky, pin-headed one at that.




As you can imagine, I was a little upset. I like being a girl! I like being pretty, and smelling nice, and wearing cute clothes and makeup! Okay, having to deal with a period and PMS is not the greatest thing ever; but still, I much prefer a pair of xx chromosomes, thank you very much.






I wasn't sure what to do next, so I moved the beer mess aside and lay back down on the mattress. After a while I got bored and did a few stretches, while studying my new form in the mirror. It could be worse, I suppose. At least, this man body is athletic. It's not bad looking, either. Not really my type - I prefer lanky, long haired guys who resemble our lord, Jesus - but I bet lots of chicks would dig it. Hmmmm......interesting.









You know, this might be kind of fun. As soon as I fix this godawful hangover, I might just get on the celly and call up a few girlies, and try out this new "equipment" of mine.

Let's see here, what might be some good pick up lines? How about this one..."Hey baby, is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants. Oh yeah, come to papa!"

Good, right? My new man brain assures me that it's a winner all right. In fact, I now realize I am awesome in every ~BURP~ way! I think I'll trade my little Honda in for a 2009 Hummer SUV and then take a piss in a beer can while I'm driving down the street.

Being a man is going to rock!

3 Simple Things We Could Do To Help The Economy, But Won't

1. Legalize Gay Marriage- It boggles my mind that in the year 2009 this is still an issue. What is wrong with people? I've never heard a good argument against gay marriage. Pretty much all of what I hear involves either the bible or "tradition", which is lame and stupid reasoning. It is obvious to me that we can't just sit back and let the states decide for themselves because the churchie types will always do their best to sabotage things (I'm looking at you, Asshole Mormons. (Prop 8 in California ring a bell?)

It is also obvious to me that Americans will have to be dragged forward by force - kicking and screaming - into accepting same sex marriage, but I have no doubt that they will eventually once it becomes the law of the land. After all, interracial marriage was banned until 1967 and now no one blinks an eye about it - well, that is, they might, but others tell them to shut their racists mouths, thank goodness.

So, how would legalizing gay marriage help the economy? Simple. It would help get money flowing again. I mean, look, even the smallest wedding needs a cake. Buying a cake means a job for the baker. Then, of course, there's flowers (making jobs for florists), music (DJs or musicians), food(catering), booze(liquor stores, bartenders), new outfits(retail), a photographer, renting a place to hold the reception, etc. Wedding guests will buy presents, new outfits for themselves, get their hair and nails done, etc. Honeymoons would mean money spent on travel, hotels, restaurants, and eventually....well, you know the divorce lawyers would make some money too. If everyone is making money then they aren't laying off workers and closing businesses.

It surprises me that the wedding industry is not screaming for this. It surprises me that everyone is not screaming for this! Why are we letting poo-pooing, loud mouth, right wing religious zealots take this sorely needed money out of our economy? Screw them! They can take their bible and stuff it! If there really is a god do you think he really gives a rat's ass who you marry or have sex with? He's obviously very busy intervening in the outcomes of basketball games. (Sorry to stray from the topic, but it always bugs me when players thank God for helping them win. Puhleaze!)

Speaking of religion....that brings me to my next recommendation.



2. Tax the Churches- Why are churches given a tax exemption? It is my understanding that it's because of the First Amendment call for a separation between church and state. That is, freedom of religion in return for religion staying out of the government. Fair enough, I could get behind it if that was the way things actually worked but they don't. Religion is all over politics.

Today's churches have become active political campaigners, sticking their nose in every issue from abortion rights to gay marriage to stem cell research. They are using their money to influence votes (again Prop 8 in California immediately springs to mind) and that is not acceptable! It should not be allowed. The separation of church and state is NOT being followed in this country, and therefore I feel it's only fair for churches to lose their tax exempt status.

At the very least, I think churches should have to pay property taxes. A church is using up valuable land that other people could pay taxes on fairly. Damn, in Tennessee alone this could generate millions of dollars in revenue because there is literally a church on every corner here. That money could then be pumped back into the community.

Churches as a whole take in considerable money, pay nothing in taxes, and always want more. And where does that money go, exactly? If I actually gave money to a church I'd sure be very interested in finding that out. Traditionally churches are supposed to fund charity, which I imagine that most do to varying degrees. But hey, the Target corporation gave three million dollars to charity last year and it still had to pay taxes.

It's time for churches to pay their fair share. After all, if they really believed in charity for all then they'd have no problem with their tax money being used to fund universal health care.

Either pony up, or shut up and get the hell out of politics.




3. Legalize Marijuana- Come on, you know this needs to happen. You've doubtless already heard all the arguments in favor of it. If you haven't just click
here and here for quite a few logical reasons.


How long has this whole War on Drugs been going on anyway? How much money has it cost and how much have we gotten out of it? Is pot any less available because of it?

Prohibition has never worked. Not for alcohol, not for drugs. In fact, it makes things worse. Every time I turn on CNN lately I hear about the drug cartel wars in Mexico and Lou Dobbs whining for the government to send troops to protect the borders. Damn Lou, why don't we just legalize weed and put the drug cartels out of business? Let the government tax it and watch the money flow in.

It would, you know. Plenty of people would happily pick up a bag to smoke after work, the same way they pick up a six pack of beer. The arguments that say that Americans wouldn't buy taxed pot because they'd grow their own is silly. The beer industry certainly hasn't suffered from home brewing being allowed. It takes effort to grow qood quality weed and most people are too lazy. In addition, think of all the money to be made from the merchandise that goes with pot. Bongs, papers, pipes, grow lights, tie dyed tee shirts, salty snacks. (If it gets legalized, I swear I'm buying stock in Frito Lay!) And hemp itself has loads of uses, everything from paper, to cloth, to biofuels.

It's already the number one cash crop of California. Why aren't we making money off of it?


You know, I remember watching that "very special episode" of the show Different Strokes as a small child. Do you remember the one? Where Nancy Reagan gave a talk to Arnold's school and pitched her "Just Say No" campaign to the kiddies? Even way back then I was skeptical. I remember thinking, "what a bunch of crap. That's never going to work. That old biddy should mind her own business and get a new hairdo, because that one looks like a helmet."

I guess I wasn't the only one who scorned her message. Willis and Kimberly certainly didn't listen to Mrs. Reagan either.

Look, humans like to alter their brains. We have since time began. We will till time ends. You've used drugs. Everyone has. Caffeine, alcohol, chocolate, tobacco, all of them used daily by people across the country, all of them change our brain chemistry. Marijuana is no different. It's not a gateway drug anymore than cigarettes or coffee are. We won't suddenly become a nation of stoners. Pot is not evil. I'd argue that alcohol is much, much worse. Alcohol is legal. Are we a nation of falling down drunks?

Legalize it, tax it(fairly), and set aside a portion to pay for drug and alcohol rehabilitation.


Well there you go. There are my three ideas to help mend the economy. I really think those three things would do a lot more good then what is currently being offered by the Dems (throw money at everything) and the Republicans (do nothing, let the markets and Jesus fix everything). Too bad none of these will even be considered.

Some things You Might Not Have Known About Your Favorite Celebrities

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt is really, really addicted to Starbucks.


,





2.Jude Law is descended from a long line of leprechauns. Don't ever try to mess with his Lucky Charms!








3. Beyonce has a hook for hand, but her PR people always hide it with photoshop. It's true. She likes to hire hook-handed bodyguards too.









4. David Beckham drinks Alize.









5. As a child, Rush Limbaugh had occasional precognitive glimpses of the future. They made him very excited.





6. Katie Holmes has rabies.

Al Reveals More

My spirit guide, Al, is really a fountain of interesting information. While we were meditating yesterday, he revealed to me that right now, in another dimension, I am a pregnant sea monkey queen with really bad posture who drinks nothing but pink rice milk. I thought he was kidding, so I asked him to show me a picture.









Far out, huh? I'm not sure who the floating head belongs to, but I suppose it doesn't matter. Al assures me that floating heads are the norm in that particular dimension.

Curious to find out what your doppelganger is up to right now in a parallel universe? Email me a picture and I'll ask Al for you.

Meet My Brain

This is my brain.




This is my brain on drugs. Groovy drugs that is, not boring ones like aspirin.






This is my brain on sugar, blingees, and the devil's music.









This is my brain dressed like a pirate. Yarrr!









And this is Donna, the twin sister who never developed properly and was absorbed by me in the womb, who now resides in my brain and makes me do bad things.


Any questions?

If so, please address them to Donna. She gets angry when no one pays attention to her. And just between you and me......she's kinda scary when she gets angry. (shudder)

My KISS Infatuation Continues

I cannot get enough KISS in my life lately.

I've been obsessively watching their old videos and concerts on youtube whenever I get the chance. I even watched the TV movie KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park which took a lot of dedication, as it was really terrible. I'm predicting right now that the Disney Channel will soon remake this mess with The Jonas Brothers and/or Miley Cyrus.







Did you know that KISS saved Christmas? Uh-huh! Well, at least they did on an episode of Family Guy.



This song deserves to be played at ear bleeding volume.



I love the cheesy eye bit at the end.