When I woke up this morning I found I'd turned into a man! There I was, on some disgusting bare mattress in a dingy room that smelled like beer, farts, and old sweat socks, with a lumpy, muscled body and armpits that reeked of sweat and Old Spice.
Surely this was a dream? Yes, of course, that had to be it. I'd been out very late celebrating St. Patrick's Day the night before. This was merely the effect of too many green beers, I assured myself. I started to roll over and go back to sleep, but then my eyes flew open and I yelped with pain as a beer bottle jabbed me in the nuts.
What the hell? I decided to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror. After all, you don't turn into a man every day of the week. Maybe I was imagining it - or hallucinating.
Nope, it was real all right. I was a man, baby, and a bulky, pin-headed one at that.
As you can imagine, I was a little upset. I like being a girl! I like being pretty, and smelling nice, and wearing cute clothes and makeup! Okay, having to deal with a period and PMS is not the greatest thing ever; but still, I much prefer a pair of xx chromosomes, thank you very much.
I wasn't sure what to do next, so I moved the beer mess aside and lay back down on the mattress. After a while I got bored and did a few stretches, while studying my new form in the mirror. It could be worse, I suppose. At least, this man body is athletic. It's not bad looking, either. Not really my type - I prefer lanky, long haired guys who resemble our lord, Jesus - but I bet lots of chicks would dig it. Hmmmm......interesting.
You know, this might be kind of fun. As soon as I fix this godawful hangover, I might just get on the celly and call up a few girlies, and try out this new "equipment" of mine.
Let's see here, what might be some good pick up lines? How about this one..."Hey baby, is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants. Oh yeah, come to papa!"
Good, right? My new man brain assures me that it's a winner all right. In fact, I now realize I am awesome in every ~BURP~ way! I think I'll trade my little Honda in for a 2009 Hummer SUV and then take a piss in a beer can while I'm driving down the street.
Being a man is going to rock!
13 comments:
Just who are you hanging with? Cause if that's the type of guys you know, yikes!
Besides, A-roid is a myth, a meat head, a a media creation of leftovers, spliced out pieces of a bad Miami Vice show.
I love a guy who calls himself "Papa," "Papi," or "Daddy." Definitely do that.
Testing pick up lines on yourself to see if they work! Brilliant!
According to my previous "relationship" history ... I would most certainly date you
I totally thought you'd be the kind of guy who went dancing all night long and banged little bald men in leather pance in the bathroom between songs.
I think those stupid lines can work if you say them in a properly joking manner.
Hey, hey pretty ladies, how you doing, huh?
Yo Wendy B, you have some nice jewelery. It would look great on my nightstand, you know what I'm sayin?
And Girl Interrupted, are you by any chance from Tennessee? Cause baby, you're the only ten I see!
Pru - don't take this wrong but if that us the body you're now sporting, I think I'd like to fuck you.
That's right girl, every lady wants a piece of Pru's mancake. Oh yeah!
I hear something like that happened to Madonna years ago. In fact it's possible that poor old Aroid just absorbed too much testosterone off her - transdermally so to speak. As for what she might have absorbed from him - well it's nothing that she hasn't encountered before during her travels.
As for that beer tin, remember to lob it contemptuously at some nerds, once full, and the transformation will be complete!
Just gave you a shout out my dear.
Well you should finally understand why men are constantly scratching their balls. Use this knowledge wisely.
I like that smoking j. Pass it on over?
one of my all time favorite movies is The Hot Chick. Your day as man is clearly comparable :)
"APRIL!!!!"
looking good, Pru. But what about sweaty balls in the summer? i think that would be a deal breaker for me.
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