You're not going to believe me. No one in their right minds could possibly believe me, but it's true, really it is.
When I woke up this morning I found I'd turned into a man! There I was, on some disgusting bare mattress in a dingy room that smelled like beer, farts, and old sweat socks, with a lumpy, muscled body and armpits that reeked of sweat and Old Spice.
Surely this was a dream? Yes, of course, that had to be it. I'd been out very late celebrating St. Patrick's Day the night before. This was merely the effect of too many green beers, I assured myself. I started to roll over and go back to sleep, but then my eyes flew open and I yelped with pain as a beer bottle jabbed me in the nuts.
What the hell? I decided to take a look at myself in the bathroom mirror. After all, you don't turn into a man every day of the week. Maybe I was imagining it - or hallucinating.
Nope, it was real all right. I was a man, baby, and a bulky, pin-headed one at that.
As you can imagine, I was a little upset. I like being a girl! I like being pretty, and smelling nice, and wearing cute clothes and makeup! Okay, having to deal with a period and PMS is not the greatest thing ever; but still, I much prefer a pair of xx chromosomes, thank you very much.
I wasn't sure what to do next, so I moved the beer mess aside and lay back down on the mattress. After a while I got bored and did a few stretches, while studying my new form in the mirror. It could be worse, I suppose. At least, this man body is athletic. It's not bad looking, either. Not really my type - I prefer lanky, long haired guys who resemble our lord, Jesus - but I bet lots of chicks would dig it. Hmmmm......interesting.
You know, this might be kind of fun. As soon as I fix this godawful hangover, I might just get on the celly and call up a few girlies, and try out this new "equipment" of mine.
Let's see here, what might be some good pick up lines? How about this one..."Hey baby, is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants. Oh yeah, come to papa!"
Good, right? My new man brain assures me that it's a winner all right. In fact, I now realize I am awesome in every ~BURP~ way! I think I'll trade my little Honda in for a 2009 Hummer SUV and then take a piss in a beer can while I'm driving down the street.
Being a man is going to rock!