Friday, March 20, 2009

More Things You May Not Have Known About Your Favorite Celebrities


Kayne West is slightly radioactive. If you've ever wondered why his girlfriend is bald, well now you know the scoop. The poor girl had better be taking lots of Vitamin C, because her teeth will be the next thing to go if she's not careful.

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Handsome High School Musical star Zac Effron only pretends to be a closeted pretty boy. In reality he is completely straight and involved in a polygamous marriage to both Kardashian sisters. You can see why Disney desperately wants to keep this info quiet.


In addition to her many other talents, Sarah Palin can snatch a fly in midair and eat it just like Renfield in the movie Dracula. Mmmm mmm good! She's been quoted as saying that they taste "mavericky."


I've seen many reports lately that Mischa Barton is anorexic. Not so! No, it's just that every time she sits down to eat, the food insults her fashion choices which causes her to burst into tears and run away wailing. Poor girl. That would put me off my lunch too.

Actually I'm lying. Nothing puts me off eating.

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Beautiful Lost star Michelle Rodriguez wears secret, magical, Mormon-type long underwear with sacred holy knees underneath her clothes at all times. In fact, so do I, and so does every rich/famous person in Hollywood. Why else do you think Jehovah blesses us with money and fame and not you? Duh.

Shhhh it's a secret though, so don't tell. Put that dress down, Michelle!

PLUS! Can you guess the celebrities in these blind gossip items?

Which up and coming young heartthrob likes to feast on hyena meat laced with PCP, while marching in place to bagpipe music and staring at himself in the mirror? Hint: It's not who you think!

This one is a shocker. This married, aging, Oscar winning/nominated actor who is probably C list if you look at what he does now, but would probably only ever appear above the title has had a 15 year habit that is finally beginning to surface. It seems that our married star enjoys certain filthy acts that involve... how can I put this delicately? I really can’t. Let’s just say he enjoys putting his boy thing into a WOMAN's girl thing. You know...down there! In and out, in and out know. Ewwwww!

Anyway, enough of the sordid aspects. It seems that for the past 15 years our actor has used the same professional to tend to his freakish addiction, who was the model of discretion. She retired at the end of the year, and since then our actor has tried out the services of three or four other professionals who don’t have that same level of discretion and have been blabbing all over town about our actor’s crazy and disgusting fetish.

Which actress/model has shocked friends and family recently with her insatiable addiction to taxidermy? Hint: It's not Bea Arthur.

Fans of this beloved TV family's sweet reality show would be shocked if they only knew the truth. Not only is this couple not married like they claim, the kids on the show aren't even theirs! In fact, they aren't even kids, they're midgets pretending to be kids! And worse, the midgets are Satanists! And everyone is drunk! All day long! Hint: Yes, it's them.


Joyless Prole said...

Wait, that's tricky. is it a hyena HEART laced with PCP or else some other cut of hyena meat? I need more info!

That second one better watch out or tom cruise will excommunicate him.

Oh! oh! oh! How did I forget about this? I had a black midget wash my car at the car wash. He couldn't have been even three feet tall! He took my tip money then ran behind a trashcan and disappeared. Hmm, maybe this was all due to the PCP laced hyena meat, now that I think of it.

WendyB said...

OMG! My old dog, Mr. Chubbs, once snatched a fly out of midair with his tongue and ate it, just like a frog. I was so proud.

Girl Interrupted said...

Sarah Palin eats flies? You betcha! *wink*

Jang-chub Ozer said...

Kayne West is a sort of neutron bomb - he destroys culture rather than actual people

Jang-chub Ozer said...

Oh and as for Misch, she ain't anorexic, she's alcoholic! It's hard holding down food when you're spitting up blood and the drug store is out of your favourite gravol suppositories. It ain't easy bein' queasy!

Dedene said...

Kayne West's squeeze wore the exact same outfit to Fashion Week in Paris! God, can't she afford to buy new clothes?

I'd guess Prince Harry for the hyena-meat eater wearing a kilt.

Prunella Jones said...

Oooo that's a good guess! I can so picture Prince Harry that way.

It's kinda turning me on.

me said...

Hey now, tell mischa barton that if she'd just slip the headband to the top of the head, instead of her forehead, all would be good in the world of headbands.

I love me some Prince Harry--- ha! He's my favorite red head, except for that guy on Ugly Betty...



Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks for the fascinating information.

Diane said...

If you're going to shoot, kill and eat large animals, you better get used to a lot of flies