Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Review: An $8 Chocolate Bar
I should really stay out of Whole Foods Market. It's just too pricey for the likes of me. Every time I go there, I end up spending way more than intended because everything is so tempting. Really, it's like nirvana for anyone with extra crunchy, granola, hippie type tendencies (me). Like Pavlov's dog, I salivate at the sight of all natural, organic products and reach for my wallet without thinking, only to moan about how poor I am afterward. How weird is it that only the rich can afford to be hippies nowadays?
Anyway, while there the other day I noticed some chocolate bars that looked especially good. One intrigued me because it was made with sea salt and smoked almonds and some other stuff that sounded pretty dang deelicious. I thought the price said $2.99, which is still kinda a lot for a chocolate bar, but I figured it was fairly large so it'd be worth and threw it on the pile in the cart. After paying and loading the one (tiny) bag into my car, I pulled out the receipt to find out why the final price was even more rapetastic than I'd imagined. Well, it turned out the candy bar had cost $7.99. Eight bucks for some chocolate! I could just picture my ultra frugal father rolling in his grave at the very idea that his daughter would pay that much for candy.
"You march back in there and return it at once!" I envisioned ghost dad howling from his red cloud in Republican heaven, where he and all the other old grumps probably spend their days shaking their heads, while discussing how Obama is ruining the country with his pork barrel spending. (I'm sure he's deliriously happy.)
I did consider returning it for maybe half a minute but I'm far to lazy for that. Plus, by now I was rabidly curious as to what an $8 bar of chocolate tasted like.
"Screw you, pops," I said to dad's ghost. "I'm gonna smoke a big bowl of pot and eat this bar while watching The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, and then I'm going to masturbate to a fantasy of me and Rachel having a hawt lesbian threeway with...Hillary Clinton!" Hopefully dad's corpse spun a few thousand times at that thought. I like to give him some exercise from time to time.
So, ....what does an $8 chocolate bar taste like? Sadly, it was just okay. I mean, it was tasty and all - the sea salt mixed with sweet milk chocolate was a nice savory combo - and overall it was way yummier than a Hershey bar, but I was expecting cosmic, orgasmic bliss, you know? And it just didn't deliver.
Unlike the liberal, lesbian threeway fantasy, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.