Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Review: An $8 Chocolate Bar

I should really stay out of Whole Foods Market. It's just too pricey for the likes of me. Every time I go there, I end up spending way more than intended because everything is so tempting. Really, it's like nirvana for anyone with extra crunchy, granola, hippie type tendencies (me). Like Pavlov's dog, I salivate at the sight of all natural, organic products and reach for my wallet without thinking, only to moan about how poor I am afterward. How weird is it that only the rich can afford to be hippies nowadays?

Anyway, while there the other day I noticed some chocolate bars that looked especially good. One intrigued me because it was made with sea salt and smoked almonds and some other stuff that sounded pretty dang deelicious. I thought the price said $2.99, which is still kinda a lot for a chocolate bar, but I figured it was fairly large so it'd be worth and threw it on the pile in the cart. After paying and loading the one (tiny) bag into my car, I pulled out the receipt to find out why the final price was even more rapetastic than I'd imagined. Well, it turned out the candy bar had cost $7.99. Eight bucks for some chocolate! I could just picture my ultra frugal father rolling in his grave at the very idea that his daughter would pay that much for candy.

"You march back in there and return it at once!" I envisioned ghost dad howling from his red cloud in Republican heaven, where he and all the other old grumps probably spend their days shaking their heads, while discussing how Obama is ruining the country with his pork barrel spending. (I'm sure he's deliriously happy.)

I did consider returning it for maybe half a minute but I'm far to lazy for that. Plus, by now I was rabidly curious as to what an $8 bar of chocolate tasted like.

"Screw you, pops," I said to dad's ghost. "I'm gonna smoke a big bowl of pot and eat this bar while watching The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, and then I'm going to masturbate to a fantasy of me and Rachel having a hawt lesbian threeway with...Hillary Clinton!" Hopefully dad's corpse spun a few thousand times at that thought. I like to give him some exercise from time to time.

So, ....what does an $8 chocolate bar taste like? Sadly, it was just okay. I mean, it was tasty and all - the sea salt mixed with sweet milk chocolate was a nice savory combo - and overall it was way yummier than a Hershey bar, but I was expecting cosmic, orgasmic bliss, you know? And it just didn't deliver.

Unlike the liberal, lesbian threeway fantasy, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.


Dr Zibbs said...

Funny post!!!

All This Trouble... said...

You know why that chocolate was only okay?

No shrooms.

Just sayin'

words words words said...

I second your thoughts on Whole Foods. There is one just a block away from me, and so when I need just one or two things I run there instead of getting in the car and driving to the supermarket. Every single time I feel bad about letting them wallet-rape me and call myself a moron.

Still, Vosges makes fantastic chocolate. No, ain't worth $8, but like a true luxury, once in a while you just bite the bullet. Try their bacon bar and their red fire bar. YUM.

WendyB said...

Hottest threesome evah.

xl said...

If Hillary is out of the country, I could, uh, bring over some Godiva chocolates. A liberal amount...

fashion herald said...

those chocolate bars always leave me wanting, too.

Joyless Prole said...

You should have stuck with the five dollar milkshake.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Maybe there is a ticket to barcelona in the packaging and that's what you're really paying for - just wondering

LarryLilly said...

Chocolate sex is great, especially if its dark.

Chocolate that is, no no no, not that kind of sex!

What are you thinking?

kookla100 said...

I'm convinced that Whole Foods purposely puts their price tags on the wrong shelves or uses fine print, in order to confuse customers. That's how I winded up buying $14 worth of macaroni and cheese. Or maybe I should say "almost." I walked out of there lickety split.

Long time, no read Prunella! I'm cracking up over here at your posts. You look like you have a fun house and a cool kitty.

Diane said...

Once I decided to buy the kona coffee beans instead of the costa rica beans at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf . . . until I learned a pound was about 50 bucks


Yet you people pay $20- for a cup of shit coffee at Starbucks.
The prices are inflated so people who do buy $8- chocolate bars can feel elite.
It's not about the taste.
You're going to feel sorry when housing prices fall to $8- and you're short, cuz you traded in a 3 bedroom bungalow for chocolate.

me said...

"I did consider returning it for maybe half a minute but I'm far to lazy for that."

RE the above:
Were we separated at birth?

Whole Foods does me in too. Trader Joes is on the list as well. I want everything there!

Sea salt with almonds does sound very nice though!