Friday, February 27, 2009

Paranormal Stuff

Ever read a Sylvia Browne book?

If you've never heard of her, she's some self proclaimed "psychic" who used to be a frequent guest on The Montel Williams Show. That's where I first saw her and I was immediately captivated. Not because of anything she said mind you, but because of her super long fake nails. They were really ugly and I was mesmerized by the way she kept scratching at herself with the tips of them as she answered questioned in her deep, craggy smokers voice. It amazed me that anyone would take her seriously, because, honestly, she seems completely full of shit. But, hey, she's entertaining.

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This image came up when I searched for "Sylvia Browne's fingernails. Looks like I'm not the only one who noticed those talons. Caw, caw!

Apparently she's written a shit ton of books and they sell like crazy. I found one at the library the other day and flipped through it. It was pretty goofy - all about how her spirit guide told her heaven is 75 degrees and you get to go to lectures (whoopee!) - but I had to marvel at her genius. Man, what a scam! She rakes in the bucks with this stuff. I'm jealous! I wanna be a psychic too! Where the hell is my spirit guide?

So I went home and googled "How to contact your spirit guide" and loads of articles popped up. After scanning a few I decided to try it. What the heck, it seems easy enough. Here's a link to the one I used.

First, you have to get comfortable. I sat down on the bed in lotus position and tried to clear my mind. That's the hard part. I always have trouble meditating. Whenever I try to clear my mind it fights back by making me remember old song lyrics or picture completely inappropriate people having sex together, like my old high school principal getting it on with Ronald McDonald. Eww, stop it!!!

Finally I got my brain to somewhat settle down, but then forgot what was next, so I had to look at the directions again.

Find a quiet place, free of distractions. Relax and get comfortable. Clear your mind. Focus on your guide.

Send the thought ... Hello!

You may hear a greeting, but this is not necessary.

Send your Yes or No question telepathically or verbally i.e. Is today Monday?

Relax and allow the answer to come naturally as a thought.

All righty then. "Hello!" I said out loud. I thought I heard a derisive snort in response, but figured it was my imagination.

Then I asked the question, "Oh great spirit guide, am I insane?"

Because, you know, I'd really like to know the answer to that one. Who cares what day it is.

Right away I heard a voice sneer out not just one, but three different replies.

"No, you're not insane, just stupid."

"Yes, now shut your insane mouth and take this Thorazine."

"Insane? In what respect, Charlie?"
(That one was said in a Sarah Palin voice.)

Oh, great, it looks like my spirit guide is Al Jaffee.

Or wait, is he dead? Maybe Al and I just share the same one. No wonder I loved MAD Magazine's Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions as a kid.

I glanced down at the directions again. It didn't say anything about what to do if your spirit guide was a sarcastic jerk. Maybe there were others. Sylvia Browne has two after all.

"Okay Al," I tried again. "Are you my only spirit guide?"

"No, the others are Bigfoot and ET."

"Yes, I drew the short straw, dammit."

"Yes, 'cause you smell."

How annoying! I really wanted to ask all the other questions on the list but Al seemed determined to never give me a straight answer. Look how cool they are:

* Explain reality.
* How big is the universe?
* How and when was it created?
* Is there life on other planets?
* Do entities watch us from UFO's or other places?
* Did I know you in an alien form?
* Are there angels?
* Who is God? (Close your eyes and think Show me!)
* Are there many/any dimensions? (Close your eyes and think Show me!)
* Can a soul exist in more than one dimension?
* Does the future co-exist with the past and present?
* Do we have free will?

I'm dying to know this stuff, aren't you? Finally, I decided to try one last time.

"Okay, Al. Quit with the smart ass bullshit and show me who God is." I closed my eyes and concentrated really hard.

This is what he showed me.

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At last an answer that made sense! I've always sort of suspected it anyway.


Bill Stankus said...

I once had a paranormal experience. I was a kid and I didn't tell my parents where I was going after school. When I got home a pair of normal sized hands grabbed me and then those pair of normal sized hand whopped my butt.

xl said...

If there is a Sarah Palin voice in there, an exorcism is called for!

jeremy said...

i was just thinking about "snappy answers to stupid questions" yesterday, and how jaffee would sit around and think of the snappy answer to a stupid question, then devise the scenario in which the snappy answer could be delivered, and it occurred to me just how curious it was that so much effort and planning went into what was being marketed to kids as spontaneity.

but my how i loved me some fold-up back pages.

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Joyless Prole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joyless Prole said...

Sorry about that. I'm really not a very good spirit guide. I'm not sure why I keep getting so many people asking.

GetFlix said...

I would've asked about your big ole index foot toe.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Well someone is jerking us around because I was on to my spirit guide last night (it's a cat) and she told me that god is a big jug of cream.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I might search for my spirit guide, but I'm afraid it might be a squirrel.

me said...

Good grief, you make me laugh and laugh...!

I swear, swear, swear there is a Sylvia book in my handbag RIGHT NOW. The one that teaches you about your life path and how your soul chose this life for you and all that happens in it for a reason... To learn whatever lessons you need to learn, ect.

Fuck, I need a Francine in my life. hahahahahahah

I always loved her books (initially, my friend lent me some). Then I finally saw her on Montell, and practically fell out of my chair, when I heard her scary, scary scraggle voice! Sadly, I did not notice her talons :(

Anywho, I've always found her theories to be quite as logical as Jesus, God, et al.

fashion herald said...

hahaha! but spirit guide finding is usually done with psychotic drugs, yes? what is sylvia thinking?