Tuesday, February 17, 2009

KISS Me, I'm An Insomniac

Why, oh why do we need sleep? I wish we didn't have to. It's such a pain in the butt.

I may have mentioned my problems with sleep a time or two on this blog. Yeah, it's a misery. Basically, it takes me hours to zonk out, and then when I finally do snooze I'll awaken off and on throughout the night. Most of the time I can usually manage about four to six hours this way, which to me is pretty high functioning. But sometimes it seems that train to Slumberland just passes by me completely and I'm left staring after it with burning eyes as a sadistic conductor gives me the finger.

"Toot, toot. All aboard the Sleepy Train. All that is....except for you, Prunella Jones. Go get your ticket stamped or something, bitch, and better luck tommorrow....or not! Muyhahahahahaha."

The other night about 4 A.M., I was wandering around the house like a zombie when my eye fell on these stoopid little antique statues that my mom put up on the mantel before she left for Florida.

***FYI: My mom used to own an antique store and she has boxes and boxes of unsold stuff stowed in my garage.

Now I don't know why, but the damn things have been getting on my nerves. I hate them! They are such sad sacks, with their pained, yet somehow still smug expressions. Don't they look like the kind of people who use the same paper towel for a week, drying it between uses, in order to save money? And then bitch about it endlessly while also disapproving of anyone who doesn't? Ugh.

It was bringing me down, man. See for yourself. Would you want these sour pusses passing judgment on you while you are trying to chillax?

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Oy vey, if only we were still in the old country instead of sitting on the mantel of this tacky little house.

I guess I'm just not much of an antique lover. I prefer bright, shiny, new, plastic crap.

Anyway, I tried to watch some TV but those statues were eyeing me and making me nervous. I considered tossing them in the closet, or "accidentally" losing them in the trashcan --"Ooops, I swear mom, I don't know what happened!" -- but then I got a better idea. I decided to improve them.

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Viola! Now higher in Detroit Rock City flavor. Much better, right?

Well, it seemed like a good idea at 4 A.M.


My mom is so going to kick my ass.


xl said...

"chillax" brought me to a full stop.

Lady's Depilatory?
Vegan Chili?
Los Angeles Yoga Position?

WendyB said...

I laughed, I kvelled, I read this post again and again.

Joyless Prole said...

Wow, do I love that paint job. The whole imagery of a satanic conducter on the train to slumberland is some amazing imagery, too.

My grandfather actually used to use the sheets of paper in between the russel stover's dime store candy layers as stationary. That's how cheap he was. Apparently that gene completely skipped me somehow.

Bill Stankus said...

Please, join us at our next IA meeting. We aren't as fussy as AA, in fact, we make our meetings as boring as possible - so if you nod off or doze, it's perfectly OK.

Oh, we do have one rule: Wear pajamas and slippers. You won't be molested, well, only if you-know-who is in attendance.

We encourage certain drugs, Ambien and Requip are very popular. We kind of discourage booze, mostly because if you do drink bring enough for everyone.

And, I'm sorry, statues are not permitted... but teddy bears and blankeys are OK.

All This Trouble... said...

Well, my husband is hot for your statues now. He has this thing for KISS I will never, ever understand.

He wants to know if you're into polyamory and if you can bring those statues?

I approve this message.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I can't decide which version of the statutes would give me worse nightmares - but then that's not something you're worried about I guess.

Krissyface said...

your mom might actually thank you, P-dog.

Have you tried Valerian Root?

All This Trouble... said...

Or you could go all "After party" and try some 5-HTP. It has tryptophan to fix your shit up.

xl said...

PS: Ambien. But then the KISS set would go uncompleted.

jeremy said...

no space ace?

have you tried drinking? it usually helps me negate the adderall by ten, so long as i start around 4:00 or so.

Prunella Jones said...

XL- a handy combination of chill and relax. Or a chili with laxatives in the sauce.

Wow. Can you imagine the explosions laxative chili would cause?

Wendy- aw Bubbalah, bless you for that. Why you're making me ver clempt, you are! I like my tchatchkes, but you know the old saying "A chazer bleibt a chazer."

Joyless P- Oy vey, now that's cheap!

Bill- God grant us the serenity to accept the fact that we can't sleep, the strength to get through the next day, and an unlimited supply of Ambien to keep from beating the ass of the cheerful morning person in our lives. Amen.

Trouble- no KISS love for you? C'mon, Rock and Roll All Night doesn't make you want to wiggle your ass just a little? True, Gene Simmonds is a total douche but he used to spit fire at those concerts. You gotta admit that's pretty cool.

A threesome while the statues watch? Now that's kinky. I'll be over this weekend!

Lulu- I can't sleep. Someone has to watch out for zombies, you know.

Krissy- Valerian, Chamomile, Melatonin, Kava tea, I'm the queen of supplements. Sometimes they work, sometimes not.

Trouble- oh yeah, 5htp worked pretty good for awhile. Then it started giving me a throbbing headache. Maybe I'll pull it out and try it again though.

XL- I love Ambien. It's truly sent from the gods. But I try not to take it more than once or twice a week at most. If it ever stopped working I'd go insane.

Prunella Jones said...

Jeremy- I quit drinking because of the hangovers. You know what works great for Adderall come down though? Weed. A little weed and some Vitamin C and you're all set. Doesn't help me sleep but it sure makes things cheerier. When will it be legalized, dammit?

jeremy said...

hangovers? that's exactly why you should drink more. eventually, you stop getting them.

GetFlix said...

Kiss you? I think somebody needs to lick you.

Prunella Jones said...

Jeremy- I like the way you think, mister!

GF- yes, please.

fashion herald said...

yes, they look like they dole out toilet paper in squares.
the Kiss makeover, brilliant!

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahahaa. Love it!

words words words said...

Your renovation of those busts is quite possibly the best thing I've ever seen.