Why We Need a Good Looking President

Wow, it's been quite a while since my last post. Where has the time gone? Damned if I know.

I've just been spending a lot of time in the gym lately, trying to reverse the effects of gravity on my butt. I don't care much for working out and used to do a quick twenty minute run and a bit of yoga and call it a day, but now I have a new strategy. Now, I spend an hour or two on the treadmill just walking at a comfortable pace. The way I figure it, if you are moving your body for two hours not only you are doing good, you are less likely to hurt yourself that way. And it's also nice and relaxing. Instead of dreading my workout, I enjoy it. My gym has these nice treadmills that have their own TVs attached, so I can obsessively watch CNN and MSNBC and catch up on all the democratic nomination goodness.

I'm happy that Obama won, unlike my mom who is livid! She really, really wanted Hillary and now she's so pissed off that she says she won't vote at all. For some reason she really hates Obama with a passion.

"I'm not voting for that old A-rab," she'll say, glaring at me like I'm the one who made Hillary lose.

"He's not Arab, Mom," I'll say. "He's half Kenyan."

"I don't know why he's pretending to be black," she'll go on ranting. "He's not black! He doesn't even have big lips!"

Wow! My mom the racist!

"I can't believe this shocking racism coming from a woman who worships Oprah and has admitted to wanting to have sex with a black man," I told her. "For shame!"

She did blush a bit at that, but kept up her arguments about how Obama has no experience and he can't beat John McCain, etc...and I kind of tuned her out after that.

My mother has never been especially political, but she was very excited about the idea of having a woman president and kept the dream long after the numbers showed Hillary was not going to get the nomination. And I think she's pretty typical for a lot of Hillary's supporters. Now her hope is that Hill's will be vice president. Her exact words were, "he'd better pick her if he know's what's good for him!"

Hmmmm. I don't think it will happen, but I'm not telling her that. She might pop me one in the kisser.

Funny how people get so het up about politics, even mild mannered old ladies like my mother.

I've never been especially political either. I pretty much agree with the Emma Goldman quote "if voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal". All politicians seem so slimy, so bought and paid for by corporations, that I just feel completely hopeless and cynical and rarely vote. I will for this election though. Eight years of Bush and company's shenanigans is enough. Obama can't do any worse than they have and at least he's young and good looking.



Oh, Barry! You are so dreamy."



That's right! I am voting for Barak strictly because I think he's hot.

You see, day after day of watching CNN at the gym I've gotten sick of seeing ugly old white men sneering at the world from their podiums in Washington. And it occured to me that ugly old white men are bad for America. Everything sucks right now and it's all their fault. Plus looking at their faces all the time is a huge turn off.




Ick. Who would want to fuck that? No wonder Laura always looks stoned.




This face is the stuff nightmares are made of.



I am completely serious. My new theory that I just made up is this: when ugly old white men are in charge things turn to shit. Consider Bill Clinton. The country was so prosperous the entire eight years he was in office that we actually had a budget surplus. And why was that? Because Clinton had the power of the sexy. He was young and vibrant. He played the saxaphone on MTV and was very flirtatious. It's why the republicans hated his guts. He had sex and if there is one thing republicans seem to hate, it's people who have sex. (Especially if they are gay or might need abortions.)



I would have hit that, oh yeah!


My dad (an uber republican who never missed a Rush Limbaugh broadcast) hated Clinton so much that he would practically foam at the mouth at the mention of his name. He was estatic during the whole impeachment fiasco. When I dared to say that I didn't see why Clinton getting a blowjob from a woman over the age of twenty-one was such a big deal and wonder why we were wasting so much time and money on such silliness, he looked at me as though I'd suggested we eat deep fried cat shit for dinner.

"Are you kidding? He lied under oath!" he'd cried triumphantly. "Do you want a president who lies?"

"Why was he asked about it in the first place?" I'd answered. "A presidents sex life shouldn't be anyone's business but his own."

It has always puzzled me as to why Bill Clinton's BJ was grounds for impeachment but Bush and Cheney could anal rape the constitution and throw billions down the sucking black hole of Iraq and republicans were fine with it, but now I know the answer. Repubs hate sex, therefore they are cool with ugly old white men fucking the country because there is no pussy involved.

This theory is not perfect, of course, but see how it explains a lot of things?


UGLY OLD MEN = NO SEX = BAD TIMES FOR THE COUNTRY


Who was president before Clinton? An old, ugly white man named George Bush Senior. The guy that gave us the first war with Iraq. Maybe if he'd been getting regular blow jobs we could have avoided the whole thing.


So people, I'm begging you, please, please do not vote for John McCain. Besides wanting to keep us in Iraq for the next hundred years, McCain is old, unsexy, and looks like Popeye. You know it's true, don't tell me he doesn't! Do you really want to have to stare at that mug for the next four years? I don't.



Ugh, all he needs is a corn cob pipe. Do not vote for Popeye! He will finish running America into the ground with his face.


With this premise in mind, I've decided that the best possible running mate for Barak would be John Edwards. Sorry mom, I like Hillary okay and all but John is pretty! Pretty, pretty! Not only would he and Obama turn the economy around with the power of their combined sexy, but the world would once again admire and respect us and America would be restored to it's place as the hawtest country ever.



Yum.


An Obama/Edwards ticket would be the greatest possible combination, don't you think? I really hope it happens. Join me in boycotting old, ugly, white men from Washington. Let's get rid of their asses! No more icky, sexless politicians! We need some good-lookers, both men and women. C'mon, at least do it for my eyes. I watch two hours of CNN everyday and Anderson Cooper can only do so much.