Thursday, June 19, 2008

THE PRUNELLA JONES STORY starring Nicole Kidman

Yes, it's time once again for another edition of The Prunella Jones Story the true modern day Cinderella tale of Prunella Jones, a smokin hot freelance writer who overcame both ADD and a deprived childhood in the Inland Empire, by using her incredible body to become a Hollywood IT girl. Nicole Kidman stars in this uplifting story of a plucky gal who refuses to give up, even after she developed a serious drug/alcohol problem, gambled away her fortune, got dumped by both Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal, lost her alien baby to the Scientologists, spent time in a nuthouse AND worked as a personal assistant to NAomi Campbell. Click here for the last episode. Guess it's been quite awhile.

In today's episode, Prunella (played by Nicole Kidman) visits a hypnotist who regresses her back to a former life in the 1800's.

Hypnotist: Okay Prunella, I want you to clear your mind. Just lay back and relax and stare at this shiny thing......are you relaxed?

Prunella: mmmmmhmmmmm (drools)

Hypnotist: Okay good. Now I am going to count backwards from five and when I'm done you will find yourself in the life you lived before this one. Okay, five, four, three, two, tell me what you see.

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Prunella: I'm in the English countryside on a magnificent white horse. I'm slender and gorgeous although my face looks a bit pinched, as if I can't move it much. Oh, and it looks like I'm rich. Sweet!

Hypnotist: Good, what else is happening?

Prunella: Uh oh, I've just found out that my husband ran off to Australia to get away from me. That bitch! How dare he leave me! I'm determined to go find him.

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Hypnotist: Oh my! So what do you do?

Prunella: I get on a boat to Australia, of course! At least I think that's what it is. For some reason the boat I'm seeing looks like The Minnow from Gilligan's Island. Surely that little thing couldn't have gotten me all the way to Australia from England, could it?

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Prunella: Now, it looks like I'm in Australia hunting for him. Man, I sure packed a lot of stuff! Ooo I look fabulous in a pith helmet too. And I'm wearing khakis with a little belt and leather gloves and...

Hypnotist: Yes, yes, nevermind the details. What happens? Do you find your husband?

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Prunella: I sure do. But he doesn't want to come home with me. It seems that he'd rather ride around and pretend to be a cowboy instead. How dare he?! I'm super pissed. So I do the logical thing and decide to hang out and make him fall back in love with me.

Hypnotist: How do you do that?

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Prunella: By proving what a good little farm wife I can be. While looking fabulous, of course. It appears that I do some chores like feeding the cows. Ewwww, they stink. In fact, I think I just stepped in a cow pie. Can you smell that? Ugh, the smell is choking me! (cough, cough)

Hypnotist: When I clap my hands you will no longer smell anything. (clap) Okay. Well Prunella, this life sounds very romantic. Does your husband eventually come back to you?

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Prunella: Yes, he does. We've been through several lifetimes together. He can't resist me. He pulls me to his manly bosom underneath the wide Australian sky and begs me to stay with him forever and ever throughout all eternity.

Hypnotist: Oh, how lovely. So you spend the rest of this life as an Australian farm wife? Skip ahead to your death and describe that.


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Prunella: No, it looks like I get bored with the outback and make my way to Paris where I become a performer at The Moulin Rouge, eventually dying of consumption in my lover's arms. HAwt. I like this life better than my current one.


Anonymous said...

Come to me, my lover. Paris awaits.

WendyB said...

I wish you'd go under hypnosis to tell me some interesting things about my life. What?!! It's got to be better than what I come up with!

me said...

funny, i never pictured you as a frail, cold, lesbian in disguise with a stick up her ass...
you seem to have a bit more sass to you :)

i want sylvia browne to hypnotize me and do a past life regression reading. you should check her out if you dont' know her (although I suspect you may). she's kinda fabulous.

Princess of the Universe said...

I generally love Baz Luhrmann, but I don't know about this new one...
Maybe I'll wait for the DVD.

Helen said...

I would probably run off to the Moulin Rouge, too, funny how stripping factors into more than this life for you.

MJ said...

I'm glad to see you were able to move on after Johnny Depp dumped you for me. said...

Do men have bosoms? Oh well, as long as they're manly....

Diane said...

My only concern is that in your past life, it seems you kept marrying closted gay men . . .

Prunella Jones said...

Mister- let's go!

Wendy- I'll look into my crystal ball and consult the tarot cards. Maybe this could be a new career for me?

Me- I love Sylvia! How much does it suck that there are no longer Sylvia Browne Wednesdays on Montel to look forward to?

PRincess- it looks kinda dull IMO.

Helen- I can put up with anything except for boredom.

MJ- aren't you done with him yet? I want him back ASAP!

Brenda- well, not all men, but Fabio definitely has one.

Diane- what can I say? I likes them pretty.

me said...

for real on sylvia wednesdays.

and fyi:
I just caught a glimpse of the latest Vogue, and it looks like they totally ripped off your Australian regression session. you may consider suing...

kookla100 said...

Prunella, I finally was able to tear myself away from my horrendous job duties to read your incredible life story. I can't wait until it hits theaters, but you may want to wait to release it until all the excitement for The Love Guru calms down...

And yes, that was mild sarcasm you sensed.

Prunella Jones said...

ME- damn you, Vogue! They are always ripping me off!

Kook- The Love Guru looks like a real stinker, doesn't it? Jessica Alba is like box office poison. Why do people keep hiring her? And Mike Myers hasn't been funny in a million years, sadly.

muse said...

ha! You forgot to mention when you lived in Ireland and had to survive on potatoes(which by the way we KNOW nk doesn't eat).

Prunella Jones said...

Iye, lass, potatoes and cabbage and nothing else. It were a cruel childhood indeed.