I'm not really the kind of person who believes in astrology or anything like that, but I'm thinking that the stars must have aligned in some sort of weird pattern lately. So many strange things happened on Saturday that I'm not sure how else to explain it. Here, let me describe what occured and you can tell me what you think.
7:00 AM: I woke up at bright and early as usual, even though I'd worked late at The Boobie Barn the night before. I tried to go back to sleep -- but once I'm up I'm typically up -- so I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee and was greeted by this sight.
I stopped dead in my tracks. It's not everyday you see a guy in a Captain Jesus outfit sitting at your kitchen table. It was a bit disconcerting.
"Um....hi, how's it going?" I said.
"Good," he looked up from the paper he was reading and smiled. "You're out of coffee."
"Oh, there's probably some in the pantry," I said, opening the door to check. It took me just a few minutes to find it, but when I returned to the kitchen he was gone.
When my mom came downstairs a few minutes later, I started teasing her about being a big 'ol slut, and having sex with Jesus.
"What are you tallking about?" she said looking puzzled. "I didn't bring anyone home last night."
So that was weird.
Then I heard some unexpected news. Apparently Big Earl is closing down Classy Earl's House of Class and Tits and turning it into a school for African dance. Who would have guessed he was into that?
I blame that damn 3 Foot Rule that the city has started enforcing! Earl's probably losing business. None of us dancers can make any money since we have to stay at least three feet away from the customers. Now after I finish dancing, instead of walking around lifting my garter for the guys to slide a tip into like I used to, the customers are forced to wad their dollar bills into a ball and wing it at my head. Ouch! Some of them can really throw hard. God, it's so much more degrading! That's mostly why I've been looking for another job.
I heard one of the Jessica's (sorry, I can't really tell them apart) was so bummed about being fired from Earl's, that she got all trashed and accidentally joined the army.
I guess it sucks to be her right now.
Britinia didn't seem to be taking the news of being out of work too hard. This is how she always greets me, so it was no big deal. What was shocking was that she didn't try to run over my foot. Now that was atypical of her.
In the afternoon I had a job interview for a part-time position selling burial plots at place called The Garden of Memories. I usually hate job interviews. All those questions about your strengths and weaknesses really get on my nerves. Like anyone is going to tell the truth. It would be kind of fun if you did though. Can you imagine?
"Well my strengths are that I only show up for work stoned about half the time, and I've never spit in a customers face even though I've really, really wanted to. I guess I'd say my biggest weakness is that when I get pissed off, I tend to take out an AK-47 and spray the room with bullets."
Anyway, the guy who did the interview looked strangely familiar. And kind of like a weasel. I swear I've seen him before somewhere.
His name was Mr. Shore. Here's how the interview went:
Mr. Shore: (looking at resume) So, Prunella, it says here that you've recently been employed as a dancer. Tell me, do you think Walt Disney's body is really frozen and stored in a secret room beneath Disneyland?
Me: Um....well, I've heard that's just an urban legend. But personally, I believe it.
Mr. Shore: Very good. Now when I say the word trondant, does that mean anything to you? (He stared very hard at me while asking this question.)
Mr. Shore: All righty then. You can start on Monday.
It was the most unusual job interview I've ever had, but at least they hired me. I decided to go shopping to celebrate and bought a pair of shoes.
I thought they were really cute in the store, but now I'm not so sure. What do you think? Too much? They're too spikey, aren't they? I don't know what I was thinking.
As I was leaving the mall an old drunk sitting on a park bench hissed something at me. Normally I wouldn't have paid attention to the blatherings of some homeless bum, but one of the words caught my ear because I'd heard it earlier in the day.
"What did you say?" I asked him.
"Beware of trondant," he said with a cackle, using his fingers to make air quotes.
"What is trondant?" I asked, puzzled.
The old drunk didn't answer. He just laughed louder and louder until he got a coughing fit, and then spit out a tooth. Freaky!
I got home just in time to meet the new guy my mom is going out with. His name is Ronnie and he drives a Little Debbie Snack Cake truck for a living. He was nice enough, but honestly, he didn't seem to be my mom's usual type. I can't figure out what she sees in him. He's not terribly attractive. I mean, check it out.
As they were leaving I grabbed my mom and whispered, "what...is he rich? Does he have a big dick or something?"
I was just joking, but she got a big grin on her face and winked at me. How bizarre! She never acts that saucy.
Later on during my shift at The Boobie Barn, I noticed my neighbor Star and her gay husband Al, sitting at a table in the corner, drinking champagne and making out. Ewwwww.
Actually that was more gross than strange. But still!
And then right before closing time, I looked up and saw that freaky new girl, Paris, hanging out and talking with my new boss Mr. Shore.
As you know, I'm convinced Paris is an alien. There is just no way that chick can be human. I was super curious as to what they were discussing, but when I tried to eavesdrop on their conversation they moved away. I bet it had something to do with the "trondant". What could that word signify, I wonder? Maybe I'll find out more on Monday when I start the grave selling job.
All in all, Saturday was a very mystifying and wacky day. Like Dr. Seuss wacky. I truly would not have been surprised if a Star-Bellied Sneetch had shown up at The Boobie Barn and started waltzing with Captain Peanut. But, hey, at least I didn't have to use my AK. So I gotta say it was a good day.
By contrast, Sunday has just sucked ass. How was your weekend?