Did you forget that Balki was living with me? That's okay, I kinda forgot myself. I rarely see him at The Boobie Barn. He works with the janitorial crew, cleaning up at the end of the night. During the day when it was warm, he liked to sit in the back yard carving little toys out of wood. Now that it is chilly, he lays on the couch with Tucksworth watching reruns of "Making the Band" on MTV. Since I've been suffering from a bit of blogger ennui lately and I don't know what else to do with myself, I join them. Wow, that O-Town was something else, huh?
Cousin Balki. He's very single, ladies!
The wooden toys Balki made. He's hoping to sell them so he can become an American millionaire. Very cute, I guess, but for some reason they freak me out. Those eyes are creepy.
Oh, and I solved the mystery of Captain Jesus. Turns out he is one of Balki's friends from work. His name is Corky, but we mostly call him Captain Jesus because of the suit he always wears. When asked why he wears the suit he just shrugs and says, "because I like it." Can't argue with that.
On Thanksgiving Day we were all hanging on the sofa watching tv, while my mom fussed around with the turkey in the kitchen. I don't much care about a traditional dinner, if it were up to me I would have just ordered in Chinese food, but she loves all that Martha Stewert stuff so she cooked up a storm and invited a lot of people. In addition to me, Balki, and Captain Jesus, we had Mom's new boyfriend, Ronnie, and two more of Balki's friends, a guy named Hamburger Dave, and a guy (girl?) named Bryce. Mom also invited Paris the alien stripper because she feels sorry for her. I didn't invite anyone to eat with us, since I'm basically antisocial.
I like Hamburger Dave, though. He's really easily amused and laughs like a hyena at everything I say. Even lame jokes, like when I say, "hey Hamburger Dave, get in mah belly!" make him giggle like crazy.
Bryce is another story. He (she?) is a weird goth kid that lives down the street from us. I honestly cannot tell if Bryce is a boy or a girl. When I asked Balki he said, "Don't be reedi-cool-us cousin, he is big, strong man!"
Then CJ piped up, "are you sure? I thought she was a girl."
So who knows? I'll post a pic and you can tell me what you think.
Hamburger Dave. His hobbies include competitive eating and collecting condiments.
Bryce. He (she?) enjoys goth music and being androgynous.
Anyway, we were watching MTV as usual before dinner, when "The Hills" came on. That show makes Tucksworth scream in agony and I hate it too, so I quickly changed it over to VH1 and we watched a Behind the Music special on New Kids on the Block. Balki was mesmerized. After it was over he turned to me and sid, "Cousin, I have thought of new way to become American millionaire. I will start boy band. Me, CJ, Bryce, and Dave can sing and dance and look sexy just like New Kids. Good idea, yes?"
I nearly choked on the Bloody Mary I was guzzling, but the others were enthusiastic. Even Bryce was into the idea so maybe he is a boy after all. They started talking excitedly about what kind of songs they would sing. I restrained myself from making fun of them. After all, who am I to kill their dreams? When Paris finally arrived, Balki dropped to his knees and seranaded her with a love song.
"Oh Miss Paris
if I were not embarrass
I would tell you that I love yooooouuuuu"
I had suspected that Balki had a little crush on Paris. Poor guy, she wasn't very impressed with his efforts. She just kind of smirked and whipped out a mirror and applied another layer of gloss to her already goopy lips.
It was a big relief when my mom finally called us all to the table. Before we started eating she made us say grace and then we each had to tell what we were most thankful for. It's a tradition she began a few years ago, after she read about it in Southern Living magazine. Here's how it went:
Mom: Okay, I'll start. I am thankful for my family, good friends, and the pre-roasted turkey from Publix that only needs to be heated for two hours. It's such a wonderful convenience.
Ronnie: I am thankful to have met such a gorgeous and sexy woman like you, Sarah.
He kissed her hand, which made her giggle. I nearly vomited. Old people love, eeeek!
Balki: I am thankful to be here in America where I will soon be millionaire boy bander and I can marry Paris and buy her fur coat.
Paris was busy staring at herself in the mirror again so my mom had to prompt her. "Paris, hon, what are you thankful for?"
Paris: huh?.........um whatever.
Maybe Paris isn't an alien after all. Maybe she's just dumb.
Hamburger Dave: I'm thankful for turkey. And green bean casserole. And gravy. And stuffing. Is that Stove Top stuffing?
Mom: No, it's homemade. I got the recipe from Food Network.
Hamburger Dave: Oh well, that's okay too.
Captain Jesus: I'm thankful for science.
He didn't elaborate so my mom prodded him.
Mom: Oh that's very interesting, Corky. Why are you thankful for science?
Captain Jesus: (shrug) I just like it.
Me: Well, I'm grateful I never got that lower back, tramp stamp tattoo I had considered getting a couple of years ago. I think I'm the only girl at The Boobie Barn without one.
Mom: (making face) Oh you, always making jokes. Quit being so sassy!
Suddenly Balki jumped up from the table, very excited.
Balki: That's it! That's the name for our boy band! We will call ourselves The Sassiest Boys in America! Or SBA for short. What you think?
No one said anything. I think were all trying not to laugh. I know I was. Ronnie snickered a bit but my mom glared at him so he stopped.
Paris: That's hawt.
Balki Oh good. It is settled.
Bryce: Well, I'm not really a sassy boy --
Me: So you are a sassy girl then? (I'm not usually this rude, but the Bloody Marys had kicked in.)
Bryce: (glowering) I was going to say that even though I'm more goth than sassy, I'm grateful to be included in The Sassiest Boys in America. I'm also grateful for Harry Potter. And by the way, Pru, you really need to dye your roots. You've got at least an inch of dark showing in that blond hoochie hairdo.
My hand automatically went to my hair. He (she?) was right. I do need to touch up my roots.
Me: Oh snap! You're sassy all right.
Paris: I'm thankful that I'm a natural blonde. (sniff) Ewwww, what's that, like, smell?
The minute she said that, I became aware that foul stench had filled the room. Everyone scrunched up their noses and looked around in disgusted horror.
Hamburger Dave: It wasn't me!
I knew immediately what it was. My beagle, Shirley, was sitting under the table hoping a piece of turkey would come her way. She's always been a somewhat fragrant dog, but just lately her emissions have been powerful enough to clear a room. It's because my mom is always feeding her table scraps, I think. Once we kicked her out and opened all the windows, we were able to eat without gagging.
So, contrary to my expectations, it turned out to be a pretty nice Thanksgiving. The Great Gazoo didn't show up and bug me, so that helped matters. Tell me, how was your holiday?
17 comments:
Wow, I lost it several times in this post, but I think the best part was when Bryce said 'he' was more gothy than sassy and then was thankful for Harry Potter.
Oh, and hasn't your mom had like 9 boyfriends now? What a slut!
I spent my Thanksgiving with mom and grandma. We all stared at each other in silence at the dinner table for about an hour, then mom my told me that the reason she takes prozac is because I keep leaving a mess in the bathroom.
Oh, and Paris acts so coy, but you know after 2 bloody maries she blew balki and CJ.
So I guess the verdict is that Bryce is a boy?
Mister U- wow, prozac because you are messy? Poor moms. It's a good thing she doesn't know about you flashing your peen on the internet. That might drive her to heroin.
Princess- maybe. I still haven't been able to tell for sure.
Poor Bryce. For all you know, he has a massive, massive peen that all the girls lust after.
I like stuffing, too.
WOW the most excting thing at ou thanksgiving dinner this year was the wine...if you want to order chinese food next yr. I'm down...
Damn...sounds like your thanksgiving was more fun than mine. something tells me you could have dealt with dd's drunk brothers a good sight better than I.
do you have a pic of mom's latest beau? i wanna see it!
i agree with the creepy eyes on balki's toys...why can't he have 'em stare straight ahead like everyone else?
Mister U- yeah, he does. I just checked his Myspace. It said, "this Harry Potter fan has a ten inch wizard stick" and then he posted pictures to prove it. It seems some of his retarded fan girls even wrote poems praising it and stuff. Wow, how could I have ever questioned his gender? After seeing his magic wand I am now under his spell!
Helen- peace, work, freedom, and Stove Top stuffing are all a people can ask for.
Mspuddin- ok, then it's settled. Next year you and I will celebrate the holiday by eating chinese food off the rock hard abs of a hot guy. Sound good?
Sudie- I posted a pic of Ronnie a few weeks back. For some reason he looks exactly like Ron Jeremy. Strange coincidence, huh?
The eyes on those damn toys slay me.
I am thankful for stuffing and pie.
Holiday here was uneventful, save for the Martian Death Flu everyone got 20 minutes BEFORE I finished cooking.
I have the solution for hats messing up hair.
Earmuffs.
I have a story about CJ too - only my CJ doesn't wear a cool superhero costume.
Helmetburger is the bomb and Paris is so beautiful (I don't know why - maybe because she's more rich and famous than me).
Anyway... I'm just letting you know.
Moi- Martian Death flu? Yikes. Sounds like like you had a blast. I hope you kicked back with some champagne. What else can one do in that situation?
Brenda- good idea. I'd like a fur pair. Fake of course, so I don't get red paint thrown on me.
Bumble- you think Paris is beautiful? Well, I guess attractiveness is subjective. I think she looks like an ostrich. (no offense to ostriches)
For a second there I thought you had posted my senior yearbook picture and I was like, WTF?! Good thing it's that Bryce character.
BB- it's actually my own yearbook photo. Shhh, don't tell.
Sounds like you had a lovely Thanksgiving. So lovely, in fact, I would have watched it on TV--had it been televised as it should have been, of course.
It was my first sober Thanksgiving, and the absence of Wild Turkey on the rocks was a bit painful. I had to work, so I was too busy to pay much attention, but I did manage to find time for a Hungry Man frozen dinner in between knocking the life out of cows with a big rock I fastened to the end of a tree branch. It's a new program we're implementing at the slaughterhouse. Everyone these days--especially in the Bay Area--is trying to go green. It's working out rather well. It's not a certainty yet, but for Christmas the guys at the office and I have been kicking around the idea of dispatching all the animals with cinder blocks tied to Christmas trees. Happy holidays.
Morbid- it actually wasn't that great. All I did was eat turkey with some relatives and behave myself. I had a much better time on Friday when my wiccan group got together. We replaced the neighbor's baby with a changling. It was sweet!
I'm glad you had a sober holiday. I've recently decided to give up drinking as well.
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