Ode to Riverside

On the outskirts of a desert
about sixty miles or so from LA,
lies one of the most magical cities
you will find in this great US of A.
I have so many things to say
about this precious tract of sandy dirt.

This beauty’s name is Riverside
though no water can be found there.
It's frequently shrouded by a thick haze of smog
which softens the sunlight’s merciless glare.
I miss the gray and choking air
that I inhaled in Riverside.

Oh Riverside, my Riverside
where the land is crispy, dry, and brown.
I get a wispy feeling in my heart
when I think about my lovely town.

There I grew up a delicate flower
Shielded and cottoned by the smog.
My parents made me go to church
and listen to country music on KFROG.
Syrupy songs about Jesus and dogs,
inspired this poet with their musical power.

Sports are important in the schools
and there are a number of public pools.
The girls softball team
for which I played catcher
was coached by a man nicknamed "The Nutsack Scracher."
He was such a massive tool.
I wonder what happened to that old fool?


There are many teens called Juggalos
who wear silly makeup, hair, and clothes
and hang out by the railroad tracks
listening to a band called Insane Clown Posse
and drinking Cisco to relax.
Why they do this nobody knows
I never had the nerve to ax.

Ocasionally people get run over
when they get too drunk or high.
Forcing the train to screech to a stop
and backing up traffic for miles and miles.
Angry driver’s cuss and sigh
which is an annoyance to neighbor’s who live nearby.


My mother once owned a house which sat
On Mount Rubidoux’s rocky south-east side.
Perched there like a noble tooth
In a gaping mouth called Riverside.


Alas, the house exists no more.
It burned to the ground one fateful morn,
when squatters broke in and attempted to use
firecrackers to open a can of corn.
To these idiots I feel nothing but scorn.
This is what can openers exist for!


There is a Vietnam vet named Gimpy
who lives behind the Circle K.
He offers decent quality speed and pot
at low, low prices everyday.
Just tell him Prunella sent you
and you'll get good service without delay.


You will meet interesting folk there, including
truck drivers, glue sniffers, and Bible thumpers.
Meth heads that’ve lost their driver’s license
often crash their bicycles into the back of your bumper.
You can sometimes see bums having knife fights
out behind the VFW's dumpsters.


There is a brand new rehab hospital
and a place for the mentally ill.
So the drunks and crazy homeless
can meander around at will.
It’s also a good place to score some pills.
Yes, Riverside supplies plenty of pharmaceutical thrills.


And they frequently mug a stranger,
And they sometimes escape, and will hide,
but the folks are not all of them drunk and crazy
who hail from a town called Riverside.
Southern California's greatest pride.