Friday, September 12, 2008

Excerpt from the upcoming book, Prunella Jones: The Unauthorized Biography

Bobbi Dooley, beauty pagent winner, former friend: Yeah, I'm not surprised Prunella got famous. She was always ruthless. I remember back when we were competing in the Miss Chainsaw USA pagent together. This one girl named Courney had an amazing act for the talent portion where she actually juggled chainsaws instead of just modeling them like the rest of us. She was amazingly good and expected to win. I know Pru was really jealous, even though she acted all sweet. Miss Congenialty, my ass! They never could prove who put the itching powder in Courtney's bathing suit, but I'm pretty convinced it was none other than Prunella Jones. Now that she's rich, she should totally buy that chick a bionic arm to replace the hook she uses now.



Sarah Jones, Mother: My daughter is a good girl! Don't believe all those rumors and things they say about her on the innertubes. She doesn't take drugs! I don't know why that boy - what's his name? Perez Hilton? - anyway, I don't know why he draws those white dots on her mouth in those pictures he puts up. Is he trying to imply that she takes pills? Because she doesn't!


Paula Abdul, singer: Ha ha, Prunella! I just love that crazy bitch! She's my best - hic - friend. Hic. Where am I?


Tom, mentally challenged busboy and recent summer sex partner: I love Pru. She COMPLETES ME! (jumping on the couch) SHE COMPLETES ME! AHHHHH XENU! PRAISE XENU!!


Kevin, former boss: Prunella was one of the worst employees I ever had the displeasure of working with. She was lazy and totally disrespectful. She was always writing stuff like "Kevin is a dildo" on the walls in permanite marker. I knew it was her, even though she'd always deny it. During employee meetings when I would try to get everyone enthused she'd stand behind me, miming like she was sucking cock so everyone would laugh at me. I found out later that she was the one who stuck me with the nickname "Superchickenhead." It's been years and I still can't rid of it! Even the busboys who can't speak English refer to me that way. Ooooo I hate that stuck up little bitch!


Balki Bartokomous, cousin from Mypos: My cousin is very good to me. She lets me live in a storage shed in her backyard as long as I scrub her toilets and vacuum the rugs everyday. Oh, I am so happy to be here in America... land of my dreams, home of the Whopper. Just thinking about it makes me do the dance of joy! Come, you must join me. Momma told me never to do the dance of joy alone, or I would go blind.



Captain Peanut, owner of The Boobie Barn, Nashville: Who? Never heard of her. Oh, you mean the skinny, blonde bitch who calls herself January Moon? She all right. Whiny, though. Real bad attitude problem too. She try and act like she too good to work in the jello wrestling pit. I was all, "Girl, you get your ass in that pit and 'rassle some muthafuckers. You'll make good money." But she wouldn't do it. Said she would sue me if her weave got ruined. I 'bout slapped that ho. What's she famous for? Being a ho?



Mason Anderson, head of security at Tyler Mall, Riverside: Oh yeah, I remember that one all right. Major shoplifter. We hated dealing with her. Back then she was known as "Seizure", because as soon as you asked her to empty her pockets, she'd fall to the floor and pretend to have an epileptic fit. Also, if you tried to cuff her she'd start screaming at the top of her lungs that you'd broken her arm. We were so happy when she finally moved away. What a nightmare!




Mister Underhill, blogger friend: Pru used to be pretty cool, but lately she's been acting pretty testy. I think she let the fame go to her head. Either that or she has her period again. She sure seems to get it an awful lot.


Lindsay Lohan, actress: Pru and I hooked up a while back before I got with Sam Ronson. She was wonderful, so passionate and so much fun. She was the one who introduced me to the joys of sapphic love, you know. I was mad for her! We talked about getting married and having babies - I even got the words "Mrs. Jones" tattooed on my inner thigh. Then the next thing I knew she dumped me, just like that! Said she wasn't a serious lesbian. She just wanted to try it out "Ann Heche" style. I'm still heartbroken about it....(sob). No more questions!


Sarah Jones: We always knew she'd be famous one day. She's so talented. I remember the day she graduated from preschool. When she accepted her diploma the principal asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. Well, she just smiled like an angel and piped up, "I wanna be a bra model!" It was so cute.


Paris Hilton, professional party girl: I know Prunella, but I don't get why she is famous. She's not that hawt.

15 comments:

Fucktard Savant said...

Is that time we ran the blockade with the A Team van going to be in the book? That was pretty sweet!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I'm glad those are just excerpts, as I look forward to the full text during the Lindsay Lohan part.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

What?! My exerpt not good enough to be put on the blog!? That's it! I'll write my own tell all book now!!!

WendyB said...

Is there a movie deal in the works?

D. Prince said...

I can't fucking wait to read this book!
And Paris you are so wrong, she's totally HAWT.

Nudiemuse said...

Shannon- Malcontent rabblerouser: Yeah I'd hit it.

And that better be in the first chapter too.

xl said...

If it's unauthorized, then I suspect Mr Underhill is behind it.

Krissyface said...

You are so brilliant, Prunella. Every time I read your posts I kick myself in my ass with mine own pointy-toed shoe, thinkin,

Why didn't I THINK OF THAT?!
GODDAMN YOU PRU!!!

(but in, you know, a good way)

Diane said...

Nice shout out to the Tyler Mall.

fashion herald said...

What a tease! More, please, unless you've already blocked your sibling for making millions off your life story?

Bill Stankus said...

What? No quotes from the pool boy?

me said...

Very nice work, prunella. I can't wait for the full publishing to come out! I think I'd even purchase the hard back edition!

GetFlix said...

I want the bare back edition.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

So what did Obama have to say?

Fucktard Savant said...

Every time I check your blog and don't see an update, a part of me dies.