Conversations With God

I had a very strange experience last night.

Actually, I guess technically it happened this morning. At about...oh... approximately 5:30 A.M., which feels like the middle of the night to me as I don't do early.

I had gotten to bed late as usual, so I was happily snoozing away when a very loud voice thundered in my ear, "PRUNELLA JONES! I COMMAND THEE TO AWAKEN!"

"Okay," I murmured sleepily. "Just give me five more minutes."

Well, the next thing I knew there was a very bright, white light shining in my eyes. I squinted and held up my hands to block it out.

"What the hell?" I thought.

"BEHOLD, PRUNELLA JONES," the voice boomed. "IT IS I, YOUR CREATOR, GOD. I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU."

I ran a hand through my hair, feeling confused and a little pissed. I'd only been sleeping for a few hours and I was in no mood for this kind of bullshit.

"God, huh? Yeah right, I don't believe in any god. Now go away!" And with that I pulled the covers back over my head.

But the voice would not shut up. It went on and on about how he, God, had chosen me to be his prophet, and how he needed me to prepare mankind for the coming apocalypse, blah, blah, blah and etc. I closed my eyes and tried to tune him out and go back to the dream I'd been having. It was a nice sexy dream where I was Snow White and was forced to share a cottage with seven hawt little hobbits, who tended to my every want and need. I was just getting into the part where Frodo was feeding me buttered Triscuts, and undressing me for my bubble bath and warm oil massage, when something the voice said caught my attention.

"......SO I'LL NEED YOU MAKE A SIGN THAT SAYS "REPENT NOW YE SINNERS" AND TAKE IT OVER TO THE KROGER MARKET AND STAND NEXT TO MY OTHER PROPHET, TREMAYNE WILLIAMS, AND JOIN HIM IN YELLING OUT, "THE END IS COMING!" TO EVERYONE WHO PASSES BY."

"Wait a minute," I said, sitting up. "Lemme get this straight. Are you saying that the crazy freak with the three foot long, grimy dreadlocks, who stands outside of Kroger ranting at people all day long is actually your prophet?"

"THAT'S RIGHT."

"So....he's not insane? Are you kidding me? He wears a robe made out of aluminum foil and a blue sock! He uses a goldfish bowl for a hat!"

The voice chuckled. "OF COURSE HE DOES. THAT'S THE OFFICIAL UNIFORM FOR ALL OF MY PROPHETS. THAT REMINDS ME, YOU'LL NEED ONE."

"No way!" I said.

"ALL RIGHT, YOU MAY FASHION A BIKINI OUT OF THE ALUMINUM FOIL IF THAT PLEASES YOU, BUT YOU NEED TO WEAR IT SO PEOPLE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY."

"That's ridiculous. No one will take me seriously. They'll think I'm a raving lunatic and ignore me, as they should."

The voice let out a loud sigh. "WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU PROPHETS EVERY SINGLE TIME? YOU HAVE TO DRESS THIS WAY AND YELL OUT GIBBERISH AND WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR IN ORDER TO ATTRACT ATTENTION TO YOUR MESSAGE. WHICH IS THAT THE WORLD WILL BE ENDING SOON, SO ALL SINNERS HAD BETTER REPENT PRONTO. NOW, I ASK YOU, WHO UPON HEARING THAT WOULDN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT SOMETHING SO CRUCIAL? TRUST ME, IT WILL WORK."

"Yeah, sure....okay," I snickered.

I just wanted God or my diseased brain or whatever it was to shut up so I could go back to sleep, but the voice kept right on blathering out more instructions that I had no intention of following - something about how I should quit bathing and construct a pair of shoes out of duct tape. I was desperate to get rid of him.

"Hey, um...excuse me," I broke in. "Look, I'm very honored to be chosen as your prophet and all, but I really don't think I'm the right person for such an important task. Why don't you get someone else to deliver your message? A minister maybe? Or a politician? Say, how about that John McCain, huh? Seems to me that something like this would be right up his alley."

"DON'T WORRY HE'S ALREADY ON THE TEAM," the voice said. "WHO ELSE DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO GET THIS APOCALYPSE STARTED?"

Ugh, after that bit of information I was done chatting. I needed my beauty sleep! I took an Ambien and thankfully it knocked me out immediately. I woke up hours later feeling fuzzy headed from the sleeping pill, and weirded out from my early morning visit with the Almighty.


Interesting conversation. I'm not sure if it really happened. But if it did, it certainly explains a few things.