Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Are you Divalicious?

My mom bought me a present the other day.

It was a book called The House That Cleans Itsef: Creative Solutions for a Clean and Orderly House.

"Do you think you might want to read this sometime?" she asked. "It has a lot of good suggestions and it's not preachy."

She looked at me so hopefully, that I had to laugh.

"Aw you're so cute, Mom, of course I will," I lied.

I love books. I'll read pretty much anything if it's interesting enough to me. But housecleaning is not interesting. At all. Besides, I'm sort of obsessed right now with a book I just found while standing in line at The Pancake Pantry. It was in a pile of free books they leave out to make the wait more bearable. The title is I Am Diva! Every Woman's Guide to Outrageous Living and it's one of the wackiest, most ridiculous things I've ever read.

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Basically it's just a self-help type book, and it's message is pretty decent - love yourself as you are, be self confident, don't be a doormat, get more enjoyment out of every day, etc. - sort of a touchy feely mix of Oprah and the kind of articles you see anytime you flip through a Women's Day magazine. Ho hum, you've seen this type of book a million times I'm sure.

But the suggestions the authors give is the reason I can't put this book down! Oy vey! They make me laugh and laugh because they are just so damn silly. I'm sorry, but I don't see how buying myself a tiara and wearing it to the grocery store is going to get me in touch with my inner diva and make me more self confident.

The book is full of goofy ass advice like this. Oh boy! Everytime I read over it I cackle with glee. I just love this kind of eye-rollingingly cheesy stuff.

Although I do have issues with their use of the word "diva", which to me conjures up a mental picture of Naomi Campbell or JLo freaking out and throwing a diamond studded cell phone because their chinchilla eyelashes were rinsed out in regular water instead of Evian.

According to my dictionary the definition is:

Diva - a distinguished female singer; prima donna.

So then I looked up prima donna.

Prima Donna - a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience.

Me thinks the word goddess would have been a better fit for what this book is advocating. Most people don't need any help in being bigger assholes.

So anyway, it starts off with a short quiz to help you gauge how far along you are on the "Diva Contentment Continuum." I scored 80-99 which makes me a "Diva-in-Waiting." So all I need is a little polish on my diamond in the rough. My mom scored 70-89. She's a "Diva-Wannabe" which means she really needs this book. She didn't seem too jazzed about it and declined to play, but I'm ready to start on my journey to Divaness. There are 52 weeks worth of suggestions and I plan to do them all. Or at least a couple, till I get sick of it. Which won't take long, but what the heck I'm broke as a joke right now so I've got to get my laughs where I can.

How about you? Wanna join me? Come on, it'll be fun!

Here are our Diva Do assignments for the week.

1. In order to begin, they said we'll need a diary to record our fabulous transformation from sad sack to hawt bitch. A blank notebook that should be decorated Diva-style with glitter, velvet, or a boa trim. The authors seem to think glitter is very diva like. I'm not sure why. It seems more like a twelve year old's idea of glamour to me, or maybe a tranny's, but whatever.

Okay, so I got a blank notebook from the dollar store. It's pink and sparkly enough to make Mariah Carey gouge her eyes out with jealousy.

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But since I'm not really the glittery type, I decided to decorate mine with eyeballs and a cholo sticker I got out of a gumball machine.

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There I think that's divalicious, don't you?

2. Next, it says to pick a few Diva role models. "Women who have qualities that you admire. Write them down in the Diva Diary."

Hmmm this one required some thought. There are lots of chicks I admire, but which ones are the most divalicious? It took me a while of pencil tapping, but I finally wrote down three.

Carrie NAtion - She was a leader in the temperance movement in pre-Prohibition America most well known for marching into saloons singing and praying, and destroying the place with a hachet while the men just stood there open mouthed, watching with dismay. I have no problem with people drinking myself, but I just love it that Carrie was such a ball-buster. How can you not like a person who described her bar smash ups as "hachetations"?

Queen Elizabeth the first - What a total badass. She didn't put up with shit. She was smart enough to never marry so she could keep the guys dancing in attendance to her hoping for favors all of her life. I like her big red wigs too.

Paula Abdul - I just love her. Paula can't sing, but somehow she was able to have a career as a pop star and now has job judging other people on their singing ability. And she's able to go to work drunk and stoned everyday and not get fired for it. Damn! You just can't beat that.

You are then supposed to cut out pictures of these role models and make them into a collage, but yeah, I think I'll skip it.

3. "Pick one quality you admire to focus on. Take fifteen minutes each day to reflect on what will be present in your life if you have, for example, more grace."

A quality I admire? Grace is okay, but I'd much rather have the power to shoot lazer beams out of my eyes - so hot that they could burn a hole straight through my enemies innards, and send them off to the hell they so richly deserve. Muyhahaha. If only I could aquire that ability by meditating on it.

4. "Create a new action to integrate this quality into your life. When I practice gentleness, I speak softly and move slowly."

Bah, I've been trying to shoot lazer beams out of my eyes since I was a child. How I wish it would work.

Well, that's it for this week. Man, this journey to Divahood is hard work! I'm too tired to do the "Frivolous Diva Do" at the end of the chapter but if you'd like to here it is:

For a quick shot of fun and silliness, perfect to escape any moment of monotony, jump up and down on your bed like you did when you were six.

Yes, this really is a serious, self help book that you can actually buy at Amazon, and not a humorous instruction manual for half-witted drag queens. I couldn't believe it either.


WendyB said...

I heart you for picking Liz I.

Anonymous said...

I've been using it as a drag queen manual with my fwend thom.

Princess of the Universe said...

Wearing a tiara to the grocery store isn't normal?

xl said...

I am beginning to suspect that the folks responsible for I Am Diva! are also to blame for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

LA said...

Well, #2 is taken care of. My Diva Role Model is Stevie Nicks. I've been copying her hair for years.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I did the tiara thing, but people stared at me. Did I do it wrong? I was only supposed to wear the tiara, right? I mean there was a bit of a scene when I leaned into one of the freezers and got stuck to the metal, but they got some water and I was unstuck. It was sort of painful though.

D.O.M. Dan said...

I don't have the right parts to be a diva, so I cant play along. If you decide to read the house cleaning book - let me know what says and I wont do that either.

CarmenSinCity said...

awwwww - that's a super cute book even if it is a little over the top. I love your pink girly notebook.

I will have to think about who I admire.

Maybe Jennifer Tilly because she's hot, she won the ladies event in No-Limit Texas Holdem - she's dating a younger guy which I love and she's super nice in person.

MJ said...

Just where does "fabulosity" fit into all this?

Anonymous said...

lol! at xl's comment. CBT does not sound fun, but there are not many alternatives for anxiety.

honkeie2 said...

I wrote a self help book some years back but on one has bought on copy of it. It is all about how to solve all your problems in one easy step. But I guess I should have called it something else. It is titled 'Go Fuck Yourself, How to Cure The Worlds Issues One Cocksucker at a Time.'
What do you think?

LarryLilly said...

When my first wife died, I was going through some of her crap, i mean stuff, and came across a teeny tiny book that her 100 year old grandmother gave her from when the grandma was ayoung thing. It was written in the 1880's, and well it was small enough to put in your pocket, i mean it was like 3 inches by 2 inches. It was written for women (by a man probably) on everything that a woman of that era should do (obvioulsy for men, since ALL women back then had only one goal in life, get married and make their husbands feel like kings)

I remember one that told of what food to cook for dinner (roast on monday, so it gets his week off to a great start), to making sure you are wearing your best clothing when he comes home after a hard day at work.

I dont think your diva book is too far out of touch considering where it all started from.

GetFlix said...

We don't need another diva.

Bill Stankus said...

Yeah, too many divas - not enough doers.

mr_g said...

I've been called a lot of things - and thank god diva is NOT one of them. Besides, I could never learn to walk in heels and the tiara would just fall off my flat head

Krissyface said...

I think my diva icon is totally Britney Spears. I love the way she just hangs out by the pool with her kids who can't swim, smokin ciggies and letting little tater tot play with mommy's lighter collection. I need to go do some creative visualization with that image. See you later.

Formerly Fun said...

Tiaras are our birth right.

fashion herald said...

Paula Abdul, my favorite pick! I'm still trying to figure it out - how does she get away w/being whacked on pharms and drunk on TV? She's brilliant!

MsPuddin said...

the house that cleaned itself? hahahahahahha. yeah right. I think she's trying to tell you something, not quite sure what though...

Prunella Jones said...

I highly recommend this book if you happen to spot it on the sale shelf. I wouldn't buy it for full price though.