My mom bought me a present the other day.
It was a book called The House That Cleans Itsef: Creative Solutions for a Clean and Orderly House.
"Do you think you might want to read this sometime?" she asked. "It has a lot of good suggestions and it's not preachy."
She looked at me so hopefully, that I had to laugh.
"Aw you're so cute, Mom, of course I will," I lied.
I love books. I'll read pretty much anything if it's interesting enough to me. But housecleaning is not interesting. At all. Besides, I'm sort of obsessed right now with a book I just found while standing in line at The Pancake Pantry. It was in a pile of free books they leave out to make the wait more bearable. The title is I Am Diva! Every Woman's Guide to Outrageous Living and it's one of the wackiest, most ridiculous things I've ever read.
Basically it's just a self-help type book, and it's message is pretty decent - love yourself as you are, be self confident, don't be a doormat, get more enjoyment out of every day, etc. - sort of a touchy feely mix of Oprah and the kind of articles you see anytime you flip through a Women's Day magazine. Ho hum, you've seen this type of book a million times I'm sure.
But the suggestions the authors give is the reason I can't put this book down! Oy vey! They make me laugh and laugh because they are just so damn silly. I'm sorry, but I don't see how buying myself a tiara and wearing it to the grocery store is going to get me in touch with my inner diva and make me more self confident.
The book is full of goofy ass advice like this. Oh boy! Everytime I read over it I cackle with glee. I just love this kind of eye-rollingingly cheesy stuff.
Although I do have issues with their use of the word "diva", which to me conjures up a mental picture of Naomi Campbell or JLo freaking out and throwing a diamond studded cell phone because their chinchilla eyelashes were rinsed out in regular water instead of Evian.
According to my dictionary the definition is:
Diva - a distinguished female singer; prima donna.
So then I looked up prima donna.
Prima Donna - a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience.
Me thinks the word goddess would have been a better fit for what this book is advocating. Most people don't need any help in being bigger assholes.
So anyway, it starts off with a short quiz to help you gauge how far along you are on the "Diva Contentment Continuum." I scored 80-99 which makes me a "Diva-in-Waiting." So all I need is a little polish on my diamond in the rough. My mom scored 70-89. She's a "Diva-Wannabe" which means she really needs this book. She didn't seem too jazzed about it and declined to play, but I'm ready to start on my journey to Divaness. There are 52 weeks worth of suggestions and I plan to do them all. Or at least a couple, till I get sick of it. Which won't take long, but what the heck I'm broke as a joke right now so I've got to get my laughs where I can.
How about you? Wanna join me? Come on, it'll be fun!
Here are our Diva Do assignments for the week.
1. In order to begin, they said we'll need a diary to record our fabulous transformation from sad sack to hawt bitch. A blank notebook that should be decorated Diva-style with glitter, velvet, or a boa trim. The authors seem to think glitter is very diva like. I'm not sure why. It seems more like a twelve year old's idea of glamour to me, or maybe a tranny's, but whatever.
Okay, so I got a blank notebook from the dollar store. It's pink and sparkly enough to make Mariah Carey gouge her eyes out with jealousy.
But since I'm not really the glittery type, I decided to decorate mine with eyeballs and a cholo sticker I got out of a gumball machine.
There I think that's divalicious, don't you?
2. Next, it says to pick a few Diva role models. "Women who have qualities that you admire. Write them down in the Diva Diary."
Hmmm this one required some thought. There are lots of chicks I admire, but which ones are the most divalicious? It took me a while of pencil tapping, but I finally wrote down three.
Carrie NAtion - She was a leader in the temperance movement in pre-Prohibition America most well known for marching into saloons singing and praying, and destroying the place with a hachet while the men just stood there open mouthed, watching with dismay. I have no problem with people drinking myself, but I just love it that Carrie was such a ball-buster. How can you not like a person who described her bar smash ups as "hachetations"?
Queen Elizabeth the first - What a total badass. She didn't put up with shit. She was smart enough to never marry so she could keep the guys dancing in attendance to her hoping for favors all of her life. I like her big red wigs too.
Paula Abdul - I just love her. Paula can't sing, but somehow she was able to have a career as a pop star and now has job judging other people on their singing ability. And she's able to go to work drunk and stoned everyday and not get fired for it. Damn! You just can't beat that.
You are then supposed to cut out pictures of these role models and make them into a collage, but yeah, I think I'll skip it.
3. "Pick one quality you admire to focus on. Take fifteen minutes each day to reflect on what will be present in your life if you have, for example, more grace."
A quality I admire? Grace is okay, but I'd much rather have the power to shoot lazer beams out of my eyes - so hot that they could burn a hole straight through my enemies innards, and send them off to the hell they so richly deserve. Muyhahaha. If only I could aquire that ability by meditating on it.
4. "Create a new action to integrate this quality into your life. When I practice gentleness, I speak softly and move slowly."
Bah, I've been trying to shoot lazer beams out of my eyes since I was a child. How I wish it would work.
Well, that's it for this week. Man, this journey to Divahood is hard work! I'm too tired to do the "Frivolous Diva Do" at the end of the chapter but if you'd like to here it is:
For a quick shot of fun and silliness, perfect to escape any moment of monotony, jump up and down on your bed like you did when you were six.
Yes, this really is a serious, self help book that you can actually buy at Amazon, and not a humorous instruction manual for half-witted drag queens. I couldn't believe it either.